Sometimes, when I go for several days without writing anything, I lose the flow. I come back with the intent of writing something, but it's hard to get started again. When I'm on a roll, writing something every day (or more), it's just natural to keep it going. It's easy. But when that gets broken for any reason, or lack of reason, getting it going again can become a major pain in the arse. Tonight is one of those nights.

I have reverted to a semi-nocturnal state of existence. It ain't bad, I guess, but it would be even better if it felt like there was some meaning to it.

An evil creature has been coming to pester me lately. He wants to entice me back to his lair. He usually comes in the night, but lately, he's been showing up during the day as well. He knows his luck is better when my mind is unfocused, isolated. He likes to taunt me when I am at my worst. His mental poison cripples me when I am already at my weakest. His name is Depression.

I've done my best to try to turn him away; ignore him. I often try to pretend he isn't there. Sometimes that works. Sometimes it doesn't. When I'm backed into a corner, and there's no other place to go, it definetely does not work.

Depression wants to tell me that I am hopeless as a human being. That there is no point in any of it. That everything I've ever done has ultimately ended up in failure, so why try?

Tonight, Depression tried to tell it wasn't worth writing anything on this web page. He told me the same thing last night, and the night before. After all, I don't really have anything of substance to say, and nobody wants to hear me spout negativity. Not even me. So what's the point?

This time, I finally told Depression to go and shove it where the sun don't shine.

So he's leaving me alone. For now.

For the past few days, on and off, I've been working on making a real bug tracking system for buildmeasite. Since this particular project was purely my idea, not that of Scott or anyone else. I've been doing it "off the clock" so to speak, as a sort of a fun exercise.

Why? 2 reasons I can clearly identify. One is what I perceive as a complete and utter lack of organization in the way things get done. Maybe when there's only 3 people involved, things don't really need to be that organized. (That number might be dwindling to 2, since somebody seems to have found a "real job", more or less.) Still, the chaos bugs me. So I make whatever feeble attempt I can muster to improve things.

The second reason is simply that I want to get my feet wet with servlet/jsp programming, and this seems as good a way as any. As such, I find myself stumbling around a lot. My perfectionist tendencies get me mired in silly semantics, as I ponderously debate which object model would be best. Should I pass the database connection object into my classes, and let them run the queries themselves, or execute the queries from outside, and pass the values manually through set methods?

Blah blah blah. Sometimes, when I become too frustrated with my own obstinate perfectionism, it's just easier to throw my hands up in the air, put the decision off until later, and play a game of kohan.

1 game becomes 2 games. 2 games become 3. A habit not so conducive to productivity.

My mom's friend did indeed come on Wednesday, and has been staying with her for several days since. I halfway partly went through with my plan to make myself scarce around there. Virtually all of my waking hours, and many of my sleeping hours, have been spent over here at my dad's place. I didn't actually pack any clothes, toothbrush, or anything like that. As such, I have made several trips back. Usually, it's happened at night when they're asleep, or during the day when they're out.

But here I am now, probably going to fall asleep on this couch before much longer. I just couldn't sleep without writing something here first.

Unfortunately, this whole episode has only served to remind me of the pathetic depths my life seems to have sunk to. I hate being dependent on my parents again like this.

I have to sleep now. My eyes are starting to close without voluntary consent. So now I let them shut.