I know there are people who keep checking in to see if I have posted something. I can see the hits in my logs. (You know you're unemployed too long when you regognize IP addresses and/or user agents as they tail by in the apache log files, and think, "Ah. That must be so-and-so. And there's the unknown person who also visited yesterday.") Frankly, I just haven't felt very inspired to write for the past couple days.

Sometimes, life sucks. I wanted to have a job this week. (That's in addition to the part time buildmeasite side work.) I had planned to. Last week, finding a job was my goal. It didn't happen.

It doesn't help that I'm in the middle of fighting what might be termed as deep clinical depression. The past couple days have just been.... well... they passed. I thought about going out -- there's all sorts of stuff happening around town during the holiday weekend -- but I decided against it, because pretty much anywhere I go, there's going to be temptation to spend at least some money. I can't be doing that right now. F*$k it.

Well... I guess I'm managing alright, considering. Lots of randomly occurring thoughts along the lines of, "I wish death would come, because it would sure beat this life." But nothing truly suicidal.

Is it a good idea for me to post these thoughts publicly? It probably does nothing but needlessly freak people out. I mean, I know that I feel like shit, and that I will get over it. But to someone who doesn't understand, they might think, "Oh no. He's losing it, and he's going to do something dangerous."

Listening to Praga Kahn. Track 4 from the demo disc that came with my Lords of Acid cd. (I bought it nearly a month ago. What an eternity!)

Complete lyric. (People who have managed to get the authentication tokens probably wouldn't have too much trouble finding the ogg file, if they really want it. But consumer research has shown that users are unlikely to click on a link unless they are looking for a specific piece of material to download.)

I managed to get myself re-addicted to Kohan this weekend. That can become a time suck, if ever there was one.

As for worries, I have been full of them. It's useless to simply spend time worrying. I know this, but I can't help it. What am I going to do? Where am I going to work? What about the rent next month? My work on buildmeasite.com should be able to cover it, but that work is only on a temporary basis. Unless something miraculous happens, I'm soon going to need to move to a place I can better afford. More worries.

So I sit and spin my mental wheels, worrying about what is going to happen with it all. I hate being in such a state. When those thoughts reach a certain threshold, I start to wish that I could just die, rather than contend with it all.

But I'm stronger than that. Gloomy as some aspects may seem at the moment, there's still much to appreciate in life. I try to focus on that.

Time to try to sleep again. I may need to dose up in order to lose consciousness. So be it. And awake in the morning.

My goals this week remain the same: Find a job. Continue with buildmeasite work. Survive.

Over and out.