So yeah, one event inevitably triggers another.

Sometimes last month, I gradually lose my soul sanity to the charms of a truly f-d up video game. You should play it sometime. All of you.

Inhibitions basically tossed to the wind, I decide it's time to take some truly drastic measures regarding sexual satisfaction. Mulling around in the dirt and making pathetic flirting attempts doesn't work. So I seek some truly professional help.

Best decision I made in my life.

Although its ramifications did not consciously reach me immediately, the woman was correct when she told me I would come to appreciate what she shared much more after some time had passed.

Then, the wedding. Meeting with lots of old friends, finding new ones, being repeatedly challenged on a daily basis. And finding that, yes, a new power within me had been unlocked. I had to be careful with it. It was a fun wedding.

During the weekend wedding event, as old friends and I discussed our respective employments, I came to the realization that I was simply not happy in my job anymore. It had a lot of good things going for it, but.... Many of the intangible benefits which existed when I started working there had been lost. The place really didn't have much soul anymore, as least as far as I was concerned.

I started to dread the return to work. But I knew I could get back to the routine, one way or another. At least for a while. But for my long term future, I would need to make plans for a more satisfying way to earn a living.

Returning to work a day late probably didn't help. Well... I would have been utterly incapable of functioning if I had come into the office on the scheduled Tuesday. But really, even going in on Wednesday wasn't much better.

How could I work when I didn't believe in what the company was doing? How could I motivate myself, when in the back of my mind, there was nothing but fear that I would meet the same fate as a bunch of coworkers did at the end of last May? It's especially irksome when you realize that they accomplished every goal that was given to them, and more. What a wonderful reward for hard work.

So.... I muddled around, thinking that maybe after I got some sleep, things would be better.

Things did not get better. Sleep was hard to come by. My life needed to take a new direction, but I didn't want to just abandon my job immediately. I needed time to sort out my future, and remaining in the stability of my job would help me do that.

After a weekend of contemplation, ritual, manic highs, and a few emails (plus tons of web site content), I set my course: Tell the management that I would be leaving in January.

I did so promptly upon entering the office on Monday.

As the days passed, though I was still annoyed, distracted, and short on sleep, I gradually began to get back into the cycle of work. Until Thursday.

On that day, I learned that the company wanted me out immediately. And when I got around to figuring out the deceit that had been perpetrated against me and others, I decided it really wasn't a place I wanted to work. What kind of fucked up personality does it take to forge somebody else's email identity?

I thought these were people I could at least trust to some degree, even if I didn't like everything that was going on. But tricks like that, which are then used as traps... well.... unbelievable. Unconscionable.

This is not a group of people I want to be working with anymore, regardless of the salary or other benefits. (And no, I don't think all of them are doing nasty things like that. Just one or two. But that's really all it takes to sour the pot.)

So.... The impact of now being unemployed continues to seep in. But really, there was no other way things could go.

And then, what next? I can feel my manic wave gradually simmering down as each day passes. That was inevitable. There is no way such an energy can be sustained forever. It's really a marvel I managed to keep some degree of control of it during the most intense moments. Mental discipline. I guess that's what it was. And maybe the knowledge that I needed to go on to hit each next goal.

Garbage. Feed it to me. Please. I beg thee, Shirley. More GARBAGE for my soul! Save me from my shit.

My soul wreathes.

The sonic chaos feels so good sometimes.

How am I going to manage? Under my plan to get a part time job or two in the service industry (or maybe a full time), running the numbers, just paying the rent and monthly bills on this apartment for the next couple months is going to be a stretch. It'll be do-able, but rough. Hopefully I can find something cheaper to move into, and commence transport during the month of November.

(Current goal: Mobile home. At least find what's out there, since the housing market is so good right now. Thank you Ms. Personal Consultant for these lovely ideas.)

Even if jobs are being offered, I want nothing more to do with the software industry until at least next year. (Possible exception: If it's a venture with people I've known a long time, and can trust them to not commit email identity fraud, I might be up for a business venture or two.)

My debt free goal is unlikely to happen this year. I'm going to halt payments on my car until more money comes in. I can do that since I'm way ahead.

I may actually accrue more debt, if a good opportunity for a mobile home deal comes into range. We'll see. I'll have to shop, like I said.

And jobs: Lots of service industry stuff opening up. I just need to find one that's not abusive. (That means NO Wal Mart, and NO Little Caesar's. Does Little Ceasar's even exist anymore? I haven't seen any of them around here for a while.)

Whole Foods Market looks like a good possibility. It's super close to my current residence, which is always a plus. I got a good impression of the work environment based on the employees I observered. (It will probably become improper for me to say this if I do get a job there later, so I'll just get it out here now: The female ones I observed were really pretty, and also very friendly. Mmmmmm....)

Q'Doba is also a possibility. It would be amusing to see former coworkers on a semi-daily basis. Although.... I think there is another one much closer to my current place, so that might be more preferable.

And tons of other opportunities, I'm sure. Somehow, I'd also like to leave enough time for myself to work on things like web page improvements, house hunting, and political candidate interviews. (Yes, I'd like to actually speak with congressional candidates personally this time around if possible; that way, I could really get a better idea whether they would be capable of representing me better than the current crop of idiots in Washington.)

And now, I really need sleep. I'm coming down, down, down from the mental heights of thought. And another wedding reception to attend tomorrow.

The brain goes down.