Tonight, I attended BLUG. A most worthy experience.

The preliminary talk focused on xchat as a way to do irc. During this chat, I learned that BLUG has an irc server specifically setup where people can chat. Handy.

The main talk was about the Ruby programming language. I theorize that at least as far as syntax goes, Ruby might just be a worthy contender for perl. Certainly some interesting language constructs. Maybe I'll get more into it at some theoretical point in the future.

An entire contingent from the Boulder Compound also showed up. Jaeger, Kiesa, and Captain Logan were all in attendance. Hooray!

BLUG is a great thing. I think I'm going to go to the installfest on Sunday, and help out if needed. They're even going to give a plug for it on KGNU radio tomorrow morning. Everybody in the Boulder area is instructed to tune your dial to 88.5 FM at 8:00. It is scheduled to air sometime between 8:00 and 8:30. (If I know anything about the way KGNU schedules their segments, I would bet it would either be on the event calender, which airs at about 8:06 right after the BBC news, or if it's a full interview, then it will be more like 8:15 or 8:20, after they've finished going over the general local news items.)

[Bitscape sets his own clock radio to activate at the appropriate time, since I'd never be awake by then on my current somatic cycles.]

I'm trying to think of what I wanted to say next, but my mind is drawing blanks right now.

Oh yes. Get a job! That was it.

Um.... yeah...

Well, the little screed I posted last night was on the ugly side. It can indicate to me one of two things: (1) Maybe I do have some serious problems which need attention, or (2) It was one of those temporary but momentary lapses of emotional stability brought on largely by unemployment-related stresses, and everything will be fine.

Bah. Both of those conclusions would be gross oversimplification. Life is just wierd sometimes.

Going over the current state of my life again as I drove home from BLUG, I reached two conclusions: (1) During the past few days and weeks, I have been fluctuating in and out of irresponsible patterns of thought and behavior, which appear to have gradually taken a trend toward the worse. (2) I need to have a little more faith, both in myself, and in the world.

Regarding the irresponsible thought and behavior. This is all based on my memory. I think it really started taking a turn for the worse sometime after I lost my job, when fear really started to kick in. I mentally panicked. I feared that I'd lose my apartment. Lose my car. Not have anywhere to put my stuff. Or nowhere to stay. Be unable to pay the bills. All that.

What does one do with those fears? Try to hide from them? I think that's what I've been doing, in one way or another, for the past several weeks. Hide by trying to make myself comfortable in the moment. Sleep. Listen to music excessively. Reload Slashdot like a compulsive freak. Put more hot sauce in my food. Anything but face my own worries. But when you do that, the worries only get bigger.

So I try to blame somebody. My old employer. The fucking world, and the screwed up way it's all setup. Things are going to shit, so it's all against me, right? Everyone in the world is out to screw me up, right?

Wrong. Here's where responsibility comes in.

My choices led me to the path I am on. I was not insane when I posted online rants about the faults and shortcomings of the company I was working for. About how it had deteriorated so much since I started working there back in 2000. I was saying that stuff before I lost my job. It's no wonder they wanted to get rid of me when they caught wind of it.

My choice in venting such stuff was simple, really. I was opting for idealism; I wanted freedom over security. I was less worried about losing my job than I was about spending my foreseeable future in a place that clearly didn't have the same goals and objectives as I did. In fact, some of what they do runs contrary to my most cherished ideals, and has for a long time. I knew this, and I was finished pretending otherwise.

So now, nearly a month has gone by, I've run out of money, and here I sit, whining in my corner. It's time to stop that. It's time to stand up for what I am, even if I sometimes feel like shit.

That's the path I chose. Now I need to follow through.

That's where the faith comes in. Things are going to be alright. No matter what happens, as long as I keep my integrity, I will at least have that.

But there's more than that. Part of having integrity is facing life head-on, rather than hiding. That's where I've been stumbling. It's just so much easier to take another nap, eat another bagel, turn on the screen blanker, and groan, hoping it all gets better tomorrow.

That's not to say I haven't been looking for jobs, or getting other things done. I just haven't been meeting it with the zeal, energy, and passion I invoked when I lost my job.

Well... and to be fair to myself, getting repeated rejections does seem to suck the spirit out of me like nothing else. Still, I can't make excuses.

Tomorrow at 17:00, I have an interview with the Sierra Club. Honestly, I don't know if it's going to be a job that's suited for me at all. It may, or may not. At this point in my life, I can't say I'm totally gung ho about the same political issues they are, although I'm much more of a sympathizer with their cause now that I would have been 5 or 10 years ago.

The very fact that the person I talked to on the phone didn't seem to balk at all when I mentioned that my professional work history consists of nothing but software engineering. Even though I'm likely to have virtually no experience in whatever this job turns out to be, they wanted to schedule an interview. That says... something. What it says, I'm not exactly certain.

I guess the other thing I got from the phone conversation was a sort of "good vibe", like these are people who care about what they're doing. After having two years in a job where mindless pursuit of buzzword-laden catering to customer idiocy rules the day, just the fact that they seem to really care is like a breath of fresh air.

Does this make sense to people, or am I just spouting nonsense?

I guess what really matters, since this is my life, is that it makes sense to me.

Garg. I've been sitting and typing in front of this console long enough. (While also chatting in other places, using clients for various protocols.)

I need to have courage. Keep my life in balance. Keep rowing. Improve in the areas where I have been falling down. Stay sane. Don't lose my spirit. And help others along the way where I see a need. That's my mission.

Signing off. Peace.