A million miles away from here....

...the dawn of the third age of mankind, 10 years after the earth minbari war....

I've been watching an unhealthy quantity of Babylon 5 episodes. Day off today. I'm already halfway through season 1. Insane? Perhaps.

For the past few weeks, I've been idly observing the unfolding of the spectacle known as Winona Ryder's shoplifting trial through Google News-colored glasses. But I think this little piece is the most insightful thing I've read about the matter yet.

"It's not too late to make it better. We're slackers, after all -- we're accustomed to being blamed and despised. We can take the heat for your indiscretions. All you have to do is come back to us, come back to our couch and our reruns and our grunge. Put on some sweatpants and forget the matching accessories and the celebrity boyfriends. We'll still love you."

Ridiculously sentimental, I know. But somehow, the words strike a chord. Anyway...

My thoughts, during those moments when they are not being absorbed into the escapist wonders of far away worlds, are.... an odd mish-mash of futility.

The thought that the country seems to have almost collectively lost its mind at the voting booth yesterday doesn't help. More so-called "Homeland Security" bullshit, more invasions of people's privacy, more meddling of religion in state affairs, more war-mongering against the middle east. This is what people want? I don't get it. But then again, the other major party, as a rule, didn't offer much of an alternative. Neither party spoke for me. Where does that leave representational government?

Typing this from the living room of my dad's apartment, I ponder the future of my own life with a certain bleakness. Perhaps unwarranted, perhaps not.

I now have a job. Good for me. So now what?

I have thoughts of seeking living arrangements apart from my parents again, but wonder if there's really any point to it. At the wages I'm getting, just paying rent and basic expenses would eat it all. Survival. Nothing more. Forget about finishing off my remaining debts anytime soon.

Even with a job, it was probably dumb of me to spend money on B5 discs yesterday, because I've got car insurance coming up due soon. Doh.

It almost makes me wonder if it wouldn't just be a better idea to sell my car, use the proceeds to pay off my debt (which was taken out to pay for the car in the first place), which should also leave me a few thousand in the bank. Plus, no insurance to pay.

Ah, but then how do I commute to work? That gets tricky. And how would I get around town so easily and fluidly? I love having a car. I really don't want to go back to being stuck with riding the bus, or bumming rides off other people at their convenience. Not appealing.

My job is in Boulder. From here at my dad's place, the commute is about a half hour. Not terrible, but if I could, I would much prefer to live closer to where I work. As everyone knows, rent and housing in Boulder is anything but cheap. So either I pay significantly higher housing, or take it up the ass in commuting costs.

Expenses go up. Wages go down. Welcome to the American Dream[tm].

Sorry if this rambling is on the bitchy side. This is my designated venting zone. With that in mind, here comes some more.

I got an ego boost at work yesterday. Shortly after I started my shift, a manager from the store came into the deli and asked me to sign a paper. When I asked what it was about, he said that I had been visited by a "mystery shopper" and scored 100% in my customer service skills. Mystery shoppers are people hired by the store to "shop" and report back to management on how well employees are doing their jobs. The troll^H^H^H^H^H mystery shopper had reported that I had been friendly, helpful, and followed all the guidelines in dealing with the people on the other side of the counter. Yay for me.

Initially, I felt good about having received this affirmation. In truth, I still do. It feels good to think that somebody has recognized the efforts I've made; that someone other than myself thinks I'm doing a good job, especially after the treatment I was given on my last day at my former job. I think I needed something like that.

At the same time, the fact that the store hires people to spy on its own employees wierds me out just a little. It's just a tiny bit too 1984-ish for my tastes. If people running the store truly believed in their own "our people make the difference" propaganda, they wouldn't feel the need to send in covert investigators unless there was reason for suspicion.

Now, every time I deal with a customer, I have to wonder whether it is a real customer, or a planted agent. What does that do for customer trust, or community building? If the only reason employees have to practice "good customer service" is out of fear that they might be dealing with an imposter, then the trust is already gone. So much for being a good employee. [sigh]

I'd rather deal with a company that places enough genuine trust in its employees not to spy on them as a matter of policy. It's really a matter of how I want to live my life, and how I, as a person, expect to be treated with the same dignity and respect they want us to give to "customers".

But I'll keep working at this job for a while, because frankly, it's the best thing I've got going right now. Maybe at some point, I'll write a letter to the store manager, in which I might be able to do a much better job of articulating and expressing these sentiments that I've done here in this haphazard rambling.

But anyway... I am feeling kind of frustrated right now, because my future, at least in financial terms, looks a bit bleak.

Sure, I could go back to school, incur massive debt, and hope that maybe when I get out, somebody might be interested in hiring skilled and educated people instead of laying them off. Not a gamble I like, but I have to admit I am considering it.

I'm also considering the possibility of seriously seeking another programming job, here or elsewhere, difficult though that may be to find. Now that I have some kind of job to get me by in the service industry for a while, maybe I can afford to be somewhat selective, taking my time with it, and jumping if and when the "perfect" spot comes along. Maybe. It seems like a possibility at least. Or maybe I would do just as well to wait for the sun to turn purple.

I dunno. I waffle about whether I even want to get back into the computer industry, even if a job was available right now. My last job left me feeling pretty burned out and cynical about the whole thing. If all other things, including money, were equal (which it's not), could it be that I might rather just work in a deli for a while? If only I could find a way to live on my own and make the finances work...

Well, one thing seems to be clear: I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Welcome to my world.

Socially... Well, who has time for a social life these days? I seem to have lost the will for it. Maybe not the will, but the confidence. Hell, I'm squeezing into the corner of my dad's fucking living room for a place to sleep. What more needs be said?

Alright, this has gone on long enough for one evening. I have nothing else of substance to say. But....

I want to end on a more positive note. I want to say something that at least inspires me, and might have a chance of inspiring anyone who might happen to read this. I want to be something other than an oozing swamp of negativity, depression, and skulking. I want this website to be something more. I want it to have power, in a positive way.

But how?

If our president takes this country goes into an unprovoked war, with the apparent consent of the voting population, then I don't know or understand my own country anymore. I'm out of touch.

Excuse me while I wander into the hills to go live in a cave for the next year.

I need to sleep again soon. Maybe things will become clear when I wake up.