I am mentally ill, and I need help. I was planning on just cataloging my purchases, and having enough movies to enjoy for months to come. But the first one I tried was Harsh Realm, and it didn't work at all in Argo's player. Every disc in the set gives bad sector errors. Is the Music/Movie industry TRYING to do itself in?

Today was the day I decided that I have a weakness for this shit, so I'd go and try getting some good deals. Some awesome new dvd releases had come out, I had some credit lines available. Though employment prospects are not guaranteed, I figured I could afford to reward myself a little. (Gambling addiction? Yes.)

So now, I'm finding that instead of having a full batch of nice new additions to my dvd library, I'm making separate piles. Some piles are for movies that go back to certain stores. Others are the ones that work well (At least for now), and I will keep. I am embarrassed that the list is as long as it is, especially given my recently formed goals in life, but when I figured out what I figured out last night (and concluded that my theory was likely true, given the overwhelming volume of circumstantial evidence), I just got depressed, and... well.... Wanted Comfort.

Now, here's my comfort. One disc at a time. Does it work or does it not? Does the dvd player pop it back out immediately when I insert it? If so, the error to appear in /var/log/messages almost certainly says something along the lines of:

Aug 31 21:49:43 argo hdc: command error: error=0x50
Aug 31 21:49:43 argo end_request: I/O error, dev hdc, sector 1416
Aug 31 21:49:43 argo Buffer I/O error on device hdc, logical block 177

It will be a long time before I try to use the acquisition of more of these shiny round things for comfort again. The ones that I put in the "bad" pile will go back to the stores tomorrow, along with a sticky note containing a brief explanation of the problem. If the return is accepted by the chain store, then at least they will have a better chance to curry my favor in the future.

So much for seizing my role as consumer and building a bridge with the corporate ruling powers again. Some of them just want to alienate me. I can tell now. Why else would they release a box that says "Chris Carter's Harsh Realm" and then fill it with discs that have a bunch of bad sectors? (I have eliminated the possibility that my player is in error by testing it with other, older, more stable discs that still work.)

Also, Argo is running relatively recent versions of ogle and mplayer. Both pieces of software were compiled locally from sources retrieved from the gentoo repository. Need sleep before I go on...

Awake again. There are, without question, opiates in the air in this apartment tonight. I believe they are coming in through the air conditioner. I cannot prove this theory with certainty. All I can do is observe. I can tell my dad repeatedly that whenever the air conditioner is on, my head feels light and, well.... so high that I can barely stand it anymore. Even at night, when the temperature is fine this "air conditioner" seems to run non-step.

...

My dad just walked in at 10 at night, vibrant and awake, carrying the vaccuum as if this is a perfectly normal thing to do. I pleaded and begged him to turn OFF that so-called "air conditioner". Though he said he noticed no differences between the quality of the air "in here" versus "out there", when I said I noticed a dramatic diffference, he agreed to turn it off, and finally, to let the window be open. Now other strange smells are floating in from below.

I hate this city. I want out. Now I am become more and more positive that "Lisa" was just playing with me. Too many more like her, and I will eventually become a hardcore woman-hater. I don't like the thought of that happening, but it could. If she had wanted money in return for time spent with me, why didn't she just say so, for chrissake? I would have paid something. Maybe not what she was worth, but something.

Instead, all I get is ignored. That note I left her probably ended up forgotten in the bottom of her pocket, unopened. I should have been less subtle. I should have just walked up to her and said, "Hey Leeeese, come play with me now, or never see me again. And left her to either show me whether she really meant all those intense looks, or was just there for the purpose of psychological torture and mental mayhem.

OTOH, in my own sickly twisted puppy dog way, I still love her for what she is, and given the chance, would still walk on broken glass if it meant a chance to share a few experiences together. That's how good she is. I predict she'll end up a star in Hollywood, or on the arm of some head of state, or... if she really, really, really has that drive for freedom, she will find herself on the road, her own woman, willing and able to take on anything and anyone. Vigorously engaged with life.

But who am I kidding? If she were anything other than mean, vicious, and/or grossly forgetful, she could have at least sent me back a brief, polite indicator that she had no interest in my offer. At least that would have afforded me some small measure of closure. But she didn't even give me that much satisfaction.

Evil, evil, evil.

So.... here we go. I confess my sins. And now I know just how fucking lonely I really am. And Hollywood won't help me much anymore. But maybe they will a little. Maybe not all of these movies are bad. I need mental help. Badly. Save me. Save me. Save me. Onward!

Right. Back to cataloging. If I can handle it before the opium powder permeating the air takes over my entire brain. At least now, with the window open, some air can finally circulate through here. Until some guy starts trying to punch me again, that is.

I am not crazy. I just happen to have found myself in a world that seriously fucks with people's ability to cope. Every day, and on a very visceral level. If it becomes too much, and I find that I must soon leave this world through suicide, prison, or other means, then so be it.

If I were to just go on the road and drive and/or hitchhike, I suspect that after a time, that form of existence could also bring with it its own form of craziness. But at least then I wouldn't have to keep staying in this neighborhood. Or that other neighborhood where the fabricated rich neighbors are trying to crowd my mom out of her apartment. Or the scott house where x13 is priority #1, but it somehow ends up being the very last thing we get around to doing -- after watching some more tv, that is. (It's only the #1 priority whenever I'm trying to have a private moment to glance at yanthor.net or type a rambling. Such are the ways of things, and that's why I got out. That, and the excessive commute was too much. Too much.)

Am I impossible to please? Do I ask for too much out of life? Right now, I'm having trouble controlling the extreme visual distortions brought about by the opiate that still lingers in the air, now mixing with .... something else.... from the window below.

Is this going to be another night where I end up getting punched in the face again? I hate this place now, and I want out. So why did I just splurge on all these movies? Because when I realized that I was understanding the true nature of things, I found myself so damn desperate for any kind of comfort at all that I just couldn't bear it any longer. Though I had been studiously avoiding use of credit cards, even through the challenge of losing my driver's license, discipline faltered in the face of false illusion replaced by cold, harsh reality.

Now I'll drink water, and my body will purify itself of these toxins yet again. And again. And again. Please Goddess, if you exist and want me to remain in the service of the light, let this darkness pass, and let me sleep.

/me nods, accepts the judgement, and goes back to cataloging which discs will play, and which ones won't. But first, a brief trip to the car. ....

And More.

The more I see, the more I become convinced that I am not dreaming this out of thin air. The level of sophistication required for the ops that are being done around me (at both mom and dad's places) would suggest that if there is something amiss at work, the apartment management is probably also involved. Or at least getting a cut of the proceeds. This would make sense, given the city's funding problems, and lack of ability to pay its people anything resembling a decent wage.

The only real way this is ever going to get fixed is if more people start standing up and refusing to be played like this. So far, it appears, the "good people" are at least holding some ground. But if the depth of the corruption in this city is as deep as I sometimes guess, the debate about whether or not .... losing mind.... losing mind.... Coming back. Staying in the present. Here.

One question still occurrs: If I am proving to be such a major irritant in their eyes, why don't they just make an ofer to pay me off if I don't come around for a while?

Losing conscious. Fallin in cuche. Will return when it's all over.

..........

zz zz ..zz ...zz ...zzz .. [CLICK] woof ETUANSO

[Stuff happens during the sleep cycle. But... too tired to notice or do anything about it.]

[Light returns to the sky, which is now visible through the open window.]

I return to consciousness, and begin typing at: 06:32 am. Plus some seconds.

Yeah, I think there was some shit going down last night, but nothing serious. Just 3 or 4 idiots making idiots of themselves, and trying to put on a show for me, which I did my best to ignore.

Time index NOW: 06:33.

I slept for hour after hour on the couch, uninterrupted. But now, I can see that things are happening outside. This is good. This is what is supposed to happen.

The circle of life is returning, such as it is. But here is the part I think I'm supposed to forget: The thrown away... the discarded .... the injured .... the rejected ... the lonely ... the dying ... the gutter trash of society.... ALL of them are STILL out there, even if they have been moved around, been hidden from view, or had more WALLS and FENCES and GATES built up around them.

So.... Sometime soon, if I get really, really, really horny... I'm going to try another new experiement. A breakthrough in the world of dumpster diving that transcends all previously understood paradigms. Expanding beyond my world of local dumpsters, I may just go out and see what happens if I search some new dumpsters for...             human waste.

I mean wasted humans. I mean girls... sexy girls.... who are about to DIE. As they breathe what might be their final breath, under piles of trash somewhere east of colfax.

And as I pull her out on the dumpster, lay her seemingly lifeless body out on the ground, check the airway, the brainwave activity, and the heartbeat, and discovery that... yes, this one just might be salvagable.

And if one of them does survive, her debt to me shall be one: Hour after hour of casual, carefree, frivolous sex. She shall be my slave...

BUT....

Being the mad vampire that I am, I shall absolve her of her debt. I shall set her free into the world, where she may prey upon others, as I have preyed upon her. For I know that eventually, she shall return -- fulfilling her lawful role as my bitch -- and that one day, far in the fututer, she too shall gain enough strength and power to make others who suffer, suffer among rotting and lifeless of the city scum, into ever more predatory and evolved vampires, capable of living off ever more radioactive genetically engineered sustenance.

Though to some ears, it may sound vile, sick and wrong, in actuality, this is life living out its destiny. Let it be, and enjoy the horrific gore for all it is worth, for soon the world shall pass into a new age.

[Take a taste of that that, ANNIE rICE. Time index now: 6:49:38]

See? I'm starting to return to a more normal sleep cycle. Now, back to catalogueing.... I'll continue the list in another rambling...

Store: Best Buy at Sheridan and 92nd.

• Title: Gloria Estefan: Live and Unwrapped.
  Status: Bad.
  Results: ogle won't play it. mplayer won't play it. pile, in hopes an exchange can be sought. (If they refuse to give an exchange or refund, taking it up with the credit card company might be fun, even if it's just a stopid waste of time.)