A small one, but it seems significant enough, at least in some strange regard, to put here. Well, my late night judgement might be somewhat impaired, but I've also found that late nights also have the greatest likelihood for insight, which can easily be forgotten when one sinks into the depths of sleep. Or maybe the profundity is just an illusion. Anyhow, here it is. To be recorded, before being lost in the sea of day-to-day thoughts that tomorrow may bring.

I was reading out of M. Scott Peck's book "The Road Less Traveled" (another one that made it into my queue a while back, although I don't think I mentioned it here). The second section, about love. Some fascinating stuff, and I think it may have kept me up a bit longer than I ought to be. (Scratch that. When the eyes are drooping to the point that it becomes painful to hold them open, I know I'm up too late.)

And, uh.... What was that supposed insight? Oh yes. Well, after reading until my head was practically ready to drop involuntarily, I finally turned the light out, rested upon the pillow, and although the eyes closed, the thoughts were churning still. And I loved you still. Churned you still. Bah. That was random. Anyway...

Somehow, my thoughts drifted to the topic of a once-addicted-to heavy pastime of mine: Subtext-heavy Xena fanfic. (I can feel the readers' eyes rolling already.) I began to analyze the Xena/Gabrielle relationship through the frame of what I had just read. Is theirs the genuine love, or the illusion of "falling in love", as described and defined by Peck?

Well, hmmm. To narrow it down a bit, and make things easier, I decided to specifically use the relationship as portrayed in the Melissa Good novels, since she is one of my favorite authors, and perhaps the most prolific. Otherwise, inconsistencies between different writers' ideas and interpretations could make things hairy. (And don't even think about using the show itself as an authoritative reference: Not only do they keep everything intentionally ambiguous, but sometimes even the same writers will fluxuate wildly on their portrayals within different episodes or seasons.)

So, getting on with the point. Well, I tried to take the Melissa Good portrayals, and ask questions based on Peck's writing. Did Xena and Gabrielle "extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth?" Hmmmm, curious.

Did they experience the breakdown of the ego boundries? Well, let's think back. (If we can actually remember that far.) Had they "stopped progressing, having given up the effort to improve themselves as human beings?" Was there dependency involved? What about cathexis?

Ok, now I'm sure at this point that any reader who didn't drift in from the Nutforum crowd (unlikely to be many of those here these days, since I haven't posted there in months) is going to think me a kook for even pondering such a subject. "You're taking that stuff waaaaay to seriously!"

Well I'll say right now: I'm probably laughing almost as maniacally, and thinking the same thing. Bitscape reads a psychology book, and what's the first thing it inspires that pops into his mind? Xena, of course! lol.

But hey, I'm a web content author. Shit this good doesn't come along every day. So when I've got it, I go with it! The fools be damned. Haha!

Well, dependency.... Not seeing too much of that in the Missy Good novels. Maybe some of the psychological variety. But at least as far as the day-to-day physical aspects are concerned, the bard and the warrior are probably one of the healthiest around when it comes to each taking care of themselves. (And fostering independence in each other.)

Well, as far as the "falling in love illusion" part of it: In the Merwolf novels (I've linked there in the past, but I figure a refresher is in order), it seems to happen on a recurring basis. Temporary obstacles creep up, but inevitably, everything regresses back into the "all problems are insurmountable, top of the world, we're perfect" thing. In fact, reading it requires heavy suspension of disbelief. Anything that's NOT a falling in love state is a temporary condition. The opposite of life according to Peck.

Since I stopped at the "Cathexis Without Love" section, I can't really comment on it or sections beyond. If I'm to guess, I'm having the feeling scrolls and chakrams might enter into the equation. We'll have to wait and see.

Newsflash! We still haven't gotten to the mighty epiphiny. Coming up next.

After thinking about this for a few minutes, I thought: "Why the hell am I thinking about this? I read a book about all these profound concepts, and the first thing that pops into my mind afterwards is not only a set of fictional characters, but a pair of female lesbians no less. I am a male. I am heterosexual. What is wrong with this picture?" rotfl.

Of course, the natural follow-up would be: Why would I even be, or have been, a subtext fanfic reader? A voracious one. I pondered this for a few minutes, which prompted me to ask questions about why I find lesbianism so... cool. (I mean, come on. Not just talking about Xena/Gab here. "Bound" rocked. Melissa Etheridge, of what I've heard of her, has some damn good music. The Ling/Ally kiss was one television's most memorable moments. I won't even start into a certain DS9 episode about which a friend made a spookily prophetic statement prior to its airing.)

Speaking from a purely logical standpoint, I should dislike the concept. After all, in theory, its existence lowers the number of fish in the sea who are available to me. (This theory, however, is highly flawed, for reasons I may expound upon at some later date.) But even disregarding that, why? Why? Makes no sense.

Well, here's the epiphany, or at least the beginning of it. I still haven't sorted the details, and all the subsequent "Why's" regarding it just yet. To me, lesbianism has always seemed like a "purer" form of love. Or perhaps I should know better than to use that term now. How about: A "purer" form of sexuality. Why is this? And here we come to it. (This time honest, I swear!)

Compare and contrast my reactions to a lesbian couple with that of a heterosexual couple.

Lesbian couple: No guilt. Not that guilt doesn't ever occur, but there is none inherent as a component in the relationship, or at least my reaction to it.

Heterosexual couple: Always, always guilt. In my mind, at least. I mean, even observing it onscreen. Even if it's not present in the subject matter, I experience it. It doesn't matter who, how, or where. Inevitably, whenever I see a man and a woman engaging in intimacy, onscreen or off, there is guilt. Ultimately, it always also comes down to residing on the male half. Guilt. Almost analagous to the Dark One's taint on the saidin.

Why is this? Is there something fucked up with my perceptions? It doesn't really make sense, but it is. But somehow, when two women get together, this psychological nastiness is averted. Very wierd.

Of course, this epiphany only becomes a launching point for a plethora of other questions regarding everything from.... well, lots of shit. Right now though, I'll call it sufficient to document what I have documented. And go to bed. I've got WORK in the morning, dammit.

That's all.