I should be handling this like an adult, but I'm not. I just want to go into the corner and disappear. I've been sleeping way too much lately. When I inevitably wake up in the late morning or afternoon, I find myself instinctively crawling back into bed in hopes that I can sleep longer, even if I'm not physically tired.

I want the world to end, but paradoxically, I want nothing more than to get back into some kind of routine where things are stable and secure.

I confess, I've been a shit lately. I've done such a small fraction of what I should have done, and wanted to do. It's completely pathetic, and it's all my fault.

I had such high ideas of what would happen, and what I could accomplish, and it all just seems to be falling apart. I'm not talking about any single event or area. I'm talking about everything. Buildmeasite. My search for employment. Social aspirations.

Even the job I used to have. I fucked it up there too. I wasn't happy with some aspects of the way things were being done, and I still think my complaints were legitimate, but the way I handled it was immature in the extreme. Shit. What a dope I am.

How can I pick up the pieces when everything is still falling? I want it all to just stop so I can get a handle on it. But if it did, what would I do? Go back to sleep in my bed, and hope I never wake up.

I want a JOB, but I hate job searching more than anything else. Once I've got a job, I'm good. But finding one? Hell. Why does that part have to be so damn hard?

It's the fear that kills me. Fear of everything. Fear that I'll be rejected yet again. Fear that I'll be hired, but the job will end up sucking. Fear that my employer will end up being an asshole. Fear that after being there for a while, the fruits of my labor will turn out to be just as meaningless and pointless as it was at my last job.

Have I ever had job satisfaction? As a matter of fact, yes, I think I have. Going back through time.

Preschool. I loved those kids. The pay was piss poor, but that didn't matter, because I was living with my parents. The money was enough to buy myself cds, and an occassional piece of new hardware for my computer. That was fine with me. But eventually, I decided I didn't want to do it my whole life, and I couldn't support myself at it. So I went to college.

The preschool job was by not perfect. I think what I hated most about it was the fact that it existed. Hmmmm.... I suppose that statement could use a little explaining. :)

It is my belief that parents should raise kids, especially when they are at a very young age. Not me. Not other strangers. 3 year olds who have just barely learned to walk should not have to spend the majority of their days supervised only by overworked, underpaid staff who are unable to give each kid the time and attention they truly deserve. But we did the best we could. Anyway, that's a tangent.

All in all you're just another brick in the wall.

Job satisfaction. I had it at my last programming job. I enjoyed what I did (most of the time). It always worked well as long as I avoided thinking about the grander scheme of things. I'll leave it at that.

But now, what am I? I feel like I'm a big nothing. I don't want to be a big nothing. I want to do something positive in the world. I want to contribute to something better. But how can I do that if I am, (a) yet another lifeless cog in the big broken corporate scamming machine, or (b) a bum with no money? Are these the only choices?

Surely there must be some middle ground. Or a genuinely better alternative.

Unfortunately, lately I've been too dumbed out to find such a thing if it does exist, because all I do is empty my fridge, reload my usual round of web pages, make occassional pitiful efforts to get something done on buildmeasite, and follow an occassional job lead which have so far all been fruitless. So I go back to bed.

I'd like to have a job where I can feel like I'm getting something accomplished. I'd like to be able to pay my bills again. Go out on weekends, take risks, make more pathetic attempts to flirt with girls, and learn. Maybe take another class or two on the side.

But instead, I find myself shriveling like a dead leaf in autumn.

Goodnight world.