What is it with me these days? It seems like I can never really be asleep, nor really be awake. I just sort of drift around in a daze, often too tired to concentrate when I'm awake, but when I lie down to sleep, I just lie there awake. Grrrrrr! Maybe more drugs are required. Or... something.

I hit what must be a major depressive streak a little earlier, like 15 minutes ago. Borderline self-mutilation is not cool. Ok, so I didn't actually do any significant self-damage, but... shit, I felt like it. When one starts mindlessly hitting oneself on the head to the point where pain begins, it's just... well, not cool. Not cool at all. Gotta resist. Bring back the calm.

Yeah, yeah. I should seek professional help. Maybe I will when I get a job that includes those sorts of benefits again. No guarantees.

Ironically, it seems to be stress over this whole "job" thing that's getting me irritated to the point of lunacy. I was just reading the Denver want ads before bed, and it seems like for every job that truly benefits somebody, there are so many mindless, worthless, dumb jobs out there which serve no apparent purpose, that amount to little more than pushing paperwork around.

I guess there's just this thought that enters my head: "If I don't get something very, very soon, I'm screwed."

I think back to all the places I've tried applying over the past few weeks, where they said there were positions open. They said they'd call me back if they wanted me. They didn't call. Why? I may never know.

So then it leads down this trail of semi-logic, and wild guessing, which is totally not cool.

What is it about me that makes me so apparently worthless? Did I not look right? Did I not have enough experience? Did I have too much experience? Did I ask for too much in the way of wages on applications which prompted for it? (I calculated what it would take for me to live on at subsistence, and used that as a baseline.) What motivated them to tell this lie, when they said they wanted to hire somebody?

Or maybe there's just something inherently wrong with me. Maybe I'm worthless to society. Maybe everybody would just be happier of I would just walk into the forest and disappear, and never bother any of them again. Better yet, put an end to my own life. Then they would never have to read over my stupid job applications, which they obviously aren't interested in anyway.

Bitterness and negativity are not conducive to success. Therefore, I must find a way to deal with mine. Somehow.

I know there are people out there who are my friends. Never has there been more evidence of that than during the past month and a half. Unfortunately, there is really very little any of them can do to help, either with my job situation, or with my bouts of mental yuckiness.

Well, actually there is one person who has at least helped directly in the job department, and has offered try to help further if I can throw a resume together. For that I am greatful, and I must not let him down. Buildmeasite will have an awesome web site builder, and functioning backend for version 2. Of that, I will make sure.

After lying in bed for who knows how long, I finally decided that sleep was hopeless, and wandered to the kitchen to grab a snack. (Another bad health habit I seem to hake picked up these days. What's one to do?) I had a thought that really started making me laugh. It's not really funny at all, but I still find myself laughing.

What if I were to find the job situation so hopeless, that I found myself turning to prostitution? (Putting aside, for a moment, whether there's actually any demand for.... someone like me.) Just what if? Wouldn't that just be so fucking hilarious, in a literary, poetic justice sort of way?

"And on the next episode... Bitscape sucks dick for money! And pussy too. Whatever your preference may be. He'll take it, or he'll give it, any way you like." Oh yeah! I think I've found my new calling in life.

Ok, like I said, not really funny. But I'm laughing. Put up the foot icon, please.

Hmmmm... Maybe next time I'm at the club, if I see what's-his-face again, I should ask him hypothetically speaking, how much he thinks I'd be worth. lol.

"Well, that all depends. Are you willing to swallow, and in what quantities?"

Ok, ok. Now we're getting into the make-me-puke territory. I can only imagine how some of my poor conservative readers might be reacting.

Good old Garbage. I think Shirley Manson knows a little something about the art of self-mutilation. Much more than I. At least she got help, after putting out two multiplatinum albums.

Please do. My soul is ready to be broken again. And again. And again.

There are days when life is simply too long. There are days when life is too short.

.... I imagne a 1000 ton hammer, falling from the sky to crush my skull against the cement, putting it out of its miserable and brief reign. The mind ceases to be. And only then it finds what the God Callisto sought from Hope: The emptyness of Oblivion. The end of it all. But the mind does not know that it gained what it sought for so long, because it is gone, never to return....

..... Until the fires of Hell have burned her, and the Archangel Michael and his band of Holy Angels from Heaven descend upon the lower realms....

Wait a second. Too many old Xena episodes are floating around in this brain. Way too many.

This is becoming incoherent. That's what writing content at 2am will get you. :)

Well, it sure beats lying awake in bed thinking about what a shit I am.

Maybe I'll lie back and listen to Drizzt's disc again. That had some majorly smooth stuff on it. Yes, I think I will.

Well, for what it's worth, I found Jaeger's latest content entertaining. I too will plan to be at BLUG tomorrow night. I might even show up at the Dark Horse for the meal before, although... my budget might not like that. Hmmmm... maybe I'll go anyway. Well... we'll see.

Maybe I'll eat food before going to the Dark Horse, and just have a beer there. That wouldn't cost as much. (Oh, great. That's just what this fucked up zone-head needs. Alcohol. Pptt.)

I dunno. I just need to get a decent job so I don't have to worry about whether I can afford a burger or not. Hate that. Having to worry all the time. There's got to be a better way to live.

Anyway... something will happen. That is the one certainty. As long as there is life, something will happen.

Now, it's just gonna be me and the music, for the rest of the night. All bad thoughts will be consumed and swept away. Yes, this is what I want to have happen. This is what will happen.

I think I'll even light a candle for myself again. Call it a spell if you like. A spell for my well being in the present. The future will bring what it wills. Yes. That's my mantra.

End. Over and out.