Ok, this is actually a part 2, even though it doesn't indicate anything about it in the title. But I didn't really say much of substance in part 1, so if you want to get right to the meat, this is the place. OTOH, if you want to see all the irrelevant garbage that it took in order to work up to this point, better go back a notch.

On the subject of *sigh* mating:

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. That movie brought back why I hated it in high school. All the stupid rituals, the deception, the pressure to conform to a certain mode of thought. I wanted no part of it. Yes, there was a girl I liked. I now believe that one of the reasons that relationship (if it could even be called that. probably not.) ended up such a misfire was because of my refusal to participate in the customary shit that seems to be required for such things to happen.

At ucollege.edu, I found the situation no better. Of course, the difference there was that I personally never even found anybody I was really attracted to enough to even bother. Still, I observed others engaging in the rituals, and was not envious. Alright, maybe I was envious at times, but when I saw what others had to go through in order to be in "relationships", I thought, "No way. No thanks. I'm happier single."

Now, seeing it through the window of the life of someone else who still attends there (with all regards, and all apologies, to he who writes the daily journals), I still don't think I would want any part of it. It's just.... yuck.

I again refer to the song "Mother" by Tori Amos, which I shall now play for my own entertainment, now that disc 1 of the NIN cd has ended. For everyone else's fun, I shall also post the lyrics in their entirity (although the real essence of the song can only be felt through the awesome piano work and vocals on the cd, along with the words).

go go go go now
out of the nest
it's time
go go go now
circus girl
without a safety net
here here now
don't cry
you raised your hand for the assignment
tuck those ribbons under your helmet
be a good soldier

first my left foot
then my right behind the other
pantyhose running in the cold

mother the car is here
somebody leave the light on
green limosine
for the redhead
dancing
dancing girl
and when i dance for him
somebody leave the light on
just in case i like the dancing
i can remember where i come from

i walked into your dream
and now i've forgetten how to dream my own dream
you are the clever one aren't you
brides in veils for you
we told you all of our secrets
all but one
and don't you even try
the phone has been disconnected
dripping with blood
and with time
and with your advice
poison me against the moon

mother the car is here
somebody leave the light on
black chariot for the redhead
dancing
dancing girl

he's gonna change my name
maybe you'll leave the light on
just in just in case
i like the dancing
i can remember where i come from

i escape into
your escape into
our very favority fearscape
it's across the sky
and across my heart
and i cross my legs
oh my
god

first my left foot
then my right behind the other
breadcrumbs lost under the snow

oh mother
oh mother the car is here
here
maybe
maybe you'll leave the light on
oh
for the
for the
for the
dancing girl
he's gonna change my name
maybe you'll leave the light
just in case i like the dancing
i can remember wher i come
come
from

mother
mother
mother

Ok. While the song is obviously written from a feminine perspective, I can so grok the feeling. I mean, it's like you go into this, and it's like you're just signing your life away. The fuck with who you are. Who you were. Get involved with someone, and kiss your identity behind. No thanks.

That, and all the silly, stupid little games. Shit. I really hate that.

So, why did I put that little item on my New Year's resolution? Was I drunk at the time? Running on a sleep-deprived brain? Temporarily insane? Needing to be hit over the head with a clue-by-four? Or maybe I'm just even more idealistically delusional about such things than Ally McBeal herself.

Well, some shit I said (or wrote, really) earlier this week about "biological necessity" has me wondering what the hell I'm trying to do here. What was it Calisto said in that episode? Second season. It's been so long I can barely remember it. Mabye a search engine would help me get it right... brb.

Hahaha. Google is so cool!

"Love is a trick that nature plays to get us to reproduce. I want no part of it."
--Callisto

lol. Now THERE'S a notable quotable.

So now I feel like I'm going in circles. We're back to the fucking assumption again. No, I don't mean that as an adjective. Oh grrrr. Reword: Now we're back to the assumption about fucking again. Better?

Well, I would like to believe that this whole thing would be about something more. Perhaps that's a naive assumption. Well, like I said, maybe I've just got a little too much of that Ally-esque idealism up my ass. Besides, if some fictional character in a show can buy into a pipe dream, why can't I? lol. :)

So, proceeding on that assumption, what would be a fitting plan of action? (For clarity, since I feel that I'm skipping from here to there in my brain without really clueing the poor readers in. The assumption: That it is possible to find a partner, a soulmate, a fuck buddy, a person I can get along with, be friends with, have fun around, and share every deepest, darkest secret with, all without me or this person having to go through the identity grinder as described above. How's that for baseless and unfounded?)

Oh, and I would add that such a relationship need not be lifelong. To assume that it would, could, or should is to practice self-delusion, in my opinion. How should I know what I'll be like in five years? How could anybody? People grow. People change. Life changes. The world changes. If a couple can be together for that long without slitting each other's throats, great! As a rule, I wouldn't expect it though. Just cause people decide to move on, it doesn't mean anything's wrong. That's life continuing its course.

So now, course of action. The question being, where am I most likely to find someone meeting as much of the criteria laid out -- in that rambling way back when -- as possible? Having read it again, I don't think much has changed in what I'm wanting. So, I see no reason to go over it all again now.

I think last Saturday night's excursion taught me (as if I didn't already know) that wandering into random shindigs is less than likely to be successful at finding what I'm looking for. Oh, I suppose there's some off change that I might find a good fuck buddy. If I'm lucky. Forget about all the soul-sharing, enjoy-watching-the-stars together bullshit and everything else I had inside that <ul> tag back there. At least for someone like me. I can't just be like that with some random character. Besides, why lower one's standards? (A good question indeed. I would say, "Because one is really desperate." Fortunately, I don't feel that I've reached that level of desperation yet, and I hope I never do.)

Well then, if it ain't the night club down the street, where does one go? I begin to see why many other geeks, who posted on that Slashdot article so long ago, would seem to have given up on the whole idea. Believe me, I have also read this fine piece of literature more than once. (As well as the natural corrolary, mostly for curiosity's sake.)

I have considered the possibility of dating services. Although I've mostly believed such institutions to be below me. Maybe it's time to change that attitude.

But NOTHING could be worse than Rover's hook-up night on the peak. Just listening to them, you've gotta wonder how low the I.Q.'s of the guys who call in on those things must be. Couldn't be above the double digits. And the chicks they feature. They're at least as bad. Probably worse.

So basicly, I've written this entire rambling for the last... I don't even want to count the hours. And I have come up with... a grand total of...

tada! NOTHING.

Was I really expecting anything more? No, not really. The only real purpose of this entire web page is so I can babble like an idiot. Which I have now done. So the mission can be considered a success! Long live Project Guacamole!

Ok, seriously. I think I just need to bide time, hold off on the whole thing for a while. Maybe think about it a little more. That's the way I least want to tell myself to go, but in my case... I just don't see any other sensible way right now.

If, in... say six months, I'm still in the same boat, it might be time to do something drastic. Lower my standards, perhaps.

However, chances are that many other signifacant parts of my life won't be the same, hence the whole roadmap will be altered. I plan to be living in a house other than this one by that time. Maybe by then, I'll have discovered some better venues to meet people I'd be interested in. A thousand variables.

So... life goes on, and I'm putting this one on the back burner.

Sleep is required, and swap is full. This rambling marathon is officially over.