Friday evening begins. Friday evening underway. Contemplations of weekend activity on the brain. Reading? Definitely. 'Twould not be wise to blow off a mentor-assigned study hall at this juncture. ;) A movie or two? Perhaps. It might be a good idea to get the code for my movielog submission system working on Argo, since I still haven't been able to make an entry for last week's movie yet. XWP? Well, of course! Heehee.

Looking back on this week... The last "normal" acting class before the performance. (Oh yeah! It probably wouldn't hurt to rehearse that a bit more in the next couple of days.) Work, mindless work. And of course, there was the deed I most regret.

Rarely can I say that I wholeheartedly regret some action I have taken. There are mistakes, of course, but usually there is at least some simi-constructive reason that they were made. My speeding ticket last week, for example. I can say I wish I hadn't gotten the ticket, and had I known the cop was going to be there, I wouldn't have drove so fast. But I cannot say that there was utterly no merit to what I was doing. I was going fast (a) because I wanted to get home sooner, and (b) because going fast is a thrill. Therefore, I cannot say that I'm fully regretful. I am less likely to go shooting down the road at breakneck speed in the future, because I have had a first hand taste of the negative consequences. Still, the positives have not been eliminated. Such is the case with almost every decision I have made in life, even the things I would do differently if given the situation again.

This week saw one of those rare exceptions. Where I look back, and I can see absolutely no redeeming merit to something I've done. Yes, in case it isn't obvious, I am indeed referring to the mentor topic. Nothing positive for anyone in what I did.

But then I go back and ask myself, Would I still feel the same way if the result had been different? What if my mentor, at the snap of a finger, had said, "Not a problem. You're forgiven. To err is human, sticks and stones... etc etc etc." Would I have gone through these convulsions of agony? I highly doubt it. (An even WORSE hypothetical scenario: What if my mentor had REWARDED such awful behavior? What would my response be then? You may laugh -- that is, you would if you knew what I was talking about -- but I'm serious. It ain't that uncommon in this world for such a thing to happen. Scary.)

At that revelation, I have to question where it is my ethics really come from. Is what I am exibhiting more of a trained psychological response conforming to behaviorist theory than a formation of a truly ethical conscience? A tough question that I'm not yet certain how to answer.

I think I can say that I am sorry for reasons beyond my own selfish wants. When I realized the degree of damage my words had caused, I wanted that damage to be healed. This independent of whether or not my mentor would choose to part ways. I think I realized just how much damage I had really done because of my mentor's extreme reaction. Without it, I would have remained largely unaware that I had even affected another in such a way, and so would have been prone to do more damage in the future. Probably without even knowing it.

So.... "Sorry just because of the punishment, or sorry for the crime itself?"

Well, if you must know: Both, really. In this case, the punishment actually lead me to understand the true extent of the crime. When I realized how much hurt it had caused because of these consequences, then I was able to have true remorse. If that makes sense.

I have a good mentor. I say that as the moisture in my eyes increases. I still have a good mentor, though I by no means do I deserve one after this. Thank God, Goddess, and Warrior Princess of Hell. There is still much damage to repair. Let Nature do the rest.

Never again. Ever. That's a solemn vow.

Well, I think I'll read some more out of my book. Might even rent a DVD I referenced last night. We'll see though. Weekend.