The night is empty. The music brings me comfort. My apartment is about 2/3rds empty compared to what it was last week. Today, my dad helped me move the big stuff over to his place.

Words here come slowly, if at all.

I don't feel like talking to people lately. It's like something within me has instinctively closed up, and it is only with great effort that I can force myself to communicate, even when I want to. Most of the time, I don't. Still, emotional isolation takes its toll. I hate it.

In the job search department, I find myself demoralized almost to the point of wanting to give up. Is this a good way to think about it?

I'm trying to imagine what a heavy metal cover of that song might sound like. Tori Amos. Take To The Sky. One of her all time best, and it wasn't even on an album, but a B side on a single. (Sorry kiddies, the web-accessible media directory is now a thing of the past. But if anyone emails me nicely (and soon), I might be able to send you the ogg. Any takers? Didn't think so.)

[Bitscape's mind leaves this earth and enters the Tori Zone for an extended period.]

Words.... where are they? I want to say something.

Here we go.

Last night, I ran across some writings on this website, which echoes many thoughts I had been having before losing my previous job. That being: Spending the overwhelming majority of one's waking hours in service to a system whose values and goals are ultimately antithetical to my own in an effort to merely "keep going" and stay alive, is, in a word, insane. It's no way to live.

Like some others have done (who I hadn't yet discovered at that point), I decided to set myself on a long term course to gradually separate myself from that system. There was a part of me that wanted to quit immediately, get away from the insanity ASAP and never look back, but I knew that such rashness would pose many logistical problems, and it was unrealistic to think that I was capable of altering my habits so drastically, even if it would have been financially feasable (which it wasn't). So I decided to go gradually, take time to plan, pay off debt, and keep working though the end of the year while more details were fleshed out.

Hah! So much for plans.

Since then, I have found myself half-heartedly resigned to the fact that I need to find another job, at least for a while. I have debts to pay. I need to figure out in more specific terms where I want my future to go. What do I want to do? I need to tie up the loose ends.

Due to the fact that I was momentarily rash, and underestimated the level of paranoia within the system, it's probably going to take me longer than it would have if I had been able to stay at my former job a bit longer. The hasty ejection from my previous job was unplanned, so an alternate path must be taken, and it may be painful for a while.

But I realize that for the sake of my own mortal soul, I must not fall into the trap that society has set before me, to which I have become especially prone to buy into during recent times. The folly, and the lie: That ultimately it is my purpose and a constant necessity in life to have a job, regardless of what that job may be, or what effect it will have on myself or others. Employment is not the end-all and be-all of human existence.

Having been on the inside of the futility-ridden profit-at-the-expense-of-all-else regime, I think I can safely say that I know from whence I speak. The corporate world is not my world. Though I may linger in it for a while out of necessity or convenience, it is a poison to all who come in contact with it. Work until you die, and die rich. You will have been eaten alive.

While on the one hand, the mindless drudgery of the corporate system sickens me, the lure of the consumer culture is undeniably tempting to me. I want the toys. The goodies. The flashing lights. I know that if I am to truly free myself from the god of money, I will likely not be able to obtain such delights, at least not in the same abundance to which I have become accustomed.

Therefore, I find myself faced with a quandry to which I have not yet found an answer.

In the short term (relatively speaking), I intend to find a way to re-indenture myself to the wage slave system for a while, always keeping in mind that this is not my destiny forever, despite how parents, friends, or the television may try to convince otherwise.

These pioneers, through both example and the sharing of a dream, have given me hope. At least it can be done, if one is willing to make sacrifices. Will I be willing to make such sacrifices down the road? I honestly can't say I know for sure. How well do I know myself?

Hmmmm... It's late, and I'm babbling, and I think it's starting to get incoherent. I should go to bed.

Have I become jaded? Blah. I say No. I just want to live my life, but I'm not sure where to go.

Goodnight world. By the end of the day tomorrow, with the exception of this computer, this apartment will probably be empty.