3/14/96
I've got a new problem. I have so many ideas and thoughts on what to write that I couldn't possibly write them all down. I don't know what direction to take my thoughts in. There are parts of me that want to write an interactive story about Madonna, other parts that want to do more analasys of her politics, and of course, I still want to write about my own love interest in her. What do I choose?
It's like being in a candy store, where my thoughts are the candy. Which ones to I want to explore, think about, and express? I'm not sure. The concrete? The delusional? There's also a part of me that wants to write more propaganda to confuse people, as I have been doing a lot of recently. What's the best? I look into my heart, and I can find anything.
I think I might have to consider my audience before I can make this decision. While the singular statement of purpose is to get Madonna to read this page, I find that I have many other purposes as well. I want to draw an audience. I want to get her to see it. I want the populous to see it. I want the elected officials to see it. Who do I pander to?
It's a toughy. I could pander to any of these groups and feel good about myself for having reached somebody. It's like, having this page open for the public has, you know, given me a whole new sense of power. I can't use it all to do nothing but lure Madonna. It's bigger than that. Putting all my thoughts and writing into that one interest would be wasteful. I still have some sexual feelings that I'd like to express. (NO. I've got a LOT of sexual feelings to express. It's just that there's only so much original work to put into a web page before becoming monotonously repetitious.)
Due to all these energies, I might stop writing altogether for a while. (I know. I've said that a zillion times before, and everytime I find myself writing again within a day or two.) I want to supress them all to see which ones come out the strongest. If I try to hold my feelings and thoughts in, they'll still come out. Human emotions and thoughts like these cannot be supressed forever. By supressing them, I will weed out the ones that are weak. It's sad to think that some of my thoughts will dwindle and die. It is a necessity, however. Otherwise, my mind would become so overgrown as to be unmanagable, and I'd have a breakdown. (This has happened to me in the past.) I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything. My page would go unmaintained while I sorted out all the accumulated stuff my brain would have generated, and it would turn me into a mental vegetable for a while.
So, it's now time to rethink everything yet again. This constant redirection of purpose becomes tiresome after a while. Oh well, it's part of my evolution.
There's another thing I'd like to say. I think the audience needs time to absorb what I've written already. It's a huge dose. These writings have been accumulating for over a month, and they've been on the web for only just over 48 hours now. I need to give the people time to catch up to me mentally. If I keep adding stuff relentlessly, they'll get too much, become sick of my page, and feel that they have no hope of seeing everything I've written because it will always be expanding. That's not a good way to go. What a mental conflict!
Well, now that I've given another sample of my thoughts, I think I'll upload this and go take a walk. I know that when I come back, I'll have more thoughts to share, but I might not upload them here. Maybe I'll start rambling my junk to the newsgroups. Let my web page have a little rest. I don't know. Well, if you find yourself reading this article having read everything else on the page, and there's nothing more here, but you want more, go back to the beginning and read it again. It's all a complete waste of time anyway. Or if you've skipped to this article and you're sick of this already, jump to my links to other pages and explore the rest of the universe. Oh, and you might want to get out of your chair and stretch a minute. Maybe if you're really brave, you could take a walk outside and look at the sky. Just another idea in an endless stream.