Two movielog entries currently in the queue. I thought I'd do a little ramble just for the fun of it before I finish them up and post them.

Another lazy weekend. This seems to be a trend with me lately. I don't think it's healthy, at least to the degree I have been. Sitting in the house, not venturing outside a single time the entire day. A messy room. Uncleaned. Random crap scattered everywhere. Spending a little more time than any sane person would on ridiculously shallow but somehow mind-numbingly addictive websites.

"Why?" I ask myself. "Why" Why not get some sunshine, now that it's out again? Or, if I prefer to stay in the house, why not write some code, or clean up this goddamn room? Why not write a story? A poem? Make something cool in Gimp. Anything!

But no. I reload slashdot. Reload k5. Check the submission queue. Get bored with that. Surf a little porn. Fall asleep. Dream a dream or five (I can't remember what anymore, but I know there was content passing through my head). Wake up. Check what time it is. Head returns to pillow. Back to sleep for another hour. Wake up again. Shower. While in the shower, think long and hard about what my life is, where it's been, and what it could become.

Take the DVD player for a spin. The high point of the day. I had moved it into the family room last night so everyone else could comfortably watch too. It's still there.

I am frustrated with my patterns of behavior. I describe them here, but I don't want to get into the mode of beating up on myself, since that only tends to make things worse. Rather, I want to try to understand why it is that I do what I do. What motivates my actions?

With a few exceptions, most of my actions seem to occur as part of some sort of autopilot program, the source code to which I either cannot see, or cannot comprehend. It is possible (though not easy) to engage manual control, but only for brief fleeting periods of time, and even that requires great effort. Usually, it's most likely to happen in the wake of some great catastrophy. At these times, I am forced to wake up, grab hold of the controls, and plot a course to safety. Then, gradually, the mind's focus disengages, and I return to a state of not so blissful drifting.

I am searching for something, but I am not finding that deeper meaning. Perhaps this is because I do not know what it is that I am searching for. If only the question could be narrowed down to something simple, encapsulated in a metaphor, then maybe I would be able to understand the world, and in doing so, understand myself. "What is the Matrix?"

Music. Music is one of life's greatest gifts. There are times when I do nothing less crave a particular song. While I was in the shower today, I was thinking about this one. I haven't heard it in a while, but it sticks in my memory. In this case, it's probably more memorable because of the lyrics to the song than the musical composition, although I like that too.

(In this case, I'll transcribe using the same capitalization as Tori's handwritten lyrics, although unfortunately, I won't be able to reproduce the handwriting itself.)

Funny. I just typed those without actually listening to the song just now. I don't need to. It's in my head.

Does this rambling have a point, and if so, why don't I get to it? Of course not! It's all part of the style of aimless foolishness. No design. No real destination. Only faint, scattered whimpers of a strange existence. Kind of like life, in a way.

During the last session, over a week ago, my therapist gave me a homework assignment. It is turning out to not be easy. I have spent the past week with it in my head off and on, but I have made little substantial headway. I know that it would be good for me to complete it, but this stuff is hard. The possible answers I have come up with have scared me. I don't know what to do.

I am not crazy.

I was not crazy two months ago.

I was not crazy one year ago.

I am a human being. Aren't we all?

(At this point, it would be fitting for me to transcribe the complete lyrics to Madonna's "Human Nature", but since we've already had one complete lyric so far this rambling, I will not do so.)

This has been an interesting rambling. It has been for me, at least. Maybe everyone reading it has been bored to death, in which case, I would question the sanity of anyone who continues to read. I think I'll listen to a song or two, and then get back to typing movielog entries.