And so I open this terminal yet again to spew out textual representations of my ongoing thoughts. I have too many stupid thoughts. Don't people ever get bored of this? My apache logs seem to indicate otherwise. This is by no means a high traffic site, but for whatever reason, there's a batch of readers who just keep coming back to see more. A few of them post comments, but more are simply silent lurkers.

Well, tonight, it's melancholy. Not feeling violently self-destructive, or anything crazy like that at this point. Just... sad. And, as always, worried. To have so much worry just isn't productive. I know this, but I can't help it. I'm unemployed. I'm broke. If I don't get a job quickly, bills are going to be paid late, if at all. This worries me.

Even if I do get a job, if it doesn't pay enough to cover my basic expenses, I'm still in a deep hole. More worry.

I try not to overreact. Just because I lost my job doesn't mean my entire life is going to shit. It was just a job. There's more to life than that. I have friends. I have a good mind. I have a fairly healthy body. I'm not addicted to any lethal substances. Fortunately enough, I'm not even an alcoholic, though I enjoy a beer every now and then on the weekend. I am not a character in Requiem for a Dream.

Or am I?

No, I am not. My mind, though moody and sometimes highly emotional, is sound. I am rational. I also have big dreams and big ideas. Maybe too big, but they are there nonetheless.

How is it that the world can feel like such a cold, depressing place when one is out of work?

Am I repeating myself? Sorry.

I went to my interview with the Sierra Club at 17:00, as scheduled. I guess it could be called that. I had a resume all prepared to give to them. After a brief mixup regarding the building, I found the correct office.

Well, unbeknownst to me beforehand, I wasn't the only one scheduled to be interviewed at this timeslot. It turned out that this was more like a mass recruitment session. They handed everyone an application to fill out. (So much for my resume.) Obviously, it was targeted at students, though technically anyone could apply.

After giving everyone a few minutes to fill out the application, the interviewer, a girl who looked like she was probably in college herself, gave us an empassioned speech about the Sierra Club's mission, methods, current issues, and general sort of pep talk....

The job itself would involve going door to door to tell people about the issues (currently the Bush administration's proposal to scale back clean air law), encourage them to call representatives, and sign them up for memberships. (Which would involve donations.) The exact amount each person makes depends on the number of memberships donations collected. That is how an activist orginazition such as this sustains itself and its workers.

After the speech, she gave us a few more minutes to finish filling out the applications, and started taking people one at a time to talk individually. As I waited my turn, I finished the application's last question. It asked to write about what the world's biggest problems are. So I did. I wrote a nice little screed which mentioned the trouble of overwhelming power of multinational corporations, the DMCA, the US Patriot Act, Censorship, and pretty much anything I could think of.

I also took some time to peruse their literature, posters, and notices on the wall.

When my turn came, we walked into the room, and sat down. She basically asked a couple of very general questions, and waited for me to speak.

Without really meaning to, I blurted out words with a sort of honesty I hadn't planned on at all. "I've been unemployed for a month. I saw your ad in the paper, and decided to come down here to see what it was about. But now, I don't think I'm the right candidate for this. I like a lot of what you guys are doing, and I consider myself a sympathizer, but I don't feel strongly enough about it to be comfortable trying to convince other people. There are some issues which I do feel strongly about, but they are not the same issues you advocate."

Well, after I made that statement, there wasn't really much else to say. I had done a pretty good job of summarily removing myself from the race. Did I detect a trace of disappointment in her face? "I respect that. Thank you for coming in."

That was that. I returned to Tobias, wondering where to go next.

5 or 10 years ago, I would have been with Rush Limbaugh in calling these people "environmental wackos." Time, experience, and observation has tempered my views.

There are corporations which willingly rape and pillage the natural world of the Internet. I have seen this first hand. Knowing this, it becomes much easier to believe that these same corporations would conduct similar atrocities against the natural world of the earth, and have been doing so for far longer than the Internet has existed.

Hmmm... I debate whether it's a good idea to share this next portion, because it might sound a little "out there" to some people... What the hell. I'll write my observations.

A few weeks ago, during my mental "insanity" weekend trip, I felt the pain of Mother Earth. I walked outside for several blocks in my bare feet, because the crappy slave labor shoes I had bought 4 months ago were already worn out, full of holes, and barely wearable. I walked on the sidewalks and streets in the hot sun, and I realized on a personal level that what I had read weeks before was true in some way.

When the vast majority of a countryside gets paved over with asphalt, it hurts the planet. It cuts large sections of the earth off from the plant life which sustains it, rendering the surface lifeless. Sure, we allow isolated and confined areas where grass and trees are allowed to grow in the city, but the wide open natural beauty is gone. Like a deer in a cage is still alive, but not roaming the free and open meadows, we cage the plants when we surround them with cement.

We shut ourselves into closed buildings, where we pump the heat out, and keep the cool air in. This makes us feel better in the short term, but further isolates us from the life-giving renewal of the earth. I theorized -- no, I knew -- that the drought and forest fires were not without cause. They were a direct response to humanity's abuse of the land in the state of Colorado. The Earth was screaming, and nobody was listening. Instead, they just turned up the volume on their headphones.

On that day, I found a patch of grass, and embraced the Earth, crying for Her pain, begging Her to forgive my species, if only we would listen to Her wisdom again.

But like most of my kind, I was weak. A creature of habit. After laying for a few minutes in the dry grass, I returned to my apartment, turned on the air conditioner, pulled up the covers, and tried to sleep in the artificially constructed environment of my bedroom.

...

Damn, why couldn't I have said that while I was at the Sierra Club today? But no, I had to mumble about how their causes weren't my causes. Right.

Oh, but I'm "sane" now. I'm not going to sit and make up unscientific gobbledygook about the screaming trees and the poor caged plants.

Well... truthfully, I think I did the right thing today. Just like I told the Sierra Club person, I like some of what they're doing, but I'm not ready to be a part of it. (And the other thing which I didn't really say. I hate going door-to-door with anything. Even if it were a job which involved talking about the nastiness of the DMCA, if it involved on knocking on strangers' doors, I would have to balk. Yuck.)

After that, I tentatively wandered over to the Club Onyx district, since I wasn't too far from there anyway. Stopped by an ATM, and got a $20. As my bank balance grows ever smaller, the significance of withdrawing $20 increases by orders of magnitude.

The club wouldn't be open for several hours, but I thought I might go to their barbecue. Well... turns out they weren't open for that either. At least not nearly as early anymore. I guess it was just a summer event, and not many people showed up even then.

So I aimlessly wandered the surrounding streets on foot, thinking about life, hoping I don't end up like one of the bums this winter.

Last night, I saw a homeless man standing on the corner when I got off the freeway on my way to BLUG. He was holding a sign, which said, simply enough, that he was homeless. I rolled down my window as I waited at the stop light. I wasn't going to give him money, since I'm so poor now, but I was curious.

I asked him how long he had been homeless.

"Two months." He was obviously sober, cogent, and appeared to be of reasonable intelligence. "I lost my place two months ago after I lost my job."

"What kind of work did you do before?"

"I was a sales person. Sold cell phones and telecommunications devices."

No kidding. I saw a possible future flashing before my eyes, and I didn't like it. Another fallout of the tech industry. I wished him good luck, and drove on to BLUG.

I think about my future. Not just short term, but long term. What career do I want to pursue? Where do I want to go?

Last weekend, Jaeger and Kiesa both offered possible ideas. Kiesa suggested that I might try to find a job at a library, which I must admit I haven't attempted yet. She theorized that a library would be a nice place to work. Based on my experience with libraries, I can't really disagree. Libraries are cool places.

Jaeger suggested that at some point in the future, it might be beneficial to complete my degree in computer science. He assured me that many schools have a cirriculum much better than the drivel we both found at ucollege.edu, and the classes at some places might actually teach some concepts which aren't already obvious to anyone who's read a few books about programming.

After further pondering, I think I might like to go back to school at some point, but I am not at all certain that I would want my major to remain computer science. That's all on the distanct horizon right now anyway.

After walking around for a while, I decided that I really wasn't in the mood to dance or go clubbing. I just felt so... hopeless. Too much worry.

With a bit of hesitation, I decided to eat a burrito at chipotle. $5. Shouldn't be spending it, but did. The burrito tasted good. I hadn't eaten all afternoon.

I walked back to the car and drove home.

I want to keep a positive attitude. I figure if I can just find a job, things will be ok.

I think I'm a broken record.

"No, things will NOT be ok. Things will NEVER be ok. Life will always be full of crap. becaues that's the way it is. If it's not one thing, it's another."

I"m tired. I've been typing too long. And even though I know there are people who read it, this just feels like I'm spouting all my nonsense into a big black void. It does no good. Looking for jobs doesn't do me any good, because nobody wants to hire me. Sitting at home doesn't do any good either.

PLEASE, how can I turn this into a positive vibe? Should I listen to my old Alanis cds again for the Nth time this week? That only goes so far.

Mabye I should just sell off all my stuff, move out of my apartment, sell my car too to pay off the debt, and live on the street. At least then I wouldn't have to worry about getting a pile of bills I can't pay. Grrrr.... Don't like that option either.

Sometimes, it does feel impossible. Like the game is rigged to screw a certain number of people. The currency supply is controlled and manipulated by the fed, so there's always goind to be somebody who ends up without enough. And now my number is up? No. I refuse to accept that.

There's got to be a way. But typing more blather isn't going to help me find it right now. I don't know what is. This rambling is over. And out.