Not much of anything of substance to say, but I figured it's been a few days since I rambled, so maybe it's time to attempt to make an attempt.

"attempt to make an attempt." What a lovely sentence.

Sometimes I wonder how I ever manage to produce one of these things every day, often for weeks on end. Right now, the thought of coming up with anything fresh and original to say at such frequency seems unfathomable. Maybe that's just it -- maybe most of what I say here is neither fresh nor original.

Well.... activities for the past few days. There have been a bunch, I suppose. I'll list them briefly.

• Saturday -- Went to Pearl Street, where I purchased some "religous" materials, and went to the kite store where I was seduced by the juggling, yoyo, and bouncy ball distractions for use in cube land.
• XWP
• Sunday -- Sat around all day and got absolutely nothing of value accomplished.
• Monday -- In the evening, I attended a guided meditation session and an intro to Buddhism class (topic: impermanence) at the Boulder Shambhala Center.
• Met with various people on IRC after returning to the Compound.
• Tuesday -- Went to Target for a few supplies I had forgotten the first time, then to the rec center to exercise, swim, hot tub. (I think I'm starting to figure out a possible routine. The muscles in my arms still hurt from last night, and my jogging endurance requires much improvement.)
• Tonight -- Nothing especially crazy. I set Argo to downloading more Farscape episodes from Ziyal (currently in progress), and almost immediately afterwards I went to sleep. Woke up. Ate some potato. Watched a Farscape episode. Listened to a bit of music. Read some more of the Dalai Lama's writings. And here we are.

So as you can see, my life has not been completely without activity during the past few days. I simply have not felt the complusion to expound about every detail.

Oh, and I've also been reading my Noam Chomsky book. I showed it to my dad last night. I should have known this beforehand: big mistake. After he had read just a couple paragraphs, the ranting and rebutting started... You just don't want to get him going on stuff like that. Trust me.

As far as moods go, I've been sleepy a lot lately. I'll blame the lithium for that, although I think I would do better to get more sleep. (I still haven't been taking my "full" doses yet, even of the new improved stuff. The very thought of what sort of coma I might go into if I did scares me.)

The "dark thoughts" have been nipping at the edges of my psyche relentlessly, especially when I am alone. I do my best to try to keep them from taking over. (As long as they don't totally dominate my mind, reading seems to help that, incidentally.)

I'm scheduled for another therapist appointment tomorrow evening. THAT should be interesting. It seems like it's been an eternity since last week.

My first "real doctor" trip comes on Monday. Can't say I'm looking forward to it too much. I'm scared they're going to want to ramp up my dosage, which could reach the point of impeding my ability to do my job at work. I don't want to break down and become an invalid. Not at this point in my life. Not now.

...

I wonder if I can ever be forgiven.

...

"SHUT UP, you stupid, whining crybaby! This is NO time to start playing some silly victim. You get what you deserve, every bit of it! Stop it! Stop it! Don't be mad at yourself. There's NO reason for it. You're not doing anybody ANY good. So stop! Stop! Stop! STOP!"

And, at that point, I either manage to actually "stop" by calming myself, and focus on something better, or....

The line of logic could go into another cycle for the worse, increasing its intensity, self hatred, and disgust. Usually, after a few iterations, it goes beyond a level that can adequately be expressed verbally. At which point -- if conditions permit -- one might physically collapse, roll up into a ball, and/or inflict physical harm.

If it continues, suicidal wishes -- suicidal visions -- begin. Sometimes, those can actually be interesting enough to bring one back out of it. If not, the agony might persist for a few minutes, and eventually die off. Or, in worst case, it could actually lead to truly contemplating the practical steps necessary to permanantly end one's own consciousness.

...

But, like I said, these last few days, I've been keeping it mostly at bay. The thoughts have only been surfacing when I am alone, either at home or in the car. And they have ended at "Stop." At which point I have managed to make myself return to some semblence of peace.

In this period, I'm not really even certain how much of this is truly due to my "condition", how much of it is part of the grieving process, and how much is natural guilt associated with that grief (among other things). Grrrrrr.

And WHY do I babble about all this right here, right now? Cause it's at the tip of my brain, I guess.

I think I'll go to bed. Sorry if this first rambling in days wasn't all peaches, cream, and happy entertainment. Goodnight.