This morning was one of those days when it was hard to get out of bed at all. I didn't even go to bed that late last night. It couldn't have been much later than 23:00. That means I must have slept for around 11 hours!

The day would keep trying to wake me up, but I wanted it to go away. My body didn't want to move. My mind wanted to return to enchanted dreamland. My heart wanted to burrow deeper and deeper into the earth. I told the day to go away and come back later.

I tried fighting it. I tried running away from it. I tried ignoring it. But the day always wins. Though it is sometimes possible to achieve short term success in such a battle, the longer you fight it off, the harder it comes back to bite you in the ass later. Defeat is inevitable.

In a sense, this may not quite be true. I believe there may yet be a final victory on some distant horizon, but it will not come until the last breath has left the lungs, the heart ceases to pump blood, and the brain waves go flat. Then, perhaps, the battle will finally be won.

I often long for that moment, but not to the degree that I am willing to try to force its early arrival. It will come when it is ready. Like an angel, with great black silent wings, it might sneak up unannounced, or it might glide gradually into my awareness, anticipation building as it prepares to meet me with the sweet kiss of oblivion.

Everyone meets it sooner or later. Some may fear it, and try to avoid it, even to the point of deluding themselves into believing they can escape it forever. As for me, I am already preparing a big welcome party for it. My dreams are the prelude. My madness is the decoration.

Ahem.

A few minutes ago, I had this really silly idea -- not even an idea, actually; more of a vague urge. I want to go out and get everybody I know some kind of really cool gift. I don't mean just buying a bunch of stupid trinkets for people either. It should be something really nice, for everyone. My parents especially. But what?

In determining this, I feel hopelessly inept. Whenever it comes close to Christmas time, I'm generally the one standing in the aisle of some annoying store, searching hopelessly for some clue as to what this or that person might want or need. Need? Who in our culture doesn't already have everything they need anyway? But I'm not even really talking about Christmas, I'm talking about something else.

What I want is to find a way to make the people around me happy. For brief moments in time, I might be able to succeed a little bit, but it always fades. Even on my best days, I can barely figure out how to improve my own happiness, so how can I possibly do so for others?

Blah. Typing all this is silly. I need to quit staring at the computer screen.