2/17/96
Well, now that I've written the bulk of the information which will go on this page, I feel like I'm in a state of shock. It's like I've got everything I need to convince her, and I feel it on a deep level. There's a part of me that wishes I didn't have it all, because I want to keep writing. It's been fun writing all these things. I want to keep doing it. But what would be the point?
If I've got everything I need, there's no requirement for more. All the babbling in the world after this isn't going to convince her if she isn't convinced by now. Actually, the stuff I've been writing over the course of the last 24 hours has been mainly for the benefit of the rest of the public. I've got enough here for Madonna to know everything she needs to in order to decide whether or not she wants me. If she doesn't, there's no way I can change her mind. I'll have to find other pursuits if that happens. I think, based on what I know about her and have seen of her, that she will want me very much. She can be unpredictable, however, and that's good. If she weren't, what would be the point in even being separate people? If God wanted us all to be able to perfectly predict the actions and thoughts of others, He would have made us all one enormous blob. But there are some of us who will always be trying to pry into the minds of others, zone in on them, and manipulate them. I have made every attempt to do so with Madonna's. Such an attempt will probably repulse her, but I must have her know anyway. If she doesn't know now, she'll find out when we meet and we'll both have a rotten time.
I'm done, at least for now, with writing these love letters. Now it's time to html-ize them and get them out for all the world and for Madonna to see. I'm pretty sure I've got enough hype-generating stuff here to at least get her attention and get her to look at it. After she does that, she'll make her decision.
I'm almost tempted now to make public now who my choices to go after would be if I'm rejected by her. I'm not going to do this, though, because if she does accept my offer, it would hurt the people I mention because they would feel inferior, and it would also instill jealousy in the one who will hopefully be the love of my life. I don't want to instill jealousy in someone before a relationship has even begun. If we do get close, I'll probably tell her privately who the people were, but not until we have a very trusting closeness.
There's just a part of me that wants to cry for fear I will be rejected, but deep down I know my fantasies can come true if other people will let them. I just hope she is who she appears to be. If she's not, she will reject me and I'll be better off for it. I'll be better off because I'll be able to keep the false fantasy I have of her alive in my mind, and it is a great fantasy to have.
Justice and judgement are
the habitation of thy throne: mercy and truth
shall go before thy face. -Psalm 89:14.
Swift will be the judgement upon the people of God, and when the time comes He shall be merciful. -A mock-up