Still reeling from the impact of this morning's events, I feel the need to set some sort of new direction while caught in the midst of changing circumstances.

Even as my stereo bathes me in the grooves of an "artist" (or act) I discovered a few months ago titled Hungry Lucy, I find myself thinking with great wonder and concern about the future. I am now unemployed. It's an experience that is simultaniously relieving and frightening.

It's relieving because I was frankly becoming very tired of my job there. That's not to say I didn't like my coworkers. They were great. I just wasn't liking the work anymore. What else can be said? Now I can find something else to do with my life.

Frightening? Yes.

I'm not so terribly worried about finding another job. I think those are coming with the holiday season. If nothing else pops up, I should be able to find at least a temporary minimum wage position somewhere, maybe working at the mall. Maybe better. It's going to be holiday season soon, which usually means stores are in need of short term help. These coming months will not be easy, but I will survive.

More frightening to me is the possibility of frivolous litigation against myself for some of the things I have written. I don't think anyone is going to try to harm me, but since I am now in a very vulnerable position financially, it would be very dificult to even try to defend myself in front of a judge, regardless of any merits in my defense.

Well... Current plan: I'm leaving everything on this web site as is, and if someone out there feels their legal rights have been violated by something I said, they can have their lawyer send me a summons. In the unfortunate event that this occurs, maybe a settlement can be negotiated. (It's not like I have many assets which would be terribly valuable to big lawyers. Well, there is my car, my computer, my stereo. I suppose those could be taken. My web site forcefully shut down. The thought rips my heart apart, but it could happen.)

Well, let's not let paranoia get the upper hand immediately. Must stay sane.

This brings me to the third fear: The thought of losing my own fragile mind. I've mostly kept my mental facilities under control so far, although the insanity has occassionally flaired up so intensely that it made other people get scared. In my own perception, I was consistently keeping a grip on life. Even while allowing my mind to take its manic journey into oblivion, I was keeping myself grounded enough to prevent harm to anyone. That's how I saw it. But others didn't see it that way. That's why I'm not employed now.

So.... I think some kind of medical / psychiatry consultation would be beneficial. But I need it to be with doctors I can trust. I can't go seeking out strangers for that now. I may try to work something out with some of the ones I knew in the Boulder County system. Even though I am no longer a resident there, hence no longer qualified to see them through the county medical establishment, there should be some way to work something out. I'll have to see what can be done.

What will happen? More lithium. Possible therapy. Yada yada.

Hmmmm.. Should I still say this next part of my commitment? Yes. I should. I still intend to pay 1 more visit to a consultant I saw regarding my sexual issues. One visit will probably be all, though more would be fun. This visit will be motivated more out of gratitude than want. The first time, I was the one who wanted, and she shared. Next time, I'd like to share a little bit back, if she wants to take a little. Although I certainly plan to enjoy it too. :)

It's just the honorable thing to do.

Ya, ya'll think I'm a kook. So be it.

Anyway.... I'm way short on sleep. Maybe I'll have a brief nap now. Can't sleep too long though. I gotta find a job soon!