The doors have locked. It is after 1800. No one has come to visit me personally, because they are too freaked out by my insanity. I don't blame them. But I am glad to have purified the pool from false talk of sympathy and compassion, when behind it, there is much more of the fear and unknown uncertainty about my condition. People who want to speak to me will just talk to me as a person now, instead of trying to shed false tears of sympathy for my pathetic plight. I like this.

Looking at my thermometer now, I can see that it is about 29.1 C in here. I haven't been keeping records of the interior and exterior temperatures at identical intervals each day, but perhaps it would be a good idea. Well, I don't want to delve too far into the realm of obsessive measuring.

I have also learned something from all this: It is HARD -- extremely hard, to keep in contact with friends in other regions via the Internet. They may try to email you occassionally, or you may try to email them, but in different cities (or countries), different people find themselves on such different mind programming environments that trying to share experiences with ones you had known might be even harder and more painful than just letting old friends go for a while.

That is HARD, after having brought such a great group of people together for the big wedding last weekend. They just all have to let one another go, or else suffer the pain of knowing that someone else's life experience has become so completely different than yours, you can barely relate to it.

Linknoid communicated with me this weekend. He had been listening to what I had been saying on my web site, even if it did not make sense to him. I admire such honesty.

The other one, who I had talked to earlier in the week: Nemo. He had offered to send some books on his form of prayer, since I had exrpessed genuine interest in his ideas during the Sunday night after Jaeger and Gem left.

Feeling exhausted at the time, I told him that he could send them, but I would barely have time to read them. I promised 10 minutes with each one, and I would send him a summary of whatever I found during those 10 minutes.

I may have made a promise to Yanthor a week ago that I'm just now remembering. He had asked for possible places to look for more online info regarding Buddhist meditation practices. I couldn't give him any at the time, but said I could email him those addresses. I'll have to remember to keep that promise.

The bride and groom..... Well, I saw a bunch of them on the Thursday before the wedding. We hang out together, and had lots of fun while they showed me Longview.

But by Friday, thinks got much busier. Families were showing up, extended relatives, and all sorts of strangers I had never seen before, but quickly learned to make friends with. Too much to summarize, but I remember most of it if I focus and bring my mind back.

Saturday. Well... That's their church day. I felt awkward, but I did the best I could to get along in this now foriegn culture. Then, in the midst of picking up and dropping people off, my friends among the group provided me an easy way to get off by myself for a while.

I thought about going higher into nature, but decided I would have myself a small taste of the city here. It felt much different -- more friendly and trusting -- than my home city, so I enjoyed wandering into a few thrift shops to find some pretty nice consumer items for only $1 each. Wow. A big bottle of shampoo costs a lot more than that here.

I found a small record shop that appealed to the bottom of my longing soul. It prominently displayed music almost forgotten to me. Bands with names like, "Savatage", "Motley Crue", "Bon Jovi", and others.

I saw a disc recorded by Geoff Tate. Geoff Tate?!?! He has a solo career now? How come I never knew that? I never saw this at Best Buy! Or was it there, and I had just stopped paying attention because of all the mindless noise that flooded the ends of the isles. I don't know.

Then, there was a back room labeled Freaks Only. I journied into it, and found some interesting stuff. Hardcore music. This place was all about music. Some of it was groups I had been hearing a bit of at the club back home. Non-mainstream. But fun. Lords of Acid.

The prices for discs here were $20 for most. I hadn't seen this inflationary spiral on cds, but I had heard about it over the net from people I thought should just quit trippin and buy their Britney from Best Buy for $13/disc like I did.

Mindgames are happening here, kids. Different pricings on equivilant items in different parts of the country. I don't really understand it myself. But it's kinda wierd.

I know now that I've been silently watching which people enter and leave my complex. They are moving new people in now. A wave of people moved out last month. This kind of jars me on a subtle neural level, but I must not behave as a caged animal unless I want to be treated like one.

I can taste a lot of smoke in my apartment now. Opening my windows helps. That didn't used to be true. I used to be annoyed with going outside, because I could still smell bits of cigarette air leftover from my downstairs neighbors, even if they had gone back in the house. So much for enjoying the porch view in the evening.

I was thinking last night that maybe the new couple would like to live across the way from me. That was before my air started tasting much fouler. I don't like it here at all. I don't like how this world is shaping me.

I don't like the fact that five people I called coworkers before my trip to San Antonio have all pretty much disappeared from my radar. I used to see them daily, and pretty much trusted all of them. It is getting harder to trust.

If I were someone who had been living out in Longview all their lives, enjoying the peace and sunshine of the region, I would probably think that the self that sits unsteadily in the chair back here at home is losing his mind, and needs to be put in a clinic. I have thought about checking in at one, actually, but this weekend, I felt safer at home.

I have decided that I have mostly figured out my short term course in life. Well, short term in a relative sense. I'm going to walk into the office of the VP of engineering tomorrow, and calmly inform him of my plan. I plan to be leaving my job around January. If he wants to look for a replacement for me, he will have a few months to search. Frankly though, I am doubting I will need one.

They didn't need the other engineers and programmers? What's the big deal if just one more gets lost. We have been successfully taught that we are very much expendable. So I am going to expend myself.

If one of my former coworkers, any of whom may or may not read this, want to try to get an interview for my position, I'll be happy to throw in a professional peer recommendation. [smirk]

I have to tell the people who I am renting my apartment from that the air is stinky inside, and could they please change my air filter? Given how awful it smells in here right now, I think tomorrow during lunch might be a good time to take care of that bit of business.

It is literally sick air. Pollutted everywhere. It may not have helped that I tried opening all my windows and deck last night. This may have brought in some pollutants. I don't know.

My lease is up in two months. I'll either go month to month for a couple months after that, or just pack my big items into a storage locker somewhere, and live my life from Tobias. I can sleep in him. He is comfy. He may be my home soon.

I also have other forms of debt to pay. Though meeting the financial obligations may be difficult, and put me into a stretch, I am willing to meet the challenges ahead. (Shit. I am starting to talk like a CEO. "meet the challenges ahead". That's a nice load of slime words.)

I want to again meet with the woman who took the emotional pollutants from me, and surrounded my skin with love. THAT is what I call therapy!

I want to go to her and surround her with my love, because I could feel she was running low last time. But she gave me every drop she could nonetheless. And she wasn't paranoid. That demonstrates a calm mind.

The other one I tried to talk to, who told me she could not meet with me, and outlined exact reasons why. She taught me a new respect. What she told me not only means that she is truly beautiful, but that there are men out there who would prey upon her. They must not be allowed to do so.

I know that deeper, lower primal instincts are kicking in. I am being taught jealousy, because Mother Nature has programmed me to think in this manner. I am almost not my own vessel anymore, but somewhere, I think I still am.

I will be assessing my finances during the next two months. If I think I have enough extra money, I may pay Qwest to install a landline in my apartment. I will keep this landline up until I call her. This will be the land line's only use.

Although... shit, what a stench pit this place is now, even though I have been relatively neat in my chaos this weekend. I almost can't stay conscious, there is so much nicotine in this air. Or some other substance of which I am not aware. But I will be calm at work tomorrow, because the air will be better there. But I'll have to leave it in a few months anyway.

I'll be traveling in Tobias to my old haunt tonight. I've been wanting to meat with real people with real flesh and bones all weekend. Somehow, I suspect there might be a few who I will recognize on this night.

If there are not, and the DJ's are still attempting to turn it into the black "pound the audience to death" stench pit of Friday night, I will leave. That's that.

I would also like to take a few more walks, and breath a little more fresh air. That will help me calm my mind.

I'll go to my meditation tomorrow night again. In Boulder. I like that place.

After I get home from that, I will join IRC. Let's see who shows up at mass irc this time.

Ok, this one is over...

Gotta prepare myself for the ladies. I have survived a weekend-long insanity trip through heaven and hell. Now it's time to get out of here and feel the city again.