This morning, Argo gradually nudged my brain into grudging consciousness, slowly fading in the music as she always does. I ignored it as long as I could, unwilling to emerge from my dreamland. This was everyday. This was expected. This was the usual, ordinary routine. I finally dragged myself out of bed, checked email, and hopped in the shower. While I was waking up, the world outside was being plunged into unprecedented, unthinkable events two timezones away.

One hour later, I was in the car, switching to my usual morning station, KGNU. Brain still fuzzy, I heard the BBC. It took a few minutes before I started really listening to what they were talking about. It took a few more for my brain to believe what my ears were hearing. Orson Welles came to mind. I heard the voice of the president. This was not a media prank. By the time I got to work and parked, I just stopped, listening and still unable to grok it all.

Inside the office door, I heard the sound of a newsfeed softly emanating from a cubicle. Otherwise, the place was silent. I walked to my cube, and tried to bring up cnn.com. DNS lookup failure. "We must be having connection problems again." Try slashdot. It loaded immediately.

The headline at the top of the page confirmed it. This was serious. A general mainstream news topic getting coverage from Slashdot.

Coworkers gathered in the aisles between cubes, sharing bits of info that they managed to find. A mass email announcement from the CEO regarding what had happened, and informing everyone that a room had been setup with a tv, where anyone who wanted to could watch the broadcast coverage.

I went there with a group of others, and witnessed a barrage of images unfolding which just kept getting worse. (Initially, what was even more shocking was the lack thereof. Even the reporters were largely at a loss, since they didn't really know anything either. All happening in the span of a couple hours, two crashes, both trade center buildings obliterated, the pentagon, then that other plane later, with other planes unaccounted for several hours. Hard to keep up.)

I think what hit me the hardest of all was the broadcast reaction of the people in the streets of Palestine. Thousands of (or who knows how many) human beings were dead, burned, odphaned, suddenly jobless, breathing in soot, trying to find out whether those they loved were still alive, and these fuckwit MORON pieces of SHIT celebrated in the streets throwing candy around.

My initial reaction inside: Whether or not they or their leaders are actually responsible, the world would be better off if they were no longer a part of it. Not about race. Not about religion. Not even about who did it, but about those who would gleefully celebrate over the misery of others. Flatten them.

Well, I did calm down a bit since then. :)

Went back to my cube, read more slashdot, attempted to get some token bit of work done (wasn't highly successful at that), and listened to some Loreena McKennitt on the jukebox (which did do wonders for my nerves).

Went to eat lunch at Noodles with a couple coworkers. Even still, I was just itching with restlessness. (How much was because of the events, and how much was because I had consumed two bottles of Bawls on my way out the door in the morning in an attempt to wake up was uncertain. Morning Bawls is not routine.)

I barely remember most of the afternoon. I guess a lot of it was spent reading slashdot comments and seeing more horrific images (and some curiously interesting satellite ones) pour in via web channels. Occassionally, I joined some of the "gatherings" to talk about things. Lots of trips to the restroom, partly because I had to expel the water I had been nerviously drinking like a loon, and partly because I was just so... restless. Walking around was good.

After work, I reluctantly went to Best Buy to see if they had a specific movie called The Siege. I felt slightly guilty to be seeking out entertainment for myself during such a situation, but I went anyway. (At least it was open. I heard Flatirons mall had been closed.)

When I entered the store, the scene was eerie. It was mostly vacant. A few customers perusing the aisles, but not like usual at all. There was not the buzz of hype and sales present around every corner. Immediately inside the door, the sound of news was readily audible (since the rest of the place was silent). A tv near the entrance which usually plays nonstop commercials the latest gizmo had NBC news turned up loud.

After pausing to watch for a few seconds I headed straight to the dvd section, and found that they had many copies of the one I wanted. I picked it up, carried it to the front, took another deep breath to take in the scene around me. There were 3 checkouts open. None of them had any customers or lines.

The clerk who scanned my movie and took my money was visibly holding back tears. I silently wondered whether she knew anybody near the catastrophes, or if she, like me, was just absolutely taken aback by the insanity of what was happening.

I walked out of the store, and once again felt a tinge of self-disgust. Why, at a time like this, is my first reaction to go out and get a movie, especially the one I selected. In watching a Hollywood production which portrayed a story crazily similar to these events, do I somehow trivialize the very real heartbreak and pain the country is experiencing?

I told myself that we all have our own ways of coping, and this is mine. I was not doing, nor had I done, anything wrong. It worked fairly well.

I listened to more news on the way home. A press conference by the Secretary of Defense, where he stated that they do plan to bring the Pentagon back into operation tomorrow. A reported asked what reassurances he could give to employees of the Pentagon that they could come to work without facing further danger in the morning. The brutal honesty of his answer moved me.

[rough paraphrase] "It is simply not possible to guarantee defense against every type of attack, at every place, all the time. The people who come to work do so voluntarily, and they know the risks."

Ok, so his wording was more eloquent and sharp than that. But that was the idea.

More bone-chilling coverage of a woman who had witnessed people jump out the windows of the buildings, "and I guess they were just trying to save their lives, I don't know."

Too much. Too much.

I got home, turned on the tv, and saw another unheard of scene. Congressional representitives, assebled on the steps in front of the Capitol, singing "God Bless America". Then hugging one another.

I don't know where this is all going. Now I'm having tears. I want to listen to the president in a bit.

Over and out.