I'll try to stay awake long enough to type a few paragraphs. After the day I've had though, coupled with the fact that no matter how I tried, I couldn't get my stupid brain to sleep last night while I lay in bed awake for over an hour, I may just fall right over in this chair and pass into a coma to last until the beginning of the new millinneum.

I guess this could be construed as something of a followup to Monday night's thinly veiled tale of corporate intrigue and adventure (hah!). Tonight's story will be told in terms at least as cryptic as the last.

Sometimes, when one sees something stupid, one just has to get up and say to the whole world, "This SUCKS!" Even if one knows it will change nothing. Even if the message is likely to fall on deaf ears (well, at least when it com es to those who are in a position to do anything about it). Even if speaking one's mind means stepping out of line a little. In certain cases, the futile word must be spoken. The obvious must be stated, and put on the record.

After everything is said and done, one becomes more acutely (and sometimes painfully) aware of one's own limits. One realizes that as senseless as some things are, the momentum is behind them, and there is no way to counter them. One man alone cannot fight the future. Even those in power would be unable to fix things in the short term (assuming they even wanted to).

When you speak to a bureaucracy, trying to use reason and common sense is the act of a fool. The more you do it, the more frustrated you will get. Eventually, you either give up and go along with the flow, or you run the other way like hell. I chose the former. I don't regret having done so. Why?

I'll try to articulate the reasons in a brief but concise manner. First, there is not a single person I have met in the place who I could say don't like. Everyone -- even those representing the vaguely referenced "bureaucracy" in the above paragraphs -- has always acted with upmost professionalism. I'd even like to consider them friends. Were I in their place, I doubt I would have been able to deal with me as well as was done. I have no hard feelings toward the people. My hard feelings are directed at the system. (Convenient to project all the anger at that vague entity known only as "the system" isn't it? :) )

Second, despite the downsides, I still think the work is great (although this particular week has been really sucky so far, but I'm hoping that's temporary). Programming stuff on Linux and getting paid for it is a dream come true. I don't want to forget that just because I'm face to face with the ugly side at he moment.

Third, I guess I do feel somewhat indebted to the place, and those who run it. They were willing to take a chance on me, and it would just be very low of me to hold a grudge after having been treated with such respect and kindness. Over the past few months, I've made some stupid mistakes that could have been held against me, but weren't.

So, I said my piece, feel better about myself for having done so, and what else can really be done? Time to pick up the pieces, move on, and make the best of what is. But damn if my annoyance level ain't five notches higher than it was two weeks ago, when I was actually getting something done. Oh well. You live, you learn. Life goes on.

<sidenote audience="ucollege.edu friends">
Those of you who went to school with me last year (and I know at least one of you reads this page, usually hitting new content within hours of me publishing it) will remember a certain class some of us had to take. This was a class we all poked fun at and agonized over to no end about. You know the one. Where we learned all those brilliant "infrastructure-based flowchart project plan solutions to be integrated into the development life cycle schedule of the mission strategy statements." Or some drivel along those lines. lol. And then the team that actually got something useful done by the end of the semester was reprimanded for doing so? (Hint: it wasn't the team I was on. heeheehee.) Anyone who was there knows what I'm talking about.

Friends, despite our disbelief that anything could really operate in such a way, I tell you now: I have seen the beast, and it is REAL! And it will drive you insane just thinking about it! Ahahahahahahah! :)
</sidenote>

Back to the present. Remember how I said in last night's rambling that yesterday, I got a really nice little piece of email from someone that really helped me along? Today, I got some other really cool email from someone else (and the person who sent me yesterday's email is challenged to take two guesses at who today's email was from. I'm fairly certain that the second guess wouldn't be needed). Anyway, it came at just the right time, and really helped keep my sanity together. It's often the little things that make an otherwise dull life really fun.

[Bleep. Bitscape forgets to watch his swap meter. Netscape crashes. One hell of a time is had grepping through /proc/kcore and /dev/hda2 to get it all back. Everything is pieced back together, times are forged. No one will even know how many times I swore at my computer during that forty five minutes...]

So anyway, I come home from work today, totally beat. Mom has cooked some really good stuff, which I eat. Afterwards, I retreat to my room, decide my desktop wallpaper is due for a change, and proceed to switch to a new one. (I have temporarily reneged on the philosophy that plain, tilable wallpapers are preferable to more distracting images, particularly those depicting attractive females.)

And now, having again spent much more time doing this than I originally planned, I think I'll listen to a little music, read a little, go to sleep, and look forward to tomorrow (which I have the sinking feeling is going to end with a similar sense of non-accomplishment that today has brought. ugggh.)