3/16/96
While I am a member of this community, I feel that I am, in a manner of speaking, the black sheep of the Internet family. I think differently, I'm more paranoid, and I'm not here to stay. All the other people on the Internet seem to be more trusting of each other than I am. I take a paranoid stance, believing that everyone everywhere is out to destroy me as well as those close to me. Others on the Internet gather together on newsgroups and shout at each other, without worrying about what will happen. Why shouldn't they? They've got freedom of speech. They're all just expressing their opinions. Nobody's really going to use what they say to mortally hurt them, right?
Even big corperations on the Internet follow an unwritten code of ethics. Microsoft and Netscape, while in cut throat competition with each other, still make sure not to violate each other's territory. They use some common standards, despite a desire on both sides to hold a monopoly on the browser market. Consumers have learned to trust both companies. Even the Microsoft haters have learned to respect the company for its quick, yet initially rough, adaptation into Internet culture. I don't think Microsoft has any plans to send henchmen after me, despite my earlier thoughts that they might. But still, I keep my guard up constantly against not only Microsoft, but the U.S. government, foriegn governments, and other mafia-like institutions.
Why? Well, I think it's because I've been hurt a lot before, and I'm learning to prepare for and deal with enemies. I don't think my fears are unfounded, either. I think the rest of the Internet needs to get scared, because there are real threats. To people in the newsgroups: it may not be long before ATF agents start coming to your houses and conducting raids. DO NOT, because I have said this, start boarding up your windows, lock yourselves in your house, and stay there at your PC forever. This will make you even weaker when they come. Just be aware of what's happening. I know that everyone else on the Internet knows factually what congress has tried to do, but I don't think they've really prepared themselves emotionally.
I admire people like Phillip Zimmerman, not only because he lives just a few short miles away from me, but because he is one of the paranoid ones who is protecting the rest of Internet society from oppression. Just remember people like him when you go around flaming each other about Madonna's tit size vs. Mariah's. People like him are protecting the innocent masses. But just because he is around, don't assume you'll never be confronted with evil.
They may get him, and then the rest of us would have to become all the more ready to be jailed. I'd like to think that I am ready right now. If government officials show up at my door tomorrow, I'd like to believe that I will be able to stand in front of the Supreme Court and state my views honestly. Would I be able to articulate my beliefs with the threat of torture, or would I mumble and stutter? I hope I never have to find out.
Well, I just had to articulate my feelings of alienation from the Internet crowd, despite the fact that I am a part of that crowd. I will never be able to trust other Internet users the way they trust each other. I will always have this fear that my messages are being intercepted by a server and read by outsiders (as they easily can be). I don't use PGP.
That last statement may come as a surprise to many. I've got a compressed copy of it on my hard drive, as well as several versions lying around on floppies. Why don't I use it? For one thing, I'd rather spend my energies writing things. I don't have time to learn all the nuances of encryption technology, and I don't have the trust in Phillip Zimmerman to believe that his program will work perfectly without me spending some time learning it. I still have to trust people, no matter how hard it is for me. I have to put my faith in the general good of humanity, and assume that 99 out of 100 people who hear of me will support my freedom of speech, even if they disagree with what I say. I still have to always be on guard against the 1 who will be out to kill me for my views. Never go off guard.
How do I deal with the one who would kill me? I try to scare him/her away with warnings, offensive statements, illusions, contradicting viewpoints, and subliminal repellants in the words I choose. They are subliminal in more than one way. They will enter other people's subconscious and get them confused, but I will also write them without consciously intending to be offensive. I think Madonna probably does the same thing without ever knowing it, as I sense that her survival instincts are similar to mine. Or maybe that's just my illusion talking, the part of me that wants to think that I have a soul mate out there. Maybe I don't. Maybe I just want one so badly that I've invented her in my mind. The real Madonna is probably some totally pompous stranger, and I've just convinced myself into believing that she would be my friend.
I guess if she is that way, I'm not the only one she has fooled. That brings me some solace as well. If she's tricking everyone else into doing what she wants, then I've got something in common with a lot of other people, namely her fans. So, in a way, I win no matter what she is. It's just that I identify with different people, based on what I'm believing at the moment. Very wierd. I can feel close to, and understand temporarily, almost anyone who I come into contact with. Yet I am definately a different breed than the rest. It's a thin wire to tread, and someday I may fall.