3/19/96
Madonna, if I'm going to father your, no, our child, there are some things I want to iterate right off the bat. They should help you determine whether or not I am the one you want. Here are some things I would have to insist on:
First, if this hasn't already been made 100% clear before, let me make it clear now. It would be OUR child. Not just yours. Not just mine. If what you're looking for is someone to pop the sperm in and leave, go somewhere else. I want to take an active role in raising the child, and I want you to take an active role as well. I won't be interested if all you're ever going want to do is tour and galavant around Hollywood while I raise the baby alone. That doesn't mean you can't go on tours and pursue your career (I want you to do that as much as ever), but I want you to be around some of the time to be with the kid. Any questions on point 1? Good. I hope you have many, because I want to answer them. I also want to ask you how you would like the arrangement to work, if you're at all interested. Let's talk about it. Now, on to point 2.
I will not be your puppet. In other words, I am not going to go around and blindly let you make all the rules for our child. I want to make some of them too. If our rules conflict, they conflict. Our kid will have to deal with it. In other words, if you think the kid should be allowed to watch only 1/2 hour a day of tv, and I think he should be allowed to watch unlimited, I'm not going to enforce your limit, nor should you abide by my judgement. When you're the one who's home or in charge, you make the rules. I'll make the rules when I'm around. The child will have to get used to two sets of standards. This happens in virtually every divorce situation anyway. I want it to happen while we are together. Also, no hiding what we're doing. If I'm staying up with the kid until 3 a.m. playing video games, and you call from on the road and ask how things are going, I'm going to tell you exactly what's going on, and you can get as mad as you want. Same goes for you. If you're taking the kid to some Catholic ceremony which would probably offend the hell out of me (not), don't do it behind my back. Honesty, not comfort, is what I want. Clear?
I just touched on this a second ago, and now I'll go into it in more depth. Religion. I think you're sort of a religous hybrid, as I am, but we're sure to have disagreements on what religous ceremonies the child will take part in. I've got no problem with you taking him/her to whatever kinds of rituals you like. If I'm going to have a kid with you, I'm gonna trust you enough to believe you won't turn our child into a total Satanist. (I can take care of that part.) As for me, I'm kind of a religous drifter, so I'd raise the kid like myself. I'd probably want to take it (I get so tired of saying him/her) to a few Adventist services once in a while, just so it could get an idea of what I grew up with. This is something we should definately discuss at greater length, as I can't really say much more without hearing some feedback from you.
A biggie: Education. This, as far as I'm concerned, is probably about the trickiest one so far. Would you want your child to be raised in a convent like you were? I have to believe that there's a part of you that must, and a part of you that would want the kid to have no part of it. Please, tell me so I'll know. Maybe I'm just projecting, because I'm kind of mixed myself. I had, to say the least, a non-mainstream education. I guess this is really one that we can't discuss without knowing a little more about each other. In order to sufficiently describe my education, I'd practically need to write an autobiography right here, and I'm not ready to do that yet. Let's talk in person. (Yes. This whole thing is yet another attempt to get near you using any possible excuse that I can think of.)
Oh, I'd like to get back to point ... 2, Where we each make up our own rules and enforce them upon the child. What happens when all three of us are together? (I'd like to think this will happen at least once in a while.) What if the three of us are watching tv together (THE premiere way to spend quality time with your family), and you say, "Ok Johny. Time for your bed." Johny: "But dad said I could stay up to watch Space Goonies!" Mommy: "We'll worry about what dad said tomorrow. Right now, it's..."
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! If this happens, we have a BIG problem. IF YOU WANT TO STAY ON MY GOOD SIDE, YOU WILL NEVER DO THIS IN MY PRESENCE. If there is a problem with something I have said, confront me about it and we'll argue it out, right then and there. If we have a disagreement about something, I DON'T want us to be giving the kid conflicting orders all the time. Don't misunderstand. I'd be fully willing to change and tell the kid to go right to bed, IF we talk to each other about it and can agree on a solution. Actually, I wouldn't be willing to go back on what I said previously and tell the kid to go right to bed, unless I thought there were a very good reason. We'll probably have many such disputes. Maybe, should such a situation come up, we could let the kid watch half of Space Goonies and record the other half on the VCR. Or, if you're not a totally stubborn bitch, you might agree to let him/her watch the whole thing on the condition that the kid and I will do your next batch of laundry for you. A million possible solutions, if we just work the problem with open minds.
Ok, most importantly: I want us to communicate. I want us to have open disputes. I want you to tell me if something I do irritates you. That doesn't necessarily mean I'll stop, but at least I'll know how you feel. I think one of the biggest problems with parents in this country right now is that they basicly assume that both parents should automatically want the same things for their kids. It just ain't so. When you pretend it is so, you usually have parents racing to see who can "say it first" and get their way. When this happens, they usually make decisions before thinking them through at all, and ultimately the kids are the ones who end up worse. Let's talk to each other, yell at each other if necessary, BEFORE it all ends up in a court battle. That's my philosophy at least. Tell me yours. (Yes, I want to meet with you and talk with you. Pulllease. I'll get on my knees. Anything. Come on. I just have to make sure you see this. I know if that happens, you won't be able to resist me for very long.)
Note: Some of you may be wondering why the hell I'm laying all of this out now. After all, Madonna has probably never even heard of me, and I have no indication other than a few very general public statements she has made, that she would even want me as a mate. Well, I figure it this way: If we do end up together, it'll be nice to have clear in MY mind what I'm after. If I wait until I'm a drooling love slave, I might make agreements that I'd regret later. This way, when I end up a drooling love slave, I'll have something to remind me of what I'm going to require. Otherwise, I might just blurt out, in the heat of passion, "Do whatever the hell you want with our kid. I don't care. Just give me another...." And so it goes.
On the off-topic scenario that Madonna is absolutely disinterested in me, or if she just decides she'd rather have a kid with somebody who is a little more submissive, writing this will still do me good. When I do get around to taking out ads in the paper for someone to mother my child, I'll know what to look for in the candidates. Are they honest? Do they let me know right away if something is wrong, or do they hide their emotions? I don't want someone who just blindly obeys me, nor do I want someone who expects to be in complete control all the time. Well, Madonna. What do you think? How does this candidate stack up?