Cleaning the log forgotten corners of Argo's hard drive, little by little over the past couple days, I'm discovering all sorts of wacky ancient stuff I had forgotten about.

Like this crazy bit of poetry, in an "unfinished/unpublished ramblings" directory. It's dated December 16, 1999.

Their eyes full of wonder, they journied the skies.
Silent hoofs over air, crossing clouds of violet
manes streaming invisible trails as the beasts gallop onward.

Crying babies scream below, never to know
the shadows of their benefactors.

Through the mountains, through the trees,
burning holes under the seas,
while quietly the dawn waited.

Right now, I'm thinking the same thing that's written right below it in the rambling. "Hmmm. That was a bit random." Actually... Wait a sec! That one was published. What's it doing here? I thought it seemed odd that I wouldn't have published it. Ok, that was just a nice trip down forgotten memory lane then.

But what I didn't say in the rambling was that it was inspired by this wallpaper. (Which, with the help of a little clip art, was also created by yours truly. Don't ask where the inspiration for that came from.)

Argo likes that image too, BTW. So, as of now, it is once again my desktop background.

I'm livin in the past, people! I feel like it's all I've got left now. And maybe I don't even have that.

On a related note, in the "embarrass myself as I have never embarrassed myself before" department, at this moment, I am listening to this song from this album. Anybody else remember it? I didn't think so. Or maybe they blocked it out.

Honestly, as far as cheese goes, Britney's stuff is nothing compared to this. Scared yet? You should be.

Track 8 is cool though. So says me. Hah! :)

Getting down to business...

In the web-content-that-needs-to-be-written department, I've got several things to cover. (Because, after all, producing massive volumes of web content is the most important thing in life, right? Everbody with me on that?)

Last weekend:

Saturday, I journied across town to help a friend (sometimes known as $mentor[0]) move from an apartment into a newly purchased condo.

(It is indeed an awesome time to buy housing right now, if you have an income to afford it. All these ads in the mail have been taunting me incessantly about it, as if to say, "Haha, you're out of work. So, since you can't buy anyway, we'll rub it in by telling you about how it's such a great time to purchase a home.".)

So anyway, as moving often does, it took quite a bit longer than either of us had initially estimated. Carrying boxes, assorted furniture, and a mattress which was one hell of a bitch to carry. Since I wasn't yet certain whether I myself would be moving soon, this experience reminded me that I really don't want to be moving all my stuff into another place just yet, even if I did still have enough income to potentially afford a house.

$mentor[0] took me out to supper at pizza hut, which was hit the spot perfectly.

Then, it was back to moving furniture. At one point, Zan Lynx called me, suggesting a get-together of some form. I had to give him a raincheck on that, since I was already committed for the evening.

We were joined by another helper mid-evening, which sped things up quite a bit. The three of us ended up working on it until almost midnight, when we finally got the second and last load of major items transported from the truck into the condo, putting items wherever there was a free spot on the increasingly densely filled floors. Whew!

After the stuff had all been moved, and we were resting, $mentor[0] pulled out some ice cream he had bought at the store on an errand, and the tired crew ate to its heart's content.

Help friend move furniture. Get free lunch, dinner, and midnight ice cream. Good deal. Then, out of the blue, he pulled out several $20's and handed them to me. This had not been part of the arrangement. He said he really appreciated the help, wouldn't have been able to get it done had I not been around (short of hiring professional movers), and knew I was in a tight spot. So we were helping each other out.

Ordinarily, I wouldn't have taken it, and I don't think he would have given money for helping move when done as a favor. Circumstances being as they are though, I took the money with great appreciation. Well, it does help.

Sunday. Slept in. In the afternoon, I went to the grocery store, and bought some bagels, english muffins, spaghetti, asparagus, and a bunch of fruit. Paid $40 in cash. Awesome.

Sunday evening, I decided to go to the punk Christian church I had previously been invited to by someone at the club, just to see what it was like. So I took a great journey in Tobias to a building in the land of East Colfax, where the "Scum of the Earth" congregation meets, not really sure what to expect at all.

As I entered at 19:05 (slightly after the scheduled starting time), people who had been congregating around the door were moving forward to take their seats. Many of them had cups of hot drink in their hand. As I entered, the warm sound of a 5-piece rock band permeated the air. 2 electrics, a bass, and percussion. A girl in casual attire stood on the stage (or I guess in a church, it's called a "platform") singing a song I recognized from the radio a few years ago.

Truly, the place did have the ambience of a coffee house. I swear, I don't think I saw a single person in the entire building who was over the age of 30. I looked around for my friend from the club, but didn't see him.

Well, since everyone was sitting down, I decided to go get settled too. I found a spot on the floor near the front, where I could soak in the music.

They sang more religious songs, inviting the congregation to join in, with lyrics displayed via an overhead projector. (I'd be tempted to call them "hymns", except none of them were anything I had seen or heard in traditional hymnals. Though different in style, they did reflect similar themes as the chuch songs I had heard growing up as a child and beyond.)

There was a mimed skit, which was... interesting.

Then, after some announcements and other fanfare, the pastor, wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and must have also been in his 20s (maybe early 30s), got up and gave a sermon. It was a pretty good sermon, as far as sermons go. It was about confronting things in your life that are easier to avoid. He used Nehemiah chapter 2 as an illustration, in which Nehemiah confronted the king about his grief over the destruction of his home village, which, given the background circumstances of the situtaion, must have taken great courage. (Saying such things to the king, or even showing sadness in the king's presence, would have been risking getting his head chopped off.)

Anyway... this is not a summary of the sermon, but I found it interesting enough.

Afterwards, they sang a few songs, had a prayer, and the service concluded. I didn't see any sign of the person I knew, and wasn't at all in the mood to try and socialize with strangers, so I took my leave promptly.

Observations: Structurally, content-wise, and as far as the essential message goes, it was very much like other Christian services I've seen. Stylistically, very different. Though the culture is nothing like the church I grew up in, my rudimentary observation would indicate that it no more or less Christian than the more conservative church services of my past.

I was also made aware once again, as if to confirm what I already knew: I am not a Christian, even when the message is presented in a format much more palatable to my tastes. Though they have a lot of good, worthwhile things to say, and some great philosophy for living life, I just wasn't with it when it came time to sing about letting Jesus into your heart, and allowing his Holy presence to take control of your spirit.

I have my own heart, thank you. Though Jesus said many great things, even if I take the leap and assume that he is still alive somewhere in some form, I'd rather keep my soul and spirit autonomous to my being. I don't want Jesus "in my heart" any more than I want Ghandi or Martin Luther King Jr "in my heart".

That said, there were clearly people at this service who do derive benifit from this notion. Others I have spoken to also express similar sentiments -- that placing God/Jesus at the center of their lives is ultimately the most meaningful and worthwhile thing they will ever do. I cannot argue with the results, at least in cases where people truly endeavor to follow the philosophy consistently.

After coming home from church, I spent most of the night Sunday putting together something resembling a paper on a topic that has become another pet issue of mine, right up there with freedom of speech, the DMCA, and patent reform. In the case of this paper, the central focus of my argument wasn't about any specific political stance or action. (Though there are certainly ways the laws could be improved.)

No, instead of arguing directly for legislative reform, I chose to fight a much bigger windmill: The English Language itself! (Or a specific subset of that language.) All I want is one word, and I still don't have it, dammit! Let's go march on Washington. Sure, that'll help.

Monday, Tuesday: Jack shit. Oh, right. I'm moving out of here this month. Wouldntcha know it?

Well, I did go to meditation on Monday, then mass irc, and watched Buffy on Tuesday, but that's all been covered already.

Wednesday: Got back on track with some buildmeasite work, getting a backup script going.

I suppose I could again reiterate that I am officially in the dumps as far as morale goes. Overwhelmed. Don't know where my life is going. Don't know what I'm going to do. Trying to keep a positive attitude, even as everything seems to be crumbling out from under me.

Just after starting this rambling, scottgalvin.com and I had a little discussion about... stuff. I guess you could call him a motivational speaker of sorts. Asking some fairly tough, pointed questions about where I'm going with my life, specifically with regard to jobs. I wish I knew the answers.

Um... I can see this. The way I've been handling things lately is crazy. It doesn't make sense. My plans are a jumble, and my actions have been wishy-washy. I feel like I'm in a nearly impossible situation. As soon as I allow that conclusion to dominate my thinking, I seem to have a tendancy to just give up and hide in the corner, which doesn't help.

Where is my confidence? I have so much fear, and so much attachment to that which I cannot hold onto. It feels so easy to say, "The situation is so far out of my control, that maybe the best thing I can do is just let it go. Lose my will. Quit worrying, and in so doing, also quit trying."

But not all of me is there. If it was, I probably would just walk out in the street until the pain got so bad that I throw myself over a bridge in order to absolve it. But I'm not that low. There's too much that's worthwhile to live for. Too many good people in the world. Too much that I haven't yet done with my life, and would still like to do.

But this next month? What. The. Fuck.

Find a job. Find a place to live. Get all my stuff packed up. Get it moved, to... somewhere. Do it all with a bank balance that is floating so ridiculously close to 0.

I'd love to stay in this apartment and work somewhere in here town. That would greatly simplify things. I'd like to say that I put forth the best effort that I could during the month of September, but did I truly? I didn't go for taco bell, or other minimum wage positions, because those simply wouldn't be enough pay the rent and bills anyway.

But now, I'm going to be moving out, and I don't know where I'm going to be moving to. So what will be the bare minimum I'm going to need per month in order to get by? I DON'T KNOW. I don't know, because I haven't figured out where I'm going to live yet, or what the expenses will be. I don't know where I'm going to live, because I don't yet know where my job will be. It's a fucking catch 22!

My mom offered to loan me some money. Maybe I should have accepted. Maybe I still will. I have to say, though, that I feel very uncomfortable doing that when I don't know how or when I'll be able to pay it back. If I knew for a fact that I had a position coming in November, and I knew where it was, and how much it would pay, and then I would just be short for a few weeks, then yes, I would be ok with accepting a loan.

But as it is, everything is all so up in the air.... How can I, with any honor, accept a loan which I have no idea whether I'll even be able pay back? Especially from my mother. No. Can't go that way.

I'd like an answer to a question. I know before even asking it that it presents a false dichotomy, but I'm asking anyway. I admit that part of the reason I find myself asking it is specifically because in the past, I have been told that I have mental problems.

Right now, I think I am sane and rational. The people around me during the past few days, weeks, and months seem to confirm that I am sane and rational when I talk to them. I've even asked a few people specifically whether my thinking seems sound to them, and they say it seems reasonable, and that my feeling down is understandable, given current circumstances. Even "normal" people would be in the pits right now.

I further maintain that I have been sane and rational during the majority of the past 3 months. Every major decision I made was sound. Every major obstacle which has been thrown in front of me, I have dealt with calmly. I did have a few slips in sanity during some of the most intense (and sleep-deprived) moments, but I quickly realized my errors, and corrected them the best I could.

So this is my question: Am I crazy, or is the world crazy?

I got way too much anger inside me right now. I gotta do something with this.

I wasn't planning to carry on this long here. I don't know what I'm going to do. Writing that last sentence, I feel like a broken record.

Music, please. And some ice water to go. More content coming up.