(About the title: An optional "is" could be placed between the two words, lending it an alternative to the commonly accepted meaning.)

After this evening's earlier rambling (not the lyric, but the so-called one paragraph thing), I was feeling a wreck. It was irrational, and I knew it, but I was feeling that way. I came very close to taking, not one, but two blue pills. Knock myself out for a good who-know-how-many hours. In fact, I had the first one in my mouth, preparing to swallow, but I couldn't bring myself to ingest it. I spat it out in disgust.

I warbled over to my bed, laid there for a few minutes, and... how shall I put this? I planted my face into the pillow, and bawled my eyes out. I felt like I couldn't stop, but I didn't even want to. Crying can be theraputic. I cursed myself several times, and then cried some more. Drenched that pillow a good one.

After that, I just... laid there. Thinking. Wondering. Cursing myself some more. Thought about putting on some Tori. Thought about watching The Matrix. Decided nothing could really help this.

I finally did put on a little music, enjoying it intensely. Cranked the volume on the headphones as loud as it would go. That was when I made the lyric rambling.

A few more minutes passed, and my rational mind that this was insane. Here I was, torturing myself miserably over... nothing. I felt so horribly guilty, and for that, my mind was punishing not only my brain, but my body as well. Enough! Why was I guilty? Even if there was some justifiable cause (a doubtful proposition), it certainly didn't merit putting myself through this!

I decided to go to a movie. Not watch a DVD. I wanted to get out of the house. Clear my brain a little. I knew I looked a wreck, tearstains marking my face, but I didn't care. A brief look in the mirror on the way out showed me that I felt a hell of a lot worse than I actually looked.

Made quick time to the Thea of Lou, got a ticket, no problem. I was quite early, and relieved to find that the auditorium was nearly empty. I chose a seat closer to the front that what I'd usually pick. This time, my brain needed a more-than-full blast of the experience.

As I waited an eternity for the movie to begin, my mind just went over and over the events of the past several hours. The trigger which had started it all... I had done it on a well-planned whim. Doublethink.

But the more I thought about it, the more I decided that I was just making waaay too big a deal of things. Or even if I wasn't making too big a deal, I was certainly putting my mind through more than it deserved. I wanted to just shrug it off. Leave the dumb little blunder behind. Move on. Still... It. just. hurt.

At this point, I knew for certain I had been fooling myself hours ago, but... why? I pondered the thought, and with each grinding brain cycle, jagged thorns of... all the bad stuff... ripped into my mind. I wanted it all to stop. I wanted to pass out. End this madness. I wished I had taken the blue pill.

The movie started, but my mind wasn't focused on it. There was too much doubt, self-loathing, wondering inside. I contemplated doing something I have never done in my life: I considered leaving the theatre midway through the show. I decided against it. I didn't want my money to have been wasted. (I had pulled a Neelix, fully conscious of doing so while I was doing it, but I didn't care.)

I continued watching, and eventually, my mind affixed itself to the plot. The characters. It was a good movie. All the while, these things were going through the back of my brain.

As it went on (long movies are good :), I reached a certain peace about the whole thing. I got it that no matter what happened, it wasn't going to be the end of the world. The pain was still there, but it was not overwhelming. It was not overpowering me. I was no longer afraid of what my little mutt might bring me when I returned home. The last half of the movie was more enjoyable. I had, in a strange sort of way, found my center.

After it was over, I returned home, glad that I had done this. I felt better about myself, and about the future. I also decided that I need to take better care of myself. Particularly, I need to figure out some more rewarding choises when it comes to deciding how I spend my free time. Exactly what those choices might be, I haven't a clue just yet, but I know something needs to happen.

When I got home, sure enough, my mutt had brought me presents. Much better, in fact, than anything I dared expect. I came, braced for a beating from the outside similar to the one I had given myself on the inside. I knew I could take it if it came. Or maybe I would just be ignored. I was ready for that too.

What I got was some... serious food for thought. Handy. Especially at a time like this. I took my time in formulating my replies, not because the world would end if I uttered a wrong word, but because I wanted to convey accurately what I really thought and felt.

So there's my evening, thank you very much. Cryptic as hell, and damn proud of it. :)

The sweet remnants of the white pill have now dissolved completely under my tongue, and my mind really needs a rest anyway. Now, more than usual. Do not be surprised if I'm still asleep tomorrow afternoon. If I am, it won't be because of any blue pill. It will be because I'm getting some much-needed mental recovery rest. Damn, I am hard on myself sometimes. My own worst enemy.

Peace unto all, and to all a good night.