I have in front of me a film that fits the following description: Tales of the Kama Sutra: The Perfumed Garden. It is the most effectively wrapped, worst piece of dumpster trash I ever could have bought. The truth within is so dense that it is almost unbearable. DVD version.

Still I sob. I had to pause it. If I had let it continue to play, I suspect it would have gone on all day, or if not that long, perhaps lasting itself until the theoretical technical limit of the DVD medium before cutting itself off. This is out deep it cuts.

Actually, the copy I have is a cheap B-movie. When I began to watch it, I realized that it was not a film portrayal of the ancient Kama Sutra, but a cheap knock-off instead. A modern day version with really bad acting. Still, it held my interest. Then it hypnotized me, as I knew it would have the power.

(One of the company credits listed on the back is an outfit entitled "CEO Films." Designed to appeal to the jealousy in us all, is it not?)

Slowly, as the narrative weaved its way around my mind with its symmetry, I went to sleep. Blissful. I forgot the worries that had driven me to escape back into this medium.

...

...

The largest single block of sleep I've had in over a week, I think. Then again, maybe not. It's getting hard to remember exactly what happened. Maybe I dreamed some of that. Especially the parts that involved love and being loved.

[Bitscape stops. Off to go sobbing again.]

Quickly recovers.

...

As if like a Pavlov dog, I awoke when I heard a bell ringing. It was from my headphones of course, but it would be several minutes before I would realize it. The first thing I looked at was the timer on the DVD player:

60:00

If the "production" was already around half-way over, it wouldn't hurt to just stay and rest through the remainder. After all, I thought, it is still only early morning. And mom is off at work. She will not be home for quite some time. Plenty to fit in everything that needs to be done. Plus the rest of this movie. Right?

So I let it continue, and as the subnarrative unfolded (in the ancient indian setting -- the sort of tale I had hoped to be watching in the first place) the inherent eroticism of it began to get to me. But it also reminded me of moments from my own recent past.

Such a beautiful courtesan...

Hah, forget that. Such a beautiful actress they found to play her! Let's keep watching.

I kept watching, and my heart was taken away. For it is entirely possible that right now, someone with the name of L         I           S                         A"        

could be outside calling desperately for my help, and I would not hear it. I weep deeply again, for this erases any claim I may ever have been able to make about caring for women, especially when I think about where my mother might be now, but not telling me.

There is no hope left. I must let go. I'm going to back and watch just a little more of the movie. As I recall, it's sitting paused at 84:24 (84 minutes, 24 seconds) right now. Watching the rest could end up being the most theraputic thing I ever do. It might also end up being the worst mistake of my life.

May God -- the god that no longer exists in my mind -- help me survive whatever comes after this. The burden is too much to bear.... Please, please, please.. Any woman would do. But no. Don't. Go away. PLEASE. GET OUT! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11`

[/me ^H^H^H Bitscape bows and returns to watch the film for a couple more seconds, or minutes, or hours, or days.]

Time has no meaning anymore. Not to me.