I have noticed that one of the inevitable effects of the my mood swings is that during the downward portion, I often find myself with an incredible sense of neediness combined with a paralyzing fear that something will go wrong around every corner.

When I'm on top, I feel like nothing can really damage me, at least in an emotional sense. This can be a really good thing, so long as I exercise reason, as it allows me to venture outside the confines of my usual comfort zone.

But on the downward slide, I retreat back into that comfort zone. Typically, this means isolating myself. Isolation leads to further paralysis. I need to find a way out; a balance, somewhere.

Last week, I said, "I just started talking to her. Nothing more."

Is it realy that simple? Well, yes and no.

The "yes" part is obvious. It is that simple.

The "no" part is trickeir. In order to get my mind into a mode where I can talk (and listen) effectively with such a stranger without completely stumbling over my own tongue, or having my own mental noise drown out my immediate comprehension of the conversation, I have to either (1) be under the influence of psychotropic substances, or (2) achieve an altered state of mind through more natural means, such as sleep deprivation, stress, a life-altering experience, or a manic episode, to name a few.

Sometimes, I wish more than anything that I could rid myself of all such apprehensions. Permanently. I want to always walk around as if having just been struck my lightning.

But that is not my lot in life. I deal with what I have, and find a way to work with it. Perhaps with time and mental discipline, I might be able to find a way to improve incrementally. Or perhaps not. Maybe we all just are whatever we are, and nothing more can be done about it.

Or maybe the real key is to stop hating myself and trying to change myself, and accept me for what I am, complete with all the shortfalls. Thus perhaps, allowing me to better accept others along with their faults.

I have noticed my paranoia level going up somewhat (though nothing approaching the danger zone), even as my energy level has gone down. This does not fit with my recollection of past such episodes. Then again, my memories might be somewhat jumbled.

I want to have purpose and meaning. Both of these once again seem to be slipping away. I tell myself it's all part of the cycle. I guess I just need to let it go, and someday, maybe it will find me again.

I now have time to type the ramblings I didn't get around to on Sunday. But the inspiration is no longer there. I couldn't do them justice now. Sure, I could mechanically churn out dry paragraph after dry paragraph of things I remember wanting to say, but with the moment no longer behind it, I could spend laborious hours and still not have anything as good as what was in my mind then. I find this frustrating.

My dad is home. The moment is no longer behind this rambling. It is past. Now eat it.