Some days, it feels like the only thing standing between me and a nice huge overdose of sleeping pills is the fact that I have parents who would be devastated if I ended myself in such a manner. I can't do that to them. Am I really this depressed? No, I can't be.

After reflection, my gut feeling on the job in San Antonio today (and I truly hope I'm wrong): They're not going to hire me. That's just what my instinct says. I wasn't "on" when the phone rang, and I picked it up to talk. I stammered and stumbled through the conversation, never really sure what the interviewer was trying to ask. (So many vague, open-ended questions.) Maybe I really should have done some drugs beforehand, even if it just meant spiking my blood's caffeine content.

(Then again, maybe I'm an idiot, and I did do a good job of demonstrating my capabilities, and I will be lucky enough to get hired.)

I hate the way my life seems to be spiraling down in an uncontrollable frenzy, and I feel powerless to stop it. Am I really that powerless? Maybe it's my fear -- my attachment to a lifestyle I can no longer live -- that's making everything seem like it's on its way down the toilet. If only I could just let go of it all...

Again, I find myself questioning my own mind. Am I feeling this way as a result of my circumstances, or because of some semi-abnormal brain condition brought about by a chemical imbalance in the neurotransmitters which causes me to have mood swings? I'm inclined to believe it's largely the former, just because so many people I've talked to have said, "Man, I can see why you'd be feeling down. Anybody in your situation would understandably be going through a low right now." However, I also suspect that the latter may play some role in augmenting and intensifying my feelings of hopelessness and dispair.

I often find myself tempted to try and blame my former company, who seemed content to throw their employees away like used condemns, all the while proclaiming it was all part of some great road to ultimate success. At least the people who offically got laid off got some kind of severence pay; I got a nastygram, a "never ever talk to us again" bit, and a quick trip to the door. After a solid 2.5 years of work. Gee, thanks guys. Fuck you too.

But that really isn't constructive, so let's get over it already.

This rambling sucks. Is it even worth publishing such drivel?

I want to say something positive. I want to do something positive. I guess the ever-changing graphics and intro text on this site have sort of been a way for me to try to do that. The whole world seems to be going to hell, but at least I got this stupid web site to scribble on for a little while longer. Bury my head in the sand, even after I've started packing my boxes, to move I know not where.

I hate typing this. I hate spewing all this negative, down stuff at the world. Because everybody I know (excepting the aforementioned company) has been really nice to me. What does it say to the people who have been kind and supportive if I just crumble under a wave of depression, despite everything they've done?

I need some sleep now. Sorry I didn't have anything more upbeat to say today. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe.

P.S. Try browsing the images directories, pr0n or otherwise. I got inspired on irc tonight. Hope somebody enjoys it.