Yesterday, I got semi-ambitious and started making phone calls.

First, I finally got around to calling the person whose number I had been given for more information about Lincoln's community gardens. She was able to give me another phone number and email address of the individual who directs the project. In the process, I also found out that they have a website.

I made one attempt to call the person who directs that, but got an answering machine. Further attempts have not been made since. (Tomorrow, if I feel ambitious about it, I shall make another attempt.)

I also got in touch with the CUUPS person, who was able to give me information about their meeting times, as well as another Neopagan group that also meets at the Unitarian Church, but is not directly affiliated with it.

Both groups meet on Sunday evenings. Which Sunday is literally determined by the phase of the moon. One day meets on whatever Sunday is closest to the Full Moon, the other on the Sunday closest to the New Moon.

It just so happens that this Sunday, one such meeting shall occur. However, given that these meetings start before I'm scheduled to get off work, my prospects for attending are somewhat dubious. I might be able to get off early, but given that I've already had my Sunday schedule trimmed by a couple hours on the other end...

I'm not even sure these groups are really for me. Uncertainty abounds.

Again this week, after volunteering at Open Harvest (and then buying a fairly inordinate quantity of food -- too much to fit in my backpack, so I hung one bag from the handlebars), I proceeded to the church for potluck and class. Having not cooked anything, I contributed store-bought chips and salsa. For next week's "big" finalé potluck, I intend to actually try some real cooking for my contribution.

(For those wondering about the situation with "T" referred to last week, nothing panned out this time. She had to work until later, so it was a non-issue.)

Tonight's class consisted mainly of learning about the history of the Unitarian Universalist church in general, as well as the specific history of the one here in Lincoln. Also, information about the various committees and other random stuff.

Again, I find myself with doubts. Do I have anything at all in common with these people? On paper, in terms of the stated philosophy shared by Unitarians, a definite Yes. But in terms of where I am in my life, my spiritual struggles, my dilemmas, my lifestyle? I'm having trouble seeing it.

Part of it goes back to the demographic question, as raised by Yanthor last Sunday. But it's not just age. At potluck tonight, I shared a table with 5 females, most of them housewives, a few professionally employed, and I feel pretty safe saying that all but one of them were significantly older than me. Nice people, certainly. But did we really have anything to talk about together other than, "Mmm, these cookies are good."

(And even then, though I could agree that the cookies tasted good, I shuddered to think at the probable trans fatty acid content. Out of politeness, I didn't say anything.)

That's not to say there weren't any males at the meeting, although they did seem to be a minority by quite a margin. But again, of the males who were there, I think they all had at least one of the following properties: (1) twice my age, (2) married.

So anyway, even though there's some theoretical common ground, I guess you could say I felt a little out of my element. Maybe I'll limit my involvement in the church to just showing up on Sundays, so long as I continue to find the sermons and music worthwhile. (Though I still intend to complete this class by attending the potluck next week.)

It's also possible that I'm overstating the differences; maybe if I got to know some of these people better, we might find more to be shared.

There is another difference I've noted, even among people there who seem to be close to my age. It's difficult to describe precisely. I'll tentatively term it "the active pursuit of the bourgeois lifestyle."

Though I won't deny that there's still plenty of bourgeois conditioning left in me, I like to think that little by little, I'm finding ways to free my mind from those chains. Or at least I want to. Among others at the church, I saw no evidence of similar intent. (Again, I could contrast that with many of the lifestyle anarchists I've run into. Or even T at Open Harvest, when she muses and makes plans about running off to a strange city. The spirit of desire for freedom. It may be difficult to describe in exact terms, but I think I know it when I see it.)

Maybe I'm being judgemental / premature here. I wish I could find a way to express this without having it come out so negative sounding. Maybe it's because everywhere I go, I keep looking for people who I think might be able to share and relate to the same struggles I go through. When that does not appear to be the case, I shut down and keep walking, rather than opening up and sharing anyway. This because I don't want to be looked at strangely or thought of as a nutcase.

Regarding gnosticism, one of the points Jeremy of fantastic planet (one of my favorite online sources for modern gnostic philosophy, though a several other good ones have also made my radar lately) has stressed repeatedly is that you cannot deny someone else's gnosis. If another person says they've experienced this divine knowledge, even if it seems silly or crazy to you, you are not in a position to recognize its validity. Therefore, you treat them as if they have.

How can I draw this into the previous topic? Perhaps by recognizing that we are all seekers -- Unitarians explicitly and consciously so -- and if I could attain just enough enlightenment to see beyond the external trappings of the materia, the basic sentience that inhabits all of us would be enough common ground to share. That would be a gnosis worth finding.