Waking up after my third nap this morning. Fuck, I hate this. I want a job. I want to live. I want to contribute. I want to participate in a meaningful way. But how?

I guess I should just get back to working on buildmeasite for now. I dunno. I'm torn between that and spending my time trying to find something more sustainable in the long term. And then the third thing, which has admittedly been consuming a far greater share of my time than is healthy: Wasting away with useless worry.

Worry about where I'm going to move next month. Will I have money to pay the rent, here or anywhere? What will I do if there is simply nobody who wants to hire a guy like me? Yish. Such thoughts are unproductive, but inevitable.

My mom has suggested that I try to file for unemployment compensation. Maybe I should. I don't know. But I don't WANT that. I don't want to just go and get a stupid government check. I want to EARN my money.

But no. The corporate pigs wouldn't have that. They don't just want people to WORK in exchange for money. They want you to cry and say "Uncle". Pay your penance, take your drug tests, hold public confessionals, show everyone how genuinely sorry you are for your sins, and let them have control. They want us all to do that.

I used the word "pigs". Is this an overstated exaggeration? I go back and forth on whether it is appropriate to use such inflamatory language to describe those who perpetrate corruption. Maybe it is a question of degree, but where do you draw the line?

Is it appropriate to use the word "pigs" to describe the swindlers who gave us Enron and Worldcom? Is it appropriate to use the word "pigs" to describe those who would loot and pillage American radio in pursuit of illusory profits? Is it appropriate to use the word "pigs" to describe employers who layoff dedicated employees -- employees whose only "sins" were that they met or beat each and every deadline that was set before them during Q2 2002? (We won't put a link on that last sentence. ;)

Is it appropriate to use tho word "pigs" to describe George W. and his band of clowns, as they try to distract us by screaming about Iraq, while covering up their own personal involvement in the game of money and deceit? Is it appropriate to use tho word "pigs" to describe Clinton and his cronies, who were no better during their term?

Is it appropriate to use the word "pigs" to describe people who might unwittingly make the whole situation worse by refusing to hire the help that is needed, which not only contributes to worsening economic conditions by adding yet another body to the unemployment pool, but also increases stress on the existing workforce?

Is it appropriate to use the word "pigs" to describe people such as myself, who cancel their cable, stop buying things, and try to put a little money away for the immenent hard times? (Well, wouldn't you start to wonder if you started seeing the cubicles of competent and honest people being emptied? Wouldn't you start to wonder whether yours might be next?) After all, if nobody buys anything, that's going to lead to more shortfalls, and more layoffs all around.

I don't have any answers. I just want to survive. I don't know how it's going to happen. If it came to a point where I was completely out of money, out of options, nobody wanted to hire me, and my stomach was empty, would I steal from the grocery store? Am I even capable of honestly answering that right now?

I don't know. I'm going to get back to work, because the buildmeasite web page builder is overdue for some improvements. I spent most of the day yesterday in a mild hangover, and didn't get a damn thing done. Nothing for my own career, nor on buildmeasite. Shame on me.

Now it's time to pull it together for a while. Focus the mind. That will be good for me, and it might also make scottgalvin.com happy. :)

I'm not generally a Bible quoter, nor do I have any intention of "converting". Still, I occassionally find value in some of the ancient texts. I'll transcribe this from a book Nemo sent to me. Never have these words been more applicable.

"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:24-34

Amen. But I still consider myself a Pagan too. ;)