After half a night of sleep, I can feel the void gradually slipping in. I felt it coming yesterday. And last night. I've known for weeks that this would be inevitable, but somehow, I thought, hoped, that maybe I would be powerful enough to transcend it somehow.

As I spiral into mental meltdown, I know that I cannot prevent what is coming. I might be able to cushion it a little with drugs, mind conditioning, and surrounding myself with good company. But what is coming cannot be prevented. Not completely. I will reap the consequences for my manic ride into heavenly oblivion.

Next stop: Hell.

Is it a good thing that I am no longer employed where I was? I'm having trouble answering it.

On the one hand, it has become clear to me through evidence discovered over the past few days that it was a ridiculously paranoid work environment. What else could explain the blatent disinformation campaign committed against me and some of my former coworkers? In that regard, I would consider it a Good Thing that I'm no longer there. Who wants to work in a place that perpetrates shit like that? In the coming times, I'm going to need a world and a community I can rely on for nurturing support, not one that's going to stab me in the back the instant they suspect I can't be controlled. (And that really is what it's all about: Control.)

OTOH, lack of a stable job sucks. I'll be able to find another one, but it's gonna be some big time adjustment. That's not easy to handle when faced with a potentially deep depression.

How to handle it? Well.... I'm theorizing that I'll be employing very similar techniques to those used during my manic peak of insanity. Depend on the community around me to keep me grounded. While at the wedding, I rediscovered from old friendships, and formed some new ones. Those might be important, but I can't rely too much on them. Friends, especially when known only from a distance, can never be completely 100% trustworthy.

When faced with an unknown or untrustworthy situation, play along. Act. I've done it before, and I can do it again.

And.... in the middle of the night, when it feels like my soul just can't go any further, my music will sometimes provide some kind of pillow for the soul to rest on...

.......

I'm gonna do a semi-repeat of 1 week ago. Lie on the couch and trip out to Janet Jackson music video footage. Or maybe the concert DVD I got waaaaay back on Monday (or Tuesday?), when I was still employed.

Enjoy it while it lasts kids. This world is going to hell.