And ya know what the funniest thing is? I have NOTHING silly to say.

I knew that wouldn't make sense, but I typed it anyway.

So, yes. Ahem. Getting down to some serious business. I am now faced with contemplating whether or not to take advantage of the latest "benefit" being offered at work. Oh, don't get me wrong. It sounds like a great deal. It's just that I've never really had to think about this kind of shit before, and now that it's been put right in front of my face, it's kind of like, "Ahhhh, well... Who me?... Nah, dude, no way!" I'm sure everyone's wondering now: "What the hell is he talking about?" So I'll get to the point. (And no, no psychotic drugs have been ingested here today.)

As part of the ongoing effort to attract and retain a qualified workforce, employees now get the option of having legal consultation, representation, and advice from an attorney available on demand. For a small flat monthly fee, of course, which can be automatically deducted from the paycheck. (And yes, small is the key word, compared to what you'd normally pay for a lawyer.)

Yep, they'll review any legal documents, represent you if the evil IRS ever decides to give you an audit (a real possibility for someone in my line of work, given the near impossible to decipher and bizarre tax rules surrounding stock options), and even go to traffic court to fight those speeding tickets. And there's also huge discounts on representation in civil and criminal cases for members of this program. It sounds like an excellent deal, and I'm sure it is.

See, the thing is: I have never needed a lawyer before. Why should I need one now? And it's not just that I have never needed one. I have taken pride in not needing one. Certainly not for everyday affairs.

Perhaps it's folly, but I like to believe that one can go through life without needing legal counsel to look over one's shoulder every step of the way. That if people, in general, act in good faith -- if society as a whole can be mature enough to trust one another -- then maybe we wouldn't need to hire lawyers under any but the most dire of circumstances.

See, as a general rule, I don't like what lawyers have done do this country. Ya know all those stupid warning labels that appear on virtually every consumer product available? ("Warning: If you are stupid enough to stick this fork up your ass, you deserve whatever you get.") Guess who we have to thank? Lawyers. And what about those redundant disclaimers that appear on every software license, even the GPL? Again, lawyers. And my favorite: This ongoing trend to harrass webmasters that might be infringing on somebody's trademark, because the law says the companies HAVE to pursue potential infringers or risk losing the right to the trademark. How stupid is that? And do you know what kind of people are behind such nonsense? That's right. Lawyers.

So anyway, I'm of the general belief that if people would stop running to a judge every time they have a little quarrel with their neighbor ("Mommie, he's not being nice to me!"), we'd all be a lot better off. I somehow suspect that by driving around town with a badge taped to my car (Really, literally. I'm serious!) that effectively says "I've got legal coverage, so don't fuck with me.", I would not only be contributing to the problem, but maybe even asking to get into trouble.

Yeah, they say it's for "protection", but so do gun owners. (Oh no, I wasn't meaning to ignite a flamewar, but with those words, I can just see it coming.) Regardless of gun laws, or lack thereof, somehow, I don't think walking down the street brandishing a loaded 45 for "protection" is going to garner a lot of public trust. Sure, people might run screaming, and not many would want to confront me, but by bearing a weapon, I have automatically made myself a threat, hence, a pontential target if I ever turn my back.

OTOH, if I go out on a walk (which I might just really do in a minute or so here :) ), bearing no weapon, then by a certain logic, I leave myself vulnerable. Yes, a mugger could come along and try to steal my wallet. Yes, I could be attacked by a psycho killer. Given the neighborhood here, I don't think it's very likely, but you never know. (Now old Millenium episodes start creeping into my brain.) The point is, that if I did carry a gun, while it might provide me with some temporary security, the rise in the general paranoia level would increase greatly, especially if all the residents started adopting such a practice. Before long, the safety of everybody (including myself) is decreased. With all the guns, potential for accidents or cases of mistaken identy rises.

(And please, people, do not misinterpret this to mean that I advocate gun control. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I am simply stating the logic behind a choice I have made for myself as an individual. At the same time, I'm also trying to draw a metaphor from all this, and probably failing miserably at it.)

Back to the original discussion, which is the offered legal services. lol. I do go on tangents sometimes, don't I?

Of course, on the other side of it, there is the defense from shit like IRS audits, which could be useful insurance. Of course, there's an element in that which also sickens me. Beyond the obvious tyranny of current tax law ("let's screw anybody who tries to earn a buck"), it is a sad commentary on our government when the only people entitled to protection from such unjust laws are the very wealthy, or those who choose to enter the service of a corporation. Same goes for having lawyers to fight your traffic tickets, or any other charge, for that matter. Equal under law, my ass. Welcome to the real world.

Philosophical issues aside, being the sellout that I am, I am considering taking advantage of this service. Although, even when looked at from a purely short term, self-centered viewpoint, I'm not sure it makes sense for me. I've never needed a lawyer before, and don't plan to do anything that would make me need one in the future. Even the small fee doesn't seem worth it if I never take advantage of the service. Ok, I must admit that running over those annoying bikers does hold a certain appeal. ;)

So anyway, I'll have to think about it. Something in my gut just says, "This is not the way to go. This is not the way you want to live your life." But thinking about it rationally, having a little insurance, and at a price at where I'd barely even notice the money was missing... it does sound sensible. I mean, come on! I spend more on soda in any given week. So yes, definitely something to think about.

There. I've had my silly little rant. I'm going for a brief walk.