Worked at the deli again today. Or, to be more correct, tonight. It was busy, but uneventful.

In contemplating my financial and career future (which seem to be inexorably intertwined), I have to face the fact that, in some ways, I was more or less an idiot when it came to managing money back when I had it. What do I mean by that? In simple terms: I saved little more than nothing.

Well, you know what they say about hindsight...

To be fair to myself, there was a lot that I did right too. With the exception of my car, I didn't go into debt. And with regard to the car, I paid a bunch of that ahead, so I didn't have to worry about it for a while during the hard months.

Now, if I could just finish that last debt off, and get a nice programming job again... I'd do everything the right way next time, wouldn't I?

Or, if the "best case scenario" were to happen, would it take me but a few short months to get used to having a nice salary again, take the money coming in for granted, proceed along the assumption that it will continue indefinitely (even if I know that it might not), and spend it all on nice little toys and fun?

I guess it's all relative. I like to think that my living requirements are rather modest, but even by a lot of people's standards (especially worldwide), I've still got it pretty damn good.

Anyway...

With regard to finding a tech/programming job, even though I've decided it's what I want to pursue, I find myself rather daunted by the whole process.

I've said it before, but I'll reiterate: I HATE job-hunting. I hate working on the resume. I hate job interviews. I hate the stress of wondering whether I've given the right answers. I hate all the self-doubt that inevitably seems to creep into the process.

Historically, in every instance, after I've been hired for a job, I've done fine, but everything before that is hell. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

So this leads me to wonder, given how much I seem to loathe job hunting, since I already have some work, non-ideal though it may be, am I motivated enough to overcome these things, and do it anyway, for the good of my future?

The thought has occurred that maybe I would do well to invoke the services of a recruiting firm, or career counseling service, or... something.

I dunno. Maybe what I want is a quick and easy answer. And of course, there are none of those.

Maybe I'm spinning my mental wheels needlessly. Maybe I should just give up, take my lot in life, and accept that my career in the tech world is a thing of the past, which, for a while, is what I thought I might have I wanted anyway. Grrrrrrrrr....

I am an impossible character, aren't I? Give me what I say I want, and I start to want something else. When I get it, then I don't want it anymore. Nutty.

I'm going to take in a few more Type O Neg tunes before bed. Peace.