I think I'm going to have several things to discuss with my therapist and doctor in next week's appointments, none the least of which would be this inability to sleep at times like now, followed by excessive tiredness during the workday.

I've been thinking again about the events of the past few weeks and months. Even after I think my mind has resolved things, it inevitably jumps backs into this infinite (sometimes torturous) loop.

I can look at one piece of the picture, and draw a reasonable set of conclusions based on one event or series of events. Then I say to myself, "Okay, this is how things are. I can ascribe these attributes to such-and-such, and things make sense."

My mind is then at peace with the world, UNTIL at another part of the whole. I take the previously defined conclusions, and try to apply them again with this other piece of the picture in mind. Guess what? My set of conclusions about how things are no longer make any sense.

So I compose a new worldview based on this new piece, while still trying to keep in mind the previous portion of the whole. I come up with something that doesn't grossly violate either, but it is not a perfect fit for either of them individually. Oh well. At least it works, and keeps me with a mental view of the world which I can handle.

But then, go back in memory, and dig out a third piece. Add in new information from the present, and you've got a forth. Take into account something else that was momentarily forgotten, and you've got another.

Try to come up with one set of conclusions which makes sense in all these contexts. It can't be done.

The best I've been able to do is hop from one piece to the next, draw up something based on what is currently in the cache, and move on, readjusting things as I go along. The problem with this is that I've wound up flip-flopping, often between polar opposites, and doing so repeatedly. I can't make up my mind. Then I wonder if I'm going nuts.

Then, at a time like a few minutes ago, I step back, and do my best to look at all of the whole (although I doubt that truly doing such a thing is really possible). It is then that I must realize the hard truth: There is no spoo^H^H^H^H solution.

REALITY does not make sense. I cannot say, "such-and-such IS such-and-such," and have it work in all cases. The more I try to do so, the more frustrated I make myself, because there can always be found a case where the statement is proven false. This leads to my lack of faith in my own sanity.

Now that I've babbled incoherently to the point of making readers tune out, I'll just say that this pattern of thought described applies especially to... recent events in my life. It may not make sense at other times.

There. That was a perfectly odd bit of obscure wording. Back to bed.