As of the moment I write this sentence, January 1 is almost over. It will undoubtedly be January 2 before I finish. Although it might be a little on the late side, this will have to pass as my new year's rambling.

Some people who reload a lot might have noticed funny things happening with this web site during the past couple days. This can be explained by the fact that on December 31, 2002, the server had what could likely be the worst catastrophe in buildmeasite history.

Late Monday night, scottgalvin.com and I were chatting and ironing out various problems with Hygrogen, the new server. Then, out of the blue, it crashed. Hard.

Attempts to reboot it by personnel at inflow failed.

scottgalvin.com decided to drive to inflow immediately to see if he could fix the problem. I contemplated joining him, but decided that I needed some sleep (I was already tired, and had work the next day). If it turned out to be something beyond his capability to fix, I could help him in the morning.

Tuesday morning. Whatever it was was clearly non-trivial, because scottgalvin.com said they were going to try to boot the server from a floppy or cd, so I made my first ever journey to the inflow server racks. 3 hours later, the 4 assembled geeks consisting of scottgalvin.com, myself, and two other people he had enlisted to help, had been able not convince the sad thing to boot from the hard drive, or even a cd. (A floppy boot had succeeded, but we lacked appropriate drivers to access the hard drive.)

I had to go to work, so I left them to continue tinkering.

In my absence, scottgalvin.com and various other people who came in and out to help him switched back to the old cobalt. (With me giving some phone tech support during my breaks at work.) And so it stands.

Based on my examination of the situation tonight, bitscape's lounge appears to be more or less working, although I did need to sync some of the more recent content to the cobalt's database.

What went wrong? My wild guess: Hard disk controller failure. Some post-mortem examination might reveal more.

So anyway.... the New Year. My New Year's celebration was probably one of my most non-climactic ever (though strangely fitting in some way). Up until around 2330 on December 31, I was working my shift at the king soopers deli. Though I was scheduled to work until midnight, I got off early, leaving things in the capable hands of the night crew. (The store was literally dead from 2200 onward. No customers anywhere.)

I got home, plopped in bed, turned on the tv to watch the ball drop as the clock changed to 2003, turned it off, and went to sleep.

So 2002 is over. 2003 begins. Looking over the past, and plotting a course into the future.

2002, for me, has been year that could certainly be described as eventful. To be honest, I can't help but feel depressed over many of the changes that have happened. Today at work (and yesterday), during the moments when things got slow and I had nothing to do but stare off into space, I almost felt like crying as I thought about it. I know that this is not exactly an empowering approach, but I cannot deny what I feel.

My primary consolation is the belief that through pain, there can be growth and learning. Maybe there will be.

Not to let the negative become the overwhelming focus, the past year has also brought many positive experiences, new friends, renewed bonds with old friends, and fun times.

Here's some highlights, good, bad, bittersweet, and otherwise:

• This year began as the first year of my life in which I could truly consider myself independent of my parents; both financially and in terms of housing. When 2002 began, I had just moved into my new apartment, and was getting settled and comfy there.

  As 2003 begins, I have my stuff at both my parents' apartments. I sleep at my mom's, and keep my computer at my dad's. Uncertain bleakness seems to cover my outlook financially for the near future.

• 2002 was the year I got back into regular contact with an individual known here as $mentor[0]. Though I had known this person years ago, and considered him almost as a second father during much of my teenage life, we had fallen out of contact for a while, until serendipity intervened. The words and ideas of $mentor[0], whom I deeply respect, would play a key role in influencing and guiding many of my decisions. The ultimate impact of these conversations cannot be underestimated.

• During my summer, many a weekend night was spent getting into the Denver goth club scene. Initially conceived as a way to meet and interact with members of the opposite sex (an objective at which I found marginal success at best), I later came to spend nights down at onyx for the mere atmosphere -- the ambience, music, dancing, and of course, to drink a beer or two.

  As the year drew to a close, I found myself visiting less and less frequently. Though this is due partially to financial and other practical obstacles, maybe some part of me has also found that I'm drifting away emotionally. In any case, these days I don't feel an overwhelming compulsion to "be there" week after week as I did a few months ago. Who's to say how things will go in the future.

• Got into meditation and learning the ways of buddhism, making regular trips to the weekly Monday night meetings at the Shambhala center. Again, this happened largely during the summer months, and waned as the year drew to a close. Part of the blame falls on crazy work schedules (some weeks), and part on just not feeling the need. In any case, I those experiences (or lack thereof) hold a prominent place in my memory.

• Got laid.

  It cost me a couple hundred bucks, which most of mainstream society considers unsavory. To me, it was worth it, even if it falls under the "try everything in life at least once" banner. Good thing I seized the moment and did so when I did, because 3 weeks later, I would be out of a job, at which time such an expense would become unthinkable. (Or maybe the loss of my job was $DIETY's way of punishing me for my "sin"? I say so in partly in jest, but in truth, the still-religious part of me hasn't ruled out such poetic divine justice as a genuine possibility.)

• Played the role of best man in an awesome wedding. I include this as a major bullet item in my list not only because it was a major event in the life of a friend I've known entirely too long, but also because the occassion allowed me to see a lot of old friends, renew bonds with people I had fallen out of touch with, and make new friends. Oh, and in its wake, I also found myself majorly re-evaluating my direction in life. Next item.

• Weathered a manic psychotic episode. (Yes, all of these last three items, as well as the following one, happened within the span of a couple weeks. Late July/August was the "vortex" of my year.)

  I somehow managed to make it through without being arrested, hospitalized, physically injured, or killing myself through recklessness. Lucky me.

  I don't think most people really understand how close to the edge I was, mentally speaking. This is because I had enough presence of mind to know how to "act" relatively calm, even though on the inside my mind was doing double backflips for several days on end.

  Fortunately, I managed to document a small fraction of my insanity on this web page. Other portions went into emails to various individuals. They may know who they are.

  It was an unprecedented eternity of moments, sometimes terrifying, other times blissful. I find it largely impossible to communicate the full bredth of it in words, but my memories of it are almost as vivid as the experiences themselves. Only one who has been there can know that of which I speak.

• Lost my programming job. Honestly, at this point, I'm not sure how to account for the causality here. Maybe it was a combination of factors.

  • In a crappy economy, struggling company is in the process of getting rid of lots of its once-valued employees. Check.
  • One of those who remain writes some nutty things on the web, which are not to the liking of some higher up in the company. Check.
  • Said employee has crappy productivity for a week after returning from vacation. Check.
  • This person contemplates taking a new direction in life, and notifies management that he's probably going to be leaving in a few months, so now would be a good time to start thinking about a replacement or training others in areas of the code he knows. Check.
  • Same individual sends an emotionally-charged email to a former coworker, which somehow manages to find its way to the human resources department. Check.

  You guess the outcome. It ain't rocket science.

  My biggest regret about this was not the fact that I lost that job. I was planning on leaving anyway. My biggest regret was the way it happened. I would have prefered to have parted on good terms. Despite all that happened, I respect, admire, and would like to have considered myself friends with many people there. (That statement could even apply to some from top management.)

  As it was, the only chance I had to say goodbye to some of my former coworkers, was a rushed "bye" to people whose cubes I walked by as I was hastily escorted out of the building, while they had no idea what was going on. I had also been asked not to try to contact anyone inside the company after leaving. I honored that request, but... It wasn't supposed to end like that. Not like that.

  It's all in the past now.

• Spent several months haphazardly trying to figure out where to go with my life next, employment-wise, as the funds ran out, and so did my apartment lease. Did some work on buildmeasite, which was good, but never quite found myself able to throw my entire heart into it.

  Let's be honest for a moment. That code is Jaeger's baby, and the business side is scott's. Somewhere in the middle, I say a few words of wisdom (hah!), write a few lines of perl, and edit a config file here and there. It's a fun gig, and I'm happy to be a part of it. Yesterday, I even got to see the inside of a building with more bandwidth per second than I use in an entire month (or year?) But as for playing an integral role in the building of buildmeasite: This is a little swimming pool full of big fish. Or something like that. I think it's getting late.

• With the help and encouragement of friends and family, got a job at king soopers. It ain't glamorous, and it don't pay a lot. But it's something, for now.

Well, that turned out to be a rather lengthy list to summarizing and chronicle the past year in my life. I've managed to totally neglect events in the world at large, which yanthor covered. (Hey, one can only cover so much in one sitting.) I also find myself watching with fascination as things unfold on the greater stage. Where is it all going? A topic worthy of discussion.

Now, for the future. The new year.

I've decided that I would like to seek employment in the tech sector. I don't expect it to be easy. I may need to learn some new skills, and even then, it may be next to impossible to find anything, if the tales of other unemployed people are any indicator. But if I don't at least try, I'll be cursing myself for a long time to come. And wondering. What could have been?

I didn't spend years learning how to program just for fun as a hobby. Yes, I enjoy it, but as I recall my teenage years, part of my motivation for learning was the hope that someday, I might be able to get a job and make a living out of it. "Wouldn't that be cool?" Yeah.

The dream is still alive. Just because I got burned out on some of the mindless minutia and corporate BS at my last job doesn't mean that there aren't still worthwhile opportunites to pursue, and positive things to create! I want to be a part of that.

I didn't spend years reading programming books, tinkering with compilers, and going to school so that I could spend my whole life working in a deli. There's nothing wrong with the deli, but if I stay there too long, I can sense the braindeath through atrophy already on the horizon.

Maybe it's also a matter of believing what my mom used to tell me when I was little. And my teachers in grade school and high school. All that stuff about being smart, and how I could go into whatever field I wanted to, if I put my mind to it.

It's not too late.

I cannot allow myself to slip into this fatalistic notion that all the best times are behind me. That I'm too old, my skills are obsolete, and the fucked up situation at my last job spells death for any career I may have. I can rise above, if I'm committed. Am I committed?

The new year has begun. I don't know what's ahead. This is entering uncharted territory. Maybe I need a map, or maybe I need a guide, or maybe I need to pray.

I'm going to bed. Two days off work now, which I can use to think, sleep, work on buildmeasite if necessary, help fix my mom's computer, and maybe begin in the long term implementation of these ideas. Here's to it.

Goodnight, and happy new year!