Alright, I had a nice several paragraph rambling partially typed -- over the course of the past two+ hours. In it, I said what amounted to very little. I may or may not post the text of it. Haven't decided yet. If I have so little to say, what have I started up a second rambling? lol.

These days, I just feel so... uninspired. Not only in the ramblings department, but life in general. I could get up and straighten my room, but what's the point? I could redesign my site again. I could implement the half-baked features that I've had in mind since almost the dawn of time. I could integrate Jaeger's collective patch submitted several weeks ago. I could go out and watch one of the early crop of cheesy/sappy/crappy summer movies. But I have done none of the above. The degree to which my mind, body, and spirit have regressed into lethargy approaches the unbearable.

[Bitscape terminates the other rambling, as it is clearly no longer going anywhere.]

This odd paralysis has crept up upon me. I know I have been feeling it for several weeks. Perhaps even a month or more. I cannot pinpoint an exact moment or event at which it began. A general overall feeling of not really caring about anything, anyone, or any goal in particular. Just coasting along on the beaten path from one moment to the next, one day to the next, another week, another month. Passing thoughts of "Wow, wouldn't if be great if..." usually fade before any cohesive plan can be thought through, much less an actual implementation constructed.

Note that this paralysis has not been so complete as to disable my life completely. Hardly so. I am perfectly able (if not terribly excited) to wake up in the morning, go to work, get my job done with competence, come home, surf the web, play a video game, watch a DVD or tv show, and sleep. Rinse and repeat.

More than anything, the energy and initiative of others propels me along. That's how I get stuff done at work. Not so much a fear thing, really. It's not like I'm quaking in my boots going, "Oh if I don't get this done, boss is gonna be mad." No, that's not what it's like. More like, "Well, I personally wouldn't really give a fuck about what I'm doing, but seeing these other people so interested and excited about the project makes me want to do a good job." Besides, an intellectual challenge can have its merits. But the enthusiasim and drive are ultimately not my own, and I know it.

Last therapy session, I tried describing my internal perpetual non-eventfulness to my theripist. He said it sounded like I needed an adventure. "The great American road trip." Made some good suggestions about opening myself up to the world. Maybe getting into some organizations. Suggested that since I've already been to the Shambhala center a few times and reported positive experiences, maybe try taking that a step further and take a "Level 1" on a free weekend. Also suggested out a few particular books I might read regarding my situation.

Here's the deal: While all of this sounded great, since then, my apathy has been so great that I have taken zero action regarding any of it. Even at this moment, I'm not particularly worried or concerned about it because I just DON'T CARE. I can't make myself care.

Going into these sorts of spells for a protracted period of time is not a new experience. Quite familiar, actually. It has been this way during many periods of my life. When other people manage get close enough to me to see it, I become an utterly exasperating person to deal with. I know that both of my parents know this. I believe that The Emailist Formerly (etc etc) got several tastes, which contributed to the rift. Let's face it: There's nothing less fun to be around than a person who, as much as he might like to, cannot force himself to be interested in anything long enough to get out of his chair and DO SOMETHING.

Over the course of life, I have learned by intuition that most people do not take much of a liking to someone who finds himself unable to care about much of anything. So, during these periods of inner dullness, I fake it. Mask my fundamental apathy for life. There is a dishonesty in that which I loathe, but it has become such an intrinsic part of my habitual behavior that I do so without thinking. Not easy to change, even if I cared enough to want to.

But even though at any given moment during such a spell, all I can feel is.... nothing -- a blank, unsustained hollowness -- there are true feelings, emotions, and convictions in a deeper realm of the soul. A mounting frustration. Angst. A burning wish to propel myself out of these swamps, and into a place where I can (and want to) flex my muscles. Eventually, something does happen.

The frustration grows, leading to desperation. Deep inside, when it gets bad enough, something cracks in one of two ways: (a) I manage to so completely incapacitate myself that even the most basic day-to-day functions of living cease to operate, or (b) I manage to create such a colossal train wreck of my life that I becoem shocked into caring again. Oh, and then there's the most frequent: (c) a combination of a and b.

Right now, it's not to that point. In fact, I think that right now I'm overplaying the whole thing, but that's simply because at other times, I underplay it a lot.

And right now, I am feeling incredibly tired. So I think I'll clear enough space to just put the bed back on the floor, and let my eyelids close. They need it.

Preparing shutdown...