Today was another day at the grocery store. I find myself disillusioned with the endless drudgery of my job.

For the first time in my life, I started to believe that there may be some wisdom in the ways of the Soup Nazi. Though his technique is clearly in violation of every customer service guideline ever conceived by the corporate marketing machine, his ruthlessness and strict enforcement of code could be the road to ultimate bliss, if exercised faithfully by every person who stands behind a counter.

Yes. What this town needs is a Deli Nazi!

Imagine the following as a script....

FADE IN:

INT. GROCERY STORE - EVENING

The camera opens focused close-up on a single tomato. A hand reaches into the frame and picks it up. Camera follows the hand, zooms out to reveal...

A shopper, placing the tomato into a grocery cart. The customer walks out of the frame in an aimless daze. Camera moves on, panning around the produce section, which is bustling with a moderate amount of activity. Camera continues to pan around until it reaches...

THE DELI.

Near the counter, there is a sizable line of people waiting to be assisted.

The camera comes to rest on the person at the front of the line. Off-camera, we hear a stern, sharp voice. It is...

DELI NAZI

(In a curt, sharp tone.) Next?

The customer straightens their back, places one foot in front of the other, and stands erect, attempting to assume a military posture.

CUSTOMER #1

One pound pastrami. One pound mesquite turkey. Half pound chedder.

Deli Nazi proceeds to take the appropriate items from the display case, and packages them up.

Customer #1 takes two horizontal steps to the left and waits, until Deli Nazi finishes weighing and pricing the items, and hands them across the counter. Customer takes the items, and walks away, relieved that it is over.

DELI NAZI

Next?

(This sequence could proceed for a couple of iterations to establish the pattern, until...)

Unwary Customer casually saunters up to the counter, apparently unaware of the Deli Nazi or the required protocol.

DELI NAZI

Next?

UNWARY CUSTOMER

Hello. Can you... tell me... what kind of cheese.... would go well with... red wine? (pausing randomly several times mid-sentence as indicated)

Deli Nazi's face begins to fill with a delighted fury, knowing his next victim is falling into the trap. He decides to give the victim one more chance.

DELI NAZI

Order?

UNWARY CUSTOMER

Excuse me. I asked a question? We need some cheese. The specific wine we're looking to match is...

DELI NAZI

[snaps finger] No cheese for you! Next?

The bewildered customer wanders away, shaking their head.

A little while later...

DELI NAZI

Next?

Picky Customer tiptoes up to the counter.

PICKY CUSTOMER

Hi, I'd like a pint of greek pasta salad. But could you make sure not to get any tomatoes in it?

DELI NAZI

Greek Pasta Salad has tomatos. You order greek pasta salad, you get tomatoes!

PICKY CUSTOMER

Yeah, I know it has tomatoes. That's why I'm saying, if you could pick them out as you're scooping it out of the bowl....

DELI NAZI

[snapping fingers, like a judge hitting the gavel in a courtroom when sentencing is passed] No salad for you! Next?

...

Customer brings a styrofoam container of self-served soup to the counter. The lid won't stay on; the container is overflowing because the customer overfilled it.

SOUP CUSTOMER

Hi, this soup is about to spill out. Could you wrap it up for me?

In triumphant glee, Deli Nazi rips the soup from the customer's hand, walks across the room, and tosses it into the trash with great vigor.

DELI NAZI

No soup for you!

THE END.

Oh dear. That's probably not nearly as funny as it seems right now. Scary thing is that I can think of at least another half dozen possible little segments off the top of my head, all taken from actual situations. Hmmmm.... I didn't even get to the most annoying or rude ones. Too much angst in this wannabe scriptwriter.

Alright, that'll do for tonight. I gotta get my sanity back.