3/18/96
I have, once again, had to redefine my prioirites and temporary goals. In doing so, I have discovered my greatest fear, at least for the moment. My greatest fear is this: That I will drift so far into this fantasy land that I will lose hope of ever making it real. Then, when it no longer has a prayer of becoming a reality, the fantasy will no longer be any good. It will have no basis in reality, therefore it will lose its fun.
For the past few days, I have been riding for free. I have been writing articles, adding crap, and doing whatever I felt like with this page without really paying attention to what I wanted to achieve. I let my head drift around in the clouds, and I think I have nearly lost sight of what I am doing. I need to get back to practical matters. I need to stop harboring megalomaniacal delusions and focus on reality. There is a time for delusions, just like there is a time and a place for everything. That time has come to an end once again. Time to go out into the practical, physical world and deal with it. Now is the time to switch modes and get real. If I don't, I'll lose my daydreams and have nothing.
I need to make myself financially stable. I have no money. I need money. Otherwise, my service here will be terminated, and with it my dreams. I need to work hard. I need to do this to keep open my channel for self-expression. I believe Madonna has had to do the same things in order to keep her fantasy-expression engine alive. Time to get another job. Will it be tough as the last one? I hope so. That way, I'll come up with even more creative ideas so I can put them here. I turn my experiences into metaphors, and I place the metaphores her and let people guess what I'm talking about. I must gather more raw material for my metaphores. I must gather more cash for my provider, who is doing an excellent job, I might add.
I also need to find out what my audience is reading. I've been thinking about writing articles about myself and giving them away to tabloids to draw attention to this place. I won't preclude that for the future, but first I need to find out what the audience visiting this page thinks. So far, I have recieved no responses to the opinion poll. This is disturbing. I don't know if it's just because people haven't gotten there yet, or if they just think the whole thing is bogus. It's also possible that everyone is getting scared off by the opening warnings. I need to find out which articles people are reading, which brings me to my next practical matter.
I need to learn to monitor hits. I've got the records, I just haven't taken the time to set up a system for analyzing them. I think the main reason for this is my spoiled mentality. Because I've gotten so many other things easy, I start expecting everything to come my way without me having to do anything. That just ain't the way it works. I had to work hard to set up the system of arranging this page that I've got working smoothly now. It's time to set up another system for myself to find my audience. If I'm scaring my whole audience off with my initial warnings, then this page is headed the way of Fantasia. That doesn't mean I won't market it. I'll just find an audience that isn't afraid of a lot of megaparanoid art. I'll have to find another way to get this to Madonna. I'll send it to her fan club on floppy, and hope they read it and give it to her. Before I do anything like that, I need to find out if I'm reaching my Internet audience.
I am driven by many forces which I cannot comprehend. One of them is lustful desire. If I let that go too far, it will destroy me. Another force is compassion. I don't want that one to get too strong either. If I do, I'll end up condescending to the whole world without looking for help when I need it. The force which is kicking in now is fear. Fear that everything I want will be taken away, and everything I dream of will become hopeless. Fantasies are good spices. The real world is an absolute necessity. Without it, fantasies cannot exist.