--Dream Theater.

...

Radiohead.

I'm diggin the music tonight.

And reading some slashdot.

Thinking about my own past and future a lot lately. Where do I go from here?

I got what I wanted. Well, not everything I wanted (didn't get to keep my apartment), but I achieved my short term goal of finding a job. "Any job." So now what?

How long do I want to work there? What are my other objectives in life? What's the mission? To endeavor to stay where I am, or position myself to "move on"?

Well, before endeavoring to answer these questions, I'm going to ramble a little. That's what this page is for, after all. :)

With a healthy dose of cow meat, potatos, and caffeine being comfortabliy processed in my stomach, we just might be set for a marathon rambling tonight. Maybe, maybe, maybe... :)

First, a little bit about my current work. It has now been one month since I started work at the deli. At this point, I think I can comfortably say that I have passed the trial by fire, so to speak. I'm one of the crew now.

A little anecdote which might shed a bit of light on the typical turnover rate of new hires. Today, I was talking with a king soopers "veteran" who once worked in the deli before moving on to another, better paying department, but still occassionally wanders over to visit every now and then. Her first words to me today. "So, you're still working here, huh?" As if the sight of me at the counter again was some sort of unexpected event.

I'll admit that the first few weeks, during which I found myself fighting almost every minute to absorb and learn while simulataniously being productive, were quite stressful. But with familiarity comes ease. I can believe it when I am told that soon, it will all be second nature. Very conceivable. In fact, it's started to happen.

I like my coworkers. Thankfully, they're all nice people. Unrepentant perverts, the whole lot of them. (Yep, as soon as customers are out of earshot, welcome to the barnyard.) It's good to know I'm among like-minded company.

However, with regard to the rest of my life, I've been quite guarded. I don't advertise my former line of work, or even the fact that I'm into tech stuff at all. I've avoided telling people about my living situation. I've even mostly kept to myself about my tastes in music, movies, tv shows, and whatnot. (Although today, I just couldn't resist getting into a discussion about Buffy when the topic came up.) My general philosophy so far has been to never volunteer information unless directly asked, and even when a question is asked, answer in the briefest and vaguest way possible.

This sets me apart, because pretty much everyone else around there is fairly open about their lives. I am an enigma, intentionally so. Why?

Am I paranoid because of what happened at my last job when I tried to trust people? Have I become so afraid of being backstabbed that I lock my shell shut, never to open it again? Perhaps that could account for a partial explanation, but I think there's more.

My own personal theory, through introspection, is that I have a general tendancy in life at large (ever since grade school at least) to avoid divulging anything personal to anyone who falls outside a very small "circle" of people I feel I can trust. The line which distinguishes who is "in" or "not in" this circle is not a binary value. It is vague, has a large range of intermediate "grey" values, and continuously changes with every moment.

When the circle is small, it has a strong tendancy to remain small, because its very existence prevents "untrustworthy" people from getting close enough to reach "trustworthy" status. It is only with conscious effort, either on the part of myself or others, that it expands.

But once every blue moon, somewhere inside my head, a switch gets flipped. The cause can be anybody's guess. Maybe it's a sudden dose of rationality. Maybe it's insanity. The circle evaporates, or fluctuates wildly. Something on a very fundamental level at the most primal level of my essence says, "There's no reason to be afraid. ... ... Or is there?"

I can see the buddha in everyone. I can look into anybody's eyes and in an instant, realize that all consciousness is of one energy, and energy is life, and life is now, so why not live it in a state of connected awareness to all who share -- whether they know it or not -- this intangible spec of divine essence, manifested as sentience in every passing moment.

That, in its purest form, is what I would refer to as an enlightented experience.

(And yes, if a sequel to Waking Life is ever made, I do intend to audition for a role.)

Where was I going with this? Ummm...

Well, despite the occassoinal enlightened moment, the cold, hard face of our so-called "reality" eventually rears its cynical head, trusts are sometimes betrayed, confidences lost, and so.... I hide in my corner for a while, and wonder when it will become safe to take a step into the light again. Maybe it already is? Just a small one.

There. That wasn't so bad, was it?

The cycle eternal continues...

On a lighter note, let's move on to the topic of music. Specifically, music at work. After working in a grocery store for a while, one cannot help but become intimately familiar with the playlist in the store. You know what I mean; the background music that's constantly running while you shop. Usually consisting of soft "mellow" songs, it helps to put consumers at ease while they discover new and exciting bargains on brandname dishwashing detergent, saltine crackers, and chicken legs.

Inevitably, the endless repetition also becomes the bane of every employee who hears it day after day. (One coworker has expressed a theory that somebody higher up in the company, who obviously doesn't spend the majority of their workday in the store, has a very sadistic and twisted sense of humor to inflict what will soon be described.)

Among the (un)favorites of the king soopers deli staff:

• Jewel. The "Am I standing still" song. It's easily the most frequently played thing ever. I'm sure bouncing would be thrilled. Prior to this job, I had no strong opinion about it one way or another. Now, it will forever be associated with the workplace.
• My personal unfavorate: That godawful excuse for theme music from the television show Enterprise. No, I'm not joking. It plays at least once every day. Apparently, somebody thinks the populace needs to be continuously reminded of what a sorry bunch of sap the once-great Star Trek franchise has become, by repeatedly bombarding grocery store occupants with this most despised aspect of its latest incarnation. "Why, God? Why?"
• Britney Spears. From her debut album: "Sometimes I run. Sometimes I hide. Sometimes I'm scared of you. But all I really want is to hold you tight, treat you right. Be with you day and night. Baby all I need is time." [sigh] Methinks somebody is engaged in a conspiracy to rid me of my idiotic affinity for the music of this pop idle. What better way to do it than to hack into the king soopers playlist generator and flood the speakers with enough of it to make anybody sick. Uggh.
• As of late, some really corny, overly cheery renditions of chrismas songs. Should we be glad that the holiday season is here, since any change, no matter what it may be, is good? The jury is out on that one.
• Misc crap: Enrique whatshisface, boy bands, Elvis. (Yes, Elvis has been heard. Thankfully, it doesn't seem to be on the most frequent list.) One coworker even reported hearing John Denver while I was out on break. "Make it stop! Make it stop!"

Hmmm... Perhaps somebody should market an industrial strength version of a certain *ahem*jukebox*ahem* creation to grocery store chains throughout the metro area. Every employee gets a login, and so do customers who sign up for a sooper card. Now THAT would be an experiment to behold!

From here, we can now segue into the discussion of my employment future.

Here's what the near future looks like. As far as the work itself goes, the deli ain't bad. It's nothing terribly glamorous or exciting, but I am performing a clearly useful function in society, with tangible benefit to people. (Which, to me, is an important aspect of job satisfaction. It's also why I would never want to be, say... a middle manager in some overbloated enron-esque hype-sustained bureacracy, even if the pay was good.)

As far as paying enough to make a decent living goes, working in the deli sucks. This is probably the biggest reason I don't consider it viable as a long term career choice. Even if the job itself were the most satisfying thing in the world, if you're just barely making enough to scrape by and pay the rent... well, it's better than nothing, but it would be advisable to seek out other options.

Right now, I'm sort of "cheating" by living rent-free off my parents. How long this could last, even if I wanted it to, is not really a limit I care to push. It is nice to have a couple months of "break" from paying rent, and spend a little of my money on games and movies. But I can't make this an ongoing way of life, for both my sake and that of my parents.

Well... here's a decision. Since I've got a job now, I'm going to stick with it for a while. Six months, minimum. Between now and next May, I'm not even going to try to find a tech job, or any other type of work. I had been considering doing some active searching for another programming job, but I don't think that's a good idea right now.

IF something were to unexpectedly fall into my lap out of the blue, I would have to seriously consider it. But I'm not going to go seeking out work. Last August, I made a decision that I wanted to get a little bit of distance from the software "industry" for a while (maybe not forever), and I it would be good to hold to that, even if it's tougher economically.

In this economy, even if I put forth my best effort in trying to get a programming job, it doesn't look likely. Maybe if I really put my mind and heart into it, and luck happened to favor me, maybe I could. (Or so I'd like to think.) But I'm not going to. Not now.

However, I would like to continue helping out with buildmeasite. (Perhaps a more accurate word instead of "continue" would be "resume".) Doing this while working a 32-hour-per-week part time job, is proving to be... well... a little less easy than I had hoped. (Especially when I've got side addictions that consume time chunks measured in days.)

Oh well. I'm not even sure about the current status of the buildmeasite server transition anymore. Hmmm... Perhaps a few trips to the Boulder Compound this week to spiff up, test, debug, and implement missing features in my code would be warranted.

Ok, anyway. Getting back on track.

If I stay in my current job for the next six months, as is the current plan, what about housing? Here are tho options, as I see them:

• Keep living with parents, assuming they'll let me. I think I can safely say that I don't want this situation to continue for that long. Therefore, other alternatives are required.
• Find an apartment by myself. I think I can safely say that given current rent rates in the area versus my pay, it would make finances extremely tight. I'm not yet ruling this option out entirely though.
• Find a roommate. Not exactly an idea that makes me jump for joy. I prefer having my own living space to myself. However, less than ideal circumstances may require less than ideal solutions. We'll see.
• Figure out some other wacky arrangement. Specifics elude me at this time, but I'm sure there exist possibilities I haven't thought about.

Hmmm... These are interesting times. Right now, I think it's safe to say that the current arrangemnt of lodging with my parents will continue through the month of December.

Alright. I now see that it's after 3am. I'm feeling the effects of tiredness. So I shall end this mighty screed, and journey back to my bed, over at mom's place.

Tomorrow (meaning today), the rest of the general population starts its work week. But I have the day off. Lucky me.

Over and out.