Transcode is running, the compiler is churning, and suddenly, I'm feeling more prolific again.

What of the vague plan to get rid of most of my stuff, go on the road, and be completely insane?

As it stands, the only people who know about these ideas are those who read this web page. I haven't discussed it with anyone else. But I have had more time to think about it, and...

Getting rid of stuff is hard sometimes! Having already taken a chunk out of the "stuff with sentimental value" angle, the weekend before last, I tried another area (but still under the category of "dvd media"). I took one dvd I didn't care that much about to a used store, and tried to see how much I could get for it.

The reply was unsettling. "Nothing. I've already got 5 of those in the back. Don't need any more."

Crap. What am I going to do with this damn thing? I guess I could wander around town and see if any other stores would take it, try hawking it on ebay, or something. But I was hoping for simple and hassle-free. Why oh why did I pay $20 for a film I watched at most 3 times after I bought it 3 years ago?

It ended up back on the shelf, for now.

As for my grander plan, I don't know how far it's going to go. I want to keep swimming away from the shore, little by little, and keep seeing how it feels.

One thing that all this "getting rid of stuff" meme has impressed upon me, even if I don't make it all the way to fitting everything in my car, is that I've all but quit spending money on stupid trinkets.

Four years ago, the thought never would have occurred to me that I might eventually seek to rid myself of it all. (Except perhaps in my subconscious, like when I was buying the Fight Club 2-disc set.) It's easy to look back and say, "Wow, if I had known then what I know now, I would have done things drastically differently."

In that vein, I probably wouldn't have bought a car, because it was feasible (though inconvenient) to take the bus to work. I certainly wouldn't have bought a 100-watt-per-channel 5.1 sounds system that's next to useless in any apartment without concrete sound proofing. I could say the same about a number of other objects.

But if, hypothetically, I could go back in time and change my actions, would I really do so? No! That would mean denying myself the journey. I needed to go there in order to see where that path led, and experience it for myself. Now, I know, and I think I'm better for it. To quote Trinity, "You know that road. You know exactly where it ends. And I know that's not where you want to be."

But I had to go there in order to find that knowledge.

For all I know, the road I'm taking now might seem incredibly silly or stupid when I look back on it 5 years from now. I accept that possibility. In fact, I'm almost counting on it. The more experience one gains, the more obvious previous blunders become.

So... Aside from some fantasy road trip which may or may not ever happen, what am I aiming for? Is "voluntary simplicity" (a term Ran dislikes, and one I am ambivalent about) the end-all and be-all?

I think there has to be more.

As I have discussed a couple weeks ago, becoming obsessed with merely "getting rid of stuff" (which seems to be a fairly common theme, not only for me, but among members of the budding dropout list) is little more than materialism in reverse. It's spinning the same engine around with the gear mechanism aligned a little bit differently. That doesn't mean I'm condemning the idea, because sometimes a change in direction is needed. However, I don't think it works as "the solution" to the problem of our dependence (emotional and otherwise) on the capitalistic hierarchy.

Speaking for myself now, in order to truly be free, I not only need to learn to survive physically (dumpstering and such), but also to understand and thus hopefully loosen the psychological elements which keep me enslaved to the system.

I recognize that there exist emotional and spiritual voids which I have often attempted to fill by acquiring more items. For the most part, such attempts have been stunning failures. Upon recognizing these failures, it's not enough to simply conclude, "Ok, this isn't working, so let's get rid of all this stuff, and be free!" If that's all that happens, then I'm back to where I started: An empty void.

I need to gain a better understanding of my own needs and find ways to meet them in a manner that is truly fulfilling. How do I do this?

Well, I suppose that is what life's journey is really all about.

I'm out of words now. Goodnight.