Tonight's tale begins last week. Specifically, last Friday night. That's where I'll pick it up, anyway.

A coworker at the deli -- the same coworker who had at one time told me he was a programmer and had talked a little bit about computer stuff -- asked me a question. "Can you program e-commerce?"

Hmmm... Interesting question, given that the word "e-commerce" can mean just about anything, depending on who you're talking to. "That depends. What specific language or application are you talking about?"

"Just e-commerce. Can you make an e-commerce website? Where people can buy things."

"Well, yeah, I suppose I am capable of such a thing. But I would really need more specific information, like what it would need to do, what scripts to be written, what language to do it in, how it would need to work, etc etc..."

"Aren't all e-commerce websites done in Java?"

Bzzzt. The clue-meter goes down with each passing moment. "Not necessarily. Java is one of many possible languages which can be used to generate and process 'e-commerce' data."

"How much would you charge to make me an e-commerce website?"

Ok, at this point, I was lol, and thinking, what the hell? I suppose it's also made funnier by the fact that the person I was talking to is known to be... I'll put it this way: A Character, with a capital C. I answered. "Well, in order to come even close to answering that, I'd need to have some idea what this supposed e-commerce website needs to do." (Meanwhile, inside my head, I'm thinking: Oh great. What sort of scam is this guy up to now? Yes, he has the reputation of being that sort of character too.)

"Ok, here's the deal. I need a site where people can view a picture, and then if they want to get it, then they have to pay a fee to download it to their hard drive."

Timeout. View a picture for free, and then pay to download it? Anyone who has ever done anything with web authoring (or even understands the principles behind it) knows that a picture must be downloaded before it can be viewed, even if the web browser makes this operation transparent to the user. (Unless, of course, one is talking about making higher resolution images available at a premium...)

He proceeded to explain how several of his friends have decided that they're going to embark on a novel entrepreneurial endeavor: The tried and true business of starting a porn site. With original content. He's already got one person who's going to model, and she's going to bring several of her friends into it, who are willing to do pretty much anything for the camera, and they've got venture capital funding, and blah, blah, blah.

Oh dear. This concept sounded even more ridiculous than buildmeasite!

I proceeded to explain that it is technically impossible to allow people to freely view something without downloading it. (Despite what DRM scam artists from the ??AA might wishfully long for.)

He then changed the idea: "Ok, we'll put the pictures up for free, and charge to download movie files. Can you build a website that would do that?"

Sigh. Well, at least this theory was technically feasible. I said that yes, such a thing is possible. However, in order to accept payments, it would require either signing up with a credit card processing company, or PayPal. I questioned whether it was really a good idea to charge by the file, since it would make payment difficult in the absence of a micro-payment infrastructure. "Do you bill a separate item on the credit card for each and every movie file that a person downloads? You know, there's a very good reason most porn sites charge a monthly membership instead of doing what you're describing."

"Hey, there's an idea! We could charge a monthly membership, and after they've joined, charge them another fee to download each movie."

Obviously, I wasn't getting my point through. I pointed out that the online porn industry is extremely competitive, and while I wouldn't rule out success, it wasn't going to come that easily. "How are you going to differentiate from all the other porn sites out there?"

"Oh, believe me. We'll stand out. Once you see what these girls will do... it's gonna be awesome!"

/me shakes head. The entire scene was utterly laughable. Here we are, standing in the deli, slicing meat, discussing the finer aspects of the online porn business while customers on the other side of the counter wander about. It was nothing if not entertaining.

Well, I obviously wasn't going to convince him of anything. While I'm sure the girls he has found might be very adventurous (oddly, that's one part of his story that I don't have much trouble believing), there ain't nothin they can do that hasn't been done a thousand times before, recorded in front of a camera, and posted on a website. It's old news.

He again asked me if I could make a website, and what I would charge. I told him if he and his associates could come up with a more specific and detailed spec on the desired technical capabilities, I would provide "a rough estimate." (I was actually very tempted to just say "not interested" on the spot, due to way the whole thing sounded so shaky. I decided that I almost certainly would, if any such a spec ever did appear.)

He said he'd have it to me in a couple of days. Despite my doubts, I couldn't help but be amused as he went on about how great it was going to be to become an "online pimp".

...

Today, when I arrived at work, the people who were on staff informed me that the aforementioned individual did not show up at work today. His shift was scheduled to begin 2 hours before mine. He still hadn't arrived.

Furthermore, in my absence yesterday, he had given his two weeks notice. He was quitting. (Not a total surprise. He had been talking for weeks about how he was sick of the place, and wanted to find something else.) Apparently, he had decided that even 2 weeks was too long to continue sticking around. He was presumed gone forever.

This meant a couple things:

1) the manager had to scramble to find other people to schedule to cover over the next few days. She was calling up other staff who weren't already fully booked. It was especially tricky since some people are on vacation, so it's already semi-short-staffed as it is. (I've already got a full 40 hours this week, due to the fact that other people are gone.)

2) Everyone present worked overtime today. The people who were in for the day shift stayed as long as they could to help clean up and prepare for the evening. From 5 o'clock on, there were just two of us (when normally there should be at least 3), and the counter was ridiculously busy. Slammed solid for over 3 hours.

After that, not only did we have our normal cleanup duties (which can usually be done before it's time to leave, unless there's a rush of customers), but we also had to clean up the hotbar, and the deep fryer, because that would normally have been his job.

The guy who was supposed to leave at 7:30 stayed until after 11:30(!), which was way longer than anything resembling normal. (A 12-hour shift. Ouch.) I managed to get out at 1:05 (over an hour after my scheduled departure). I only got out when I did because he had stuck around so long to help.

The good thing about it, of course, is that we get overtime pay. Quite exhausting though.

After this experience, I have decided that if and when I do find a programming job (or other yet-to-be-seen lucrative opportunity), I will definitely NOT leave before two weeks notice is up, if for no other reason than that I now know first hand what a pain it causes for everyone else when somebody just disappears.

Alright, I'm tired. But I'm due for at least one Buffy episode before bed, even if it is late.

Adios.