Last night, I hit a low point in terms of mental functioning capacity. In addition to feeling completely overwhelmed with my situation, thoughts of my own foolishness came rushing to the forefront of my mind. Self-loathing to an extreme degree. I couldn't face it.

What seemed to be a realization of the lengths to which my own lunacy had taken me two months prior made me almost physically nauseated. As memories resurfaced, I found myself emotionally unequipped to deal with the products of my own sowing. Not external products, so much as excessive guilt for perceived wrongs I had committed against others in the world.

I felt like it would be easier to smash my head against a cement surface than continue to bear the the weight of the attacks my own mind was leveling against me. I resisted the temptation to commit any serious physical harm to myself or the property. I really wished I had had a wooden stick to bite down on, as I stopped just short of making tooth marks in my tv remote.

"This is why I shouldn't get involved in a relationship. Nobody deserves to deal with me when I am in this state." I was glad I was alone in my apartment. I could weather this out, at least for the evening.

Logically, I reasoned that the guilt my mind was feeding me was no more rational than some of the more twisted perceptions I had experienced two months prior. This was my brain taking me to its outer extremes. I had ridden it all the way up. I could ride it all the way down.

It's all in the mind. Just don't do anything stupid, and things will be ok.

I put some music videos on my DVD player, plugged in a pair of headphones, and turned up the volume until it maxed out to the point of distortion. I marveled at the mastery of the videos, which helped to destract me from my own insanity. The words also felt ironically fitting. It was the same stuff I had been watching two months ago.

Was that song written about me? Nah, couldn't be.

I watched music videos from DVD for like 2 or 3 hours. It is my firm belief that all the best music videos in history ever to be produced came out between the years of 1987 and 1992. Everything made before then was just warming up. Everything that came after was, at best, a mere shadow of the preceeding greatness.

With the worst of the mental tremors of the night behind me, I returned to my console at Argo, and pondered the next chapter in my documenting of the wedding. Having attempted all weekend to get something out, I still felt totally uninspired to write, but I didn't want to put it off any longer. This was something that I needed to finish.

The memories were there, but getting them into the form of cohesive words and sentences behooved me.

Eventually, I found inspiration by reading all my previous chapters about the wedding, and going on from there. This had been a chapter I had looked forward to writing, and I wanted to do it justice. Once I got going, the words flowed with moderate ease.

Now.... My life.

I'm moving out of this apartment by the end of the month. I still don't know where. I still don't have a job.

Later this afternoon, I'm going to take a tour of the UPS facility in Denver. They're looking for package handlers. If I get this job, it will only be part time, but that would certainly be better than nothing.

At this point, I also have to concede that I am so far up against the wall with regard to housing that it's time to figure out what I'm going to do with my furniture. I consider it highly likely that within a couple of weeks, I'll either be sleeping in my car, or on somebody else's floor. Either way, that doesn't leave a lot of room for couches, desks, tables, bookcases, and dressers.

I need to formulate a specific plan for each item. Possibilities include lending or giving things to other people who live in the Colorado area, and could make use of them, if such a need exists. I might also be able to sell some stuff, if I can find any buyers. I should also research renting a storage garage. Don't know how much it would cost. Don't know if it would even be worth it, given that the monetary value of my bulkier items might not be enough to justify it.

If all else fails, there's always the landfill.

At any rate, it's time to start making decisions on that.

At any rate, I'm also still searching for a job. That hasn't stopped. Maybe I'm not doing it as quickly or as diligently as I "should" be, but I'm still looking, and I still want work. Even if it comes to the point where I'm living in my car, I intend to make efforts in that regard.

Today, that effort will consist of visiting the UPS facility.

My parents have suggested that I try filing for unemployment benefits. This was an option I had hoped to avoid, because I really just wanted to just find work, and kept telling myself, "Surely, I'll have some kind of job soon enough that it won't matter." However, given my lack of success, maybe it would be a good idea.

I think for the afternoon, I'll see if I can help put stuff together for buildmeasite. Better to do everything I can with that now, while I still have an internet connection.

So... that's where things are. Life sucks, but it goes on. Over and out.