Does it ever feel like your life might be on the verge of completely crumbling apart, even though things ought to be okay?

I have no job. I have very little in the way of plans about what to do if no job is found. I have no money. I have an apartment full of stuff that's going to need to be vacated if I can't find a way to pay the rent after next month.

This feels like a low point, but it could get lower.

What does one do in such a situation? How can I spread happiness, joy, and love to others when my basin is empty? How can I project confidence and poise when I feel empty and weak? Everything I currently call my "life" might be lost, all because of a bunch of stupid economic insanity.

I'm sorry. I'm depressed. I admit this. I've got a lot of negative thoughts and emotions. I'm trying to keep those to myself as much as I can, because I don't want to dump them on people who don't deserve it; they wouldn't be capable of helping anyway. (OTOH, people who choose to read this web page as a curiosity get to read whatever I spew. That's part of the deal.)

But holding it all in can only work for so long.

There's been tons of great love and support expressed from all over the place. It's come from friends via email. Magical luck dust. Beebles. How can you go wrong with them on your side?

It's come from scottgalvin.com, who sent words of cheer, gave tips on fixing up my resume, and has passed it on to potential employers he knows, as well as taking Jaeger and I to the job fair today. He's way cool.

From my parents in meatspace. My mom helped hook me up for the interview I did on Tuesday. Though I don't know if it will directly result in a job, she deserves huge kudos for that. I swear on my honor that I'll take her out to dinner, once I get employed again.

My dad last week. (Don't think I mentioned this here.) He took me to Country Buffet merely for helping diagnose a problem with his computer. It took like 5 minutes. But he was like, "I'll take you out to dinner. Want to go to Country Buffet?"

My brother in San Antonio, who expressed support right after I reported what had happened at my former job. He might be coming to visit during Christmas. I want to be here when that happens. I don't want to be off in another state.

All the people who have sent me stuff. Nemo, Drizzt. Physical tokens of friendship, which enhance and improve my enjoyment and appreciation of life.

Jaeger and Kiesa, who have invited me to their place on multiple occassions, where they fed me, showed me movies, and hung out and chatted about all sorts of cool stuff.

Yanthor, who has been an unconditional friend for years. He recently wrote some commentary on his web site, publicly taking my side on an issue which has become very personal to me lately, and stating he thinks no less of me due to a decision which some people might consider nuts. He did so without ever mentioning my name. ;)

How could I let any of these people down? How could I let myself down? Do I ultimately have any control over what happens to my life? I certainly would like to think so.

Crumbling, crumbling, crumbling. Sometimes, it just feels like it's crumbling. There are times when I just want to give up and let it all go. But the knowledge that there are all these good people, scattered around the continent who have been so generous, keeps me from giving up completely.

There are also others who I haven't mentioned here for various reasons. They've been cool too.

How can I return this kindness? I want to.

The more depressed I get, the less capable I become. Maybe "depressed" isn't even the right word. It's like I just find my mind trapped in a blob of fear and disgust at the rest of the world. The power structures. The way the system tries to use and exploit us. The insanity of it all.

I still maintain that even at my looniest moments, I'm not half as nutso as a large portion of the world which is considered "normal". But that's really getting into a question of semantics, so let's not delve there now.

So... My life is at the edge of a cliff, at least in terms of economics, which unavoidably affects everything else.

I'm asking for help from a Higher Power. I cannot name what this entity is, because I do not know it. I am confused and blind.

I was in a place which I saw as corrupt and harmful. I didn't know how to deal with it. Though it had provided me with economic prosperity for 2.5 years, and I got along well with the people there, I felt I could no longer complicitly participate in the farce while others suffered, and my soul gradually rotted away in a cubicle which might soon be vacated anyway, regardless of what I did.

So, taking to my long pastime, I wrote about my frustrations in a transparently metophorical narrative. It was immature. It was silly. But I figured it was all harmless.

At a particularly paranoid and tense moment, after I felt like I had alienated all my other contacts, I tried to reach out to a former coworker via email. There, I wrote about theoretical plans to make "the pigs at the top" pay for their patterns of cruelty. Maybe see if we could make them see what assholes they had been. It was a dumb thing to write.

(However, I still stand by the notion that top corporate executives in many places have been treating a lot of people poorly in many ways, as a long-standing pattern of behavior. I don't think it's something that was by any means exclusive to the company where I worked. In fact, mine was probably better than most. Still, it ain't right.)

Why am I going over this again?

Oh yeah. Isn't it ironic that I find myself just wishing for some job? Any job. Even if it meant swindling the elderly out of their social security, it would be a job, right? I just want to work and earn a paycheck so I can pay the rent, bills, and buy groceries. Quite pathetic, isn't it?

Quite a change from my stance of holding out until those bastards at the top learn to treat people a little better.

In my ideal alternative universe, I wouldn't mind if I lost all my stuff and had to sleep on the sidewalk. As long as I wasn't exherting my energies to support a fundamentally broken machine, I'd be happy. As long as I wasn't involved in writing censorware, my conscience would be clear. As long as I wasn't buying my clothes from stores which outsource to slave labor factories overseas, I could feel that I'm not a party to the injustice.

But as much as I'd like it to be, that's not me. I want to live my nice blissful life, working 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, coming home to my apartment where the environmental controls keep everything comfy year-round. I want to hack at my computer, watch movies, listen to music, see my friends, go to my clubs, and sit on my pillow.

And now, I find that this all might be crumbling down. Why? Because for a few days, the hyper-idealist within me took control. I allowed it. I thought it could lead me in a better direction. It could allow me to become part of the solution, rather than continuing to be part of the problem.

I thought I could do this without causing undue disruption of my life. I thought that with sufficient concentration and focus, I could plot a long-term change in direction without making rash, foolish, ill-conceived mistakes. I was almost right. But somewhere, I slipped.

And now I'm paying the price. Crumbling.

It would all be ok if I had just held my tongue a little tighter during that time, right? I'd still be working where I was, pulling in a paycheck, payong off my debts, buying more gamecube games, and blissfully enjoying all the wonders of the consumer culture. Right?

Or maybe not. Maybe they were planning to lay me off anyway, and I just gave them a convenient excuse to do it sooner and cheaper. How should I know?

Wow... what a tangent.

So, how can I summarize this?

lol.

I realize that I have been basing all sorts of conclusions on some hugely inconsistent assumptions. There are some flaws in my thinking. My self-analysis concludes that I am pretty much sane, but there are some schisms in the mix which are causing me major mental headaches.

Or maybe I just don't want to be homeless in a month.

What do I value most? My friends. This web site. Having food to eat. A cozy place to sleep. (Speaking of sleep, I might need some soon....)

I don't know how things are going to work out. Welcome to the recurring theme.

I want to be strong again. I want to have courage to face whatever comes. I know it sounds cliché, but I want to stand up for what's right.

Bah. What do I know? Tomorrow, I again try to juggle my hours between buildmeasite, looking for a job, and loafing around like a strung out fool.

Going back and reading a bunch of what I just wrote..... Holy crap, what a wandering mess.

I'll repeat my earlier thought. I need help. It seems silly to say, because I've already had so much support from so many people. But to a large extent, the events to come are outside my control, and I'm not even sure what would be best for me, much less others. Therefore, I must defer to the Higher Power, whatever it may be. I'm asking for help and guidance.

I'll invite others who are believers to do so as well. Christians are welcome pray for me if they'd like, even if I'm not into the same exact same form of deity.

Pagans... do your thing. I explicitly give permission for those who are of good will to cast their magic my way if they feel it would be of overall benefit to do so. If not, or if I'm an asshole, then channel your energies elsewhere, where they will go to a better purpose.

I guess all I'm saying is, that I'm in the dumps. Help. Up there, down there. Wherever. Maybe I don't deserve anything. Maybe I do. I don't know.

Whatever fate is to be mine, I must accept it. Help me to do that. Help me to remain in the moment. Help me to live, and not lose my cool. Help to to appreciate the beauty all around me, even when things are hopeless. That's all I can ask. That's all I can do.

Goodnight.