Yes, this could be one of my "darker" ones, so if that shit depresses you as much as it does me, this might not be the most uplifting thing. OTOH, I did say could for a reason. Maybe it'll be light and fun. With ramblings, you never know for certain.

These past couple of days, for no practical reason whatsoever, have been rather daunting for me. No practical reason whatsoever. At work, I've been finding it difficult in the extreme to focus on tasks at hand. On multiple occassions, I've caught myself staring off into empty space, mind utterly blank. Then I'll jump back. "Now what the hell was I working on?" Concentration and attention span so utterly short that just finishing minor things requires every ounce of mental energy. Then it all falls apart again.

Moments when I must fight to keep myself from bursting into tears. No provocation or rationality behind any of it. I know this. Even while it happens. Still, the gushes come pouring forth, and then, in a random flash, all mental activity just dries up. I may try to make up ideas -- rationalize what's going on, but in honesty, I know that these things cannot be expressed in words. It's a pre-linguistic aching of the soul.

Upon human contact, this unexplainable inner pain mostly dissolves, or at least is forgotten about for a little while. Today, a few coworkers -- F, G, and P -- and I took an extended lunch. ("Extended" being defined in this case as arriving back at the office slightly less than 2 hours after leaving.) Went down to the new mall, ended up having to park at the opposite end, and ate at the California Pizza Kitchen. That was a Good Thing. Besides the delicious food, it's cool to just kind of hang out and talk about whatever random things there are. There's a new Wheel of Time book out now, which P (for those with short memories, that's also Zan Lynx) claims is good. Better than Path of Daggers.

Inevitably, lunch ended, and it was back to the company of the cold, stale monitor. Normally, that's not a problem, but on days like today, sitting for hours on end, while my bones feel like they're going to fossilize in place and my lungs.... There were a couple times when I needed to consciously stop myself from hyperventilating. Like before, no reason or point to it. Just the struggle to keep the mind on track.

At various random times, I think my subconscious decided to have a little fun by replaying various tunes at full imaginary volume, Ally McBeal style. Sometimes Tori Amos.

Other times, semi-half-remembered "melodies" from the Rev's latest. And of course, Beethoven's 6th. (I can't imagine why! :)

I think the one time during the entire afternoon in which I smiled. Almost giggled, in fact. A certain Press Release. Now THAT's entertainment. (And unlike the press releases of a certain company at which I might or might not be employed, this one was not apostrophe impaired.)

Thanksgiving break coming up after tomorrow. This bears mixed omens. On the one hand, I'm thinking this is a very good thing, because in case you couldn't already tell, I think I majorly need a break from the cube life. But on the downside, four days of.... some time with the family, along with the inevitable blocks of just me, myself, and... my screwy brain. Sometimes, time alone can be good. When I'm like this though, the thought of repeating today's cube experience in my room for four days ad nauseum doesn't hold a strong appeal. Must find ways to keep the mind occupied. Books. DVDs. Web programming (assuming sufficient focus can be achieved). Anything to keep from going into insepid "thinking" loops. Those are to be avoided at all costs. Trust me. I know.

Well, I think I'll go eat supper. Maybe watch a vampire show or two. How was that for dark? If it ain't your cup of tea, surf somewhere else.