Today seems as if it was designed to make me depressed and paralyzed, but I am refusing to let it demobilize me completely. The sky is solid grey, and the rain trickles down. Not just any rain, but the sort of rain that says, "Give up, collapse, and die. There is nothing left for you in this world." But I know this is a lie.
I sorted through a bunch of my possessions and threw away a bunch of trash this morning. There is still much to do, but it is a start.
I know I made some mistakes over the past few weeks when I temporarily lost my focus. (Specifically, my little "buying spree" comes to mind.) Because of this, in the near future, my life has been made somewhat more difficult; my burden heavier. There are tough decisions to make. At this point, I don't feel like saying much more on that subject.
...
And dammit, I shouldn't have said anything last week, for I fear I may have jinxed things. Sure enough, those assholes cut off ginmar's livejournal access. I had just started reading her a couple weeks ago. Does our government have any respect whatsoever for the troops it claims we should be supporting? Dammit, dammit, dammit.
...
I'm again procrastinating at getting back to confronting the pile of doom and gloom known as x13. It's a good thing my replacement(s) are apparently already being hired. Maybe they'll be better at handling the stress that seems to accompany this form of pseudo-employment than I've been.
...
I'm also contemplating whether it would be a good idea to apply for that corporate suck-up money job that got referred my way. This morning, I promised myself I would at least attempt to make contact and talk with them.
Wait a minute? Doesn't this contradict everything I've been claiming to aim for? Am I nuts?
Well, yeah, I am nuts. I'm also borderline broke. [/me fights to keep from slapping himself for the exercise in idiocy that took place roughly 3 weeks ago. Learn from mistakes, don't punish yourself for them.]
As fun as a super-long roadtrip may sound, a significant part of that fun tends to evaporate with the realization that in order to make it happen in the present, every mile would sink me a little deeper into debt, the monster I loathe. Yes, if I took a good 3-month road trip, found myself replinished and rejuvenated at the end, and then somehow managed to score some high paying programming work, the debt could probably be paid off relatively easily. But there is no guarantee that such a thing will happen, or that my brain will be in any better condition to confront complex software bugs than it is right now. So I can't bet much on that strategy.
I've also been realizing that there's a hell of a lot of things about this area that I love. Perhaps rather than a complete overhaul, I just need to make some slight tweaks to my life. Such as finding a job that pays a modest wage (enough to get out from under my parents' roof and carve out a little living space), doesn't make me crazy, lets me have something resembling a life, and doesn't add to the system of exploitation that continues to suck the life out of our world. (Yeah, I know that's a tall order. Impossible perhaps. Such are the times. But I can wish, right?) Anyway...
As of now, a trip of some kind is still planned. At the very least, it will entail attending the Megafest, which I wouldn't voluntarily miss under (almost) any circumstances. I'd also like to swing by and visit some of the people in Laramie, although since I haven't received any replies via email, getting in touch might be sketchy.
Illinois? Oklahoma? California? I dunno. It's all a big question mark right now.
Tired of writing. Need time to process. I'll be around.
Tue Sep 21 15:42:50 MDT 2004
Tue Sep 21 19:56:34 MDT 2004
Depression can be a bitch sometimes. Sometimes, it can suddenly feel as if the whole world has turned against you. But I know it is all in my mind.
Now I can't test my code changes, because apparently the root password on the server has been changed yet again. Fuck it all to hell.
Sometimes, I really do just want to crawl into a hole and die.
I don't care who reads this anymore. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of trying to fix things. I'm tired of trying to make all the pieces fit. I'm tired of trying to fit into a world in which I am a circle, but the only spaces available are rectangular.
I know I'll get over this. Hopefully sooner rather than later.
Could the road cure me of my disease? I doubt it.
Would it help to seek the counsel of medical professionals? I know from past experience that they would indeed be able to numb me into a state of Fitter, Happier, More Productive. As for the psychological side? Well, that largely depends on who you get as a therapist. In my experience, some have been really excellent, and others just mediocre.
I hate this. I hate it because I know what I really need is not a bunch of pills and counselers, but a community in which everyone is valued, respected, and where I don't find myself sitting behind a wall with a CRT 99% of the time. It was there for a brief moment, but now it's gone, and only fleeting glimpses are left behind; just enough to allow me to wonder whether it was real, or a big delusion.
All I have now are scraps, remnants, and memories.
But I KNOW it's more than that. Last Saturday, at Food Not Bombs, when I walked up to the bandshell, I was greeted by name. They knew me, and I knew them. Perhaps not very well yet, but it was something.
Toward the end of bouncing's stay (i.e. last night), it seemed like even he, I, and the parents were all getting along a bit better together again, at least for a little while.
But already, numbing isolation creeps back. Perhaps what I hate is that this state of existence seems to be, for me, "normal", and I fear that I may again be sinking into it for what might end up being a long time. Fear is the mind killer.
I know how it happens. Ironically, it is my very need for human connections that drives me to cut myself off from people. When I find myself in a state of utter desperation for others to love and accept me, my social vitality already drained, I become compliant to the point of fault. Boring. So fearful that anything I say or do might cause others to dislike me that I am paralyzed into behaving in whatever manner I think will cause the least offense. It becomes so engrained into my personality that I do it without even thinking about it.
Working as designed, this way of being almost never alienates people outright. Thus, I have very few enemies in life, if any. On the other hand, it doesn't really make people want to be around me all that much either. I'm too boring. (Exception: Friends I've known for a long time either find ways around it, or have just learned to somehow deal and live with my ways. Or maybe I attract people who enjoy being around such passivity.)
When such a mode of existence evolves beyond a mere habit, and into something that becomes extremely difficult to reverse even with conscious effort, it turns every encounter with almost anyone into a burden. When it gets bad enough, in an effort to avoid such burdens, I simply start avoiding people in general. Besides, even when I am around people, the chances having anything meaningful happen gravitate toward 0%, thanks to the conditions set by my subconcsious imperative of "don't offend anybody". So why bother even talking to anyone?
It's even more pronounced in cases involving sexual attraction, because being attracted to somebody is likely to intensify the desire to not repel them. So yeah, I tend to pretty much turn into a blob of goo. Generally speaking, this is not a very attractive quality to most people.
The exception happens when, by whatever means, some little internal switch gets flipped. Then I explode.
Exhibit A: Me, for most of the past month.
But now, due to an entire variety of pressures and forces, my fear has begun to kick in again. It starts like this, and then it builds. There's nothing I can do to stop it. My energy is already spent. As I enter a state of depression, I feel powerless to do anything about it.
Or maybe... Could it be that there's something I overlooked? Do I have the power to stop this cycle from having its way with me all over again, or at least find some way to alter it such that I don't turn into a zombie?
To speculate a bit, I suspect the most likely path is to find (or maintain) friendships with people who do not try to place conditions or judgements upon me as contingencies for acceptance, and spend as much time with such people as possible. That was what I found so freeing about ASR. At least with the core group -- those who remained until the very end -- I experienced a form of unconditional acceptance and commonality that has been rare in my life. This despite the fact that I had not met any of them more than 3 days prior.
(I experienced another similar instance with a different group just over 2 years ago, in a town known as Longview. What ensued in my life afterward was an explosion of similar proportions. Well, to be honest, there were other factors happening with me at that time as well. But aren't there always?)
Blah, blah, blah.
...
Sometimes, everything just seems so overwhelming. I suppose that to whatever degree my life is a shithole, I've brought it upon myself. Small comfort, that.
Enough of this. I'm out.
Tue Sep 21 21:39:00 MDT 2004