3/10/96
God was "playing god". Adam was his creation. Eve was Adam's playtoy. God watched with glee. He watched as Adam and Eve fucked before Him. They were united in His presence. His loneliness could be eased as he watched them silently. It was like having his own personal, exclusive Penthouse channel.
But trouble was ahead for God, or was it? Eve, being unsatisfied with just one man, wanted more. She was tired of Adam. He was always such a "good boy". So "good", it made her want to puke. She was sick of always having to follow God's rules. He had told them to stay together. That way, God said, you'll always be happy. It didn't work for her. Maybe it did for Adam, but not for her.
Adam trusted her implicitly. He did not heed Solomon's warnings against the sly temptress. He was a fool. He couldn't help it, she was all he cared for. He would, I would bet, have given his life to save hers. That is why she was able to lead him into a fool's trap. He wanted her to lead him. He wanted her to fuck him. He wanted her to screw him over. He was willing to go through any torture or loss to be with her. What a romantic!
How did she return the favor? She did all of the above. She fucked him, she screwed him over, she tortured him, and she took away his paradise when he allowed her to. She, being bored with his lovesick loyalty, wanted adventure. She wanted a bad boy. She wanted someone to spank her. She wanted someone who would stand up to her some of the time. She was willing to defy the God who had stuck her in this miserable existence. God gave her such an opportunity, and so she took it.
Her first act in defying God: She wandered away from her niave husband. Where did she wander? She wandered after forbidden love. She allowed herself to be tempted by the serpant. The serpant, unlike Adam, took some initiative. The serpant knew that she did not want some dumb school boy who drooled everytime she entered his presence. The serpant did not act like her love slave, and she was intrigued by this. The serpant was to her what she was to Adam. That is, the serpant was the one who could defy her will. She did not get control of everything when she came in contact with the serpant. The serpant did for her what she did for Adam, and Adam did for God what she did for him. Finally, to complete the circle, God stood up to the serpant. God set limits on where the serpant could go, what it could do, and the extent to which it could tempt. A perfect system of checks and balances, sort of.
So, Eve entered the serpant's presence. He talked to her, he did not cower to her. She was fascinated by this, but she did not want to show it. She slowly was drawn to the tree. Using subtlety and sweet talk, he convinced her to eat the fruit. He offered her the power of God. Secretly, she wanted to use this power to destroy God, for she believed God to be the source of Adam's immaturity. She was also jealous, for Adam had been around first and gotten to know God better. Maybe that was why Adam could never treat her as an equal. He had God for that. She was not his friend, she was just his little wife. She was lonely for companionship. The serpant gave it to her. He, in doing so, put her under his spell. She was given the delusion that she had the power of God.
She returned to Adam, for she still loved him and wanted to share with him. He knew she was being tricked, but he loved her so much that he left everything behind to join his mate. They debauched together. They defiled themselves. They experienced the greatest night in bed ever to be had. They knew they were rebels, together against God, and misery loves company. This wadn't no moral, clean thang to do. No siree. This was something straight out of a de Sade novel. So dirty, it wasn't even shown on God's porno channel. And God wasn't happy with that.
Pretty soon, the little S&M escapade came to an end, and Adam and Eve felt pretty silly. They were more than silly, they were guilty. They were so ashamed, they started trying to fit themselves with leaves so they wouldn't have to look at each other's privates. Well, doesn't that happen to every couple after an S&M game gone bad? They just needed to take some time in a less sexually focused mode. They still wanted to be together, and actually their relationship had improved, for now they were relating as partners. But there was just one minor problem: God.
Being the fuck-up that he is, God had to interfere and start coming after them just after they'd had the best fuck of their lives. Well, the old man did miss his nightly bedtime movie, didn't he? If you're smart, you'll give God what he wants. If he says, "fuck in front of me", you'd better do it. Otherwise, be ready to face serious consequences.
Well guess what? God was already angry when he came to the garden to ask who had disconnected his cable tv, but when he got there, it got even worse. He couldn't find Adam or Eve, so he started calling out for his number one, Adam. Well, wouldn't you be worried if you got home and your kid wasn't there when he was supposed to be? Who knows what he could be out doing with the girl next door. You've gotta find him and make sure he doesn't get into trouble. So that's what God did.
God called Adam. Adam, still wanting to be good pals with God, was obliged to reply, but he did not show himself. When God asked why he was hiding, Adam told God he was naked. Instantly, God became infuriated, for God knew that the only way this could happen was for Adam to have eaten the forbidden fruit. God confronted Adam on that, and Adam responded like a total coward. He blamed his little sister for his sins. Well God, instead of confronting Adam about his lack of guts, turned to Eve. They were best pals. God didn't want to lose this status with Adam. It's always easier to blame the one you're not best friends with. And Eve had brought Adam the fruit, so technically Adam was right. God asked Eve about this, and Eve took the example of her lover. She was now even closer to Adam, as S&M play builds very strong bonds. So does being able to come back and have your man forgive you after you've cheated. Pretty admirable, actually. Eve blamed the serpant for her sin.
God is the ultimate judge, and so he performed his role. The serpant, who was responsible for this whole charade, got eternal humiliation. He also lost his ability to entice Eve, even though they had both had one hell of a time partying together. Eve, who was just getting to the point where she could love Adam and respect him as an equal, was made subserviant to him. Another part of her sentence was to bear the burden of having all the kids. She was to forever desire her man, who would dominate her mercilessly. Hers was probably the most bitter of the three judgements. Adam got off easy. He was given eternal hard labor. You think maybe God was showing a little favoritism there? Could've been. I'm still not sure.
So the drama played out. Generation after generation of man tilled the soil. Generation after generation of woman welcomed batterings and beatings from her husband. And the serpant was forever spited for inflicting this pain on humanity. God, being God, sat in heaven watching the whole thing. Maybe he got his cable reconnected after all.
What was he thinking while he sat up there in his ivory tower watching the whole mess? Well, maybe God isn't such a sadist. After a while, he got totally sick of the whole thing. He even went so far as to regret ever creating mankind. He tried to cleanse the world with a flood, but it didn't work too well. People just got worse and worse. Sometimes, a few strong women would come out and try to help things, but they were always either subdued or killed. Any time a good, wise man would come out of the woodwork, he'd get his mind fucked up with whores and then die wondering what the hell was wrong with everything.
Eventually, God started feeling pretty guilty. He kept trying to fix things. Sometimes, when certain cities got really bad, he'd destroy them with fire and brimstone. Other times, he'd stick his hand in and free some slaves. Once in a while, he'd help people he thought were really good win battles. The effects of all these things were negligible.
Sometimes, situations even worsened in the long run. His chosen people eventually became the most defiled, hipocritical, and cruel bunch ever to cross the face of the earth. When he sent his son to try to fix things up, they killed him! What's worse, the sacred bunch who were supposed to propogate the things his son had taught became worse than the last group! He finally gave up. There was no hope for these people. They just couldn't accept his help. He left them to kill each other off. He thought about throwing the whole population in a fire forever, but decided they'd be better punished by having to live with each other. His people were out on their own while he went off to create other, better, more pleasant universes.
Everyone in the world started to blame each other for their problems. Rush blamed Bill, Bill blamed Rush, Christians blamed Pagans, Pagans hated Christians, liberals hated conservatives, conservatives made fun of liberals, Protestants rebelled against Catholics, Catholics oppressed Protestants, communists plotted the overthrow of capitalism, capitalists hunted communists. The world was a finger pointing frenzy. God was not around to take all the shit that people had to hang, but his bitch was.
Eve's descendents stuck around through it all. Eve the betrayer was made to pay the price for her sins. What's that price? You betray somebody, you lose their trust. It's that simple. Women were feared, hated, scorned, ridiculed, and justifiably blamed for every problem in the world, for every problem stemmed from the sin of the woman. Justice is not fair. Since the woman was made to take whatever shit the man gave her, she did so. Misery lived in her heart, but there was a light inside that could never be taken away.
As time went by, the woman learned to get used to the tears and the pain. She accepted them, learned to survive with them, and even expected them, at least for a while. As this happened, the wrongs she had inflicted on the world began to heal. Men were able to go and perform their sentence, and they could take their frustration out on their wives. For a time, it looked like this arrangement would go on forever. One little detail had gone unnoticed by nearly everybody: God was no longer around to enforce the rules.
The lid had been taken off the jar, but mankind was leaping no higher. All the men kept working. All the women kept serving. The serpent kept getting blamed for all of it. Things perpetuated for a while. Until a few delusional, schizophrenic, crazy, insane, nutty, kooky people tried for the impossible. Names? Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, Thomas Edison, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr., Mohatma Gandhi, Anton LaVey, Karl Marx, Franklin Roosevelt, Bill Gates, Rush Limbaugh, Marquis de Sade, Walt Disney, and Newt Gingrich, just to name a small few. Oh yeah, I'll say the one you've all been waiting with baited breath to hear: Madonna.
God is dead, and no one cares. Oh, I forgot to mention Trent Reznor. Only a few even want to care. The rest are just stuck in their delusions about what they want life to be. Those who hold on to their delusions most tightly are the ones who get to see their delusions become reality. God and his divine government have finally butted out of the way so people can get things done. They can finally defy him without fear of punishment. He's gone. He may or may not come back. I hope he doesn't. At least not until he's learned a hell of a lot more about how to deal with people. Or maybe he has figured it out, and he's just waiting for us to come around. I'd rather he be gone, at least for a while. Having the feeling that Big Brother is always looking over your shoulder can have a disconcerting effect, even if he is just looking. And a betrayal is a very hard thing to forgive.
Back to Eve. Once women figure out that they're no longer bound by God's restrictions, they can say "up yours" whenever their man tries to boss them. The men are free too. They don't have to work. At least not in the traditional sense of the word. They can spend their time doing that which they love. A very small percentage will still want to tend the farms, and that's all that will be required. The rest can entertain themselves and others, writing web pages and selling advertising to each other. The serpent is pretty much free to roam wherever it likes, and some women will even do as Eve did and consort with it. One shiny, new serpent is even now tempting Eve in her present incarnation. ;)
The garden is our playground. It used to be, and it is again. Most of us just don't realize it yet. The sins of the past are forgiven, and anyone who wants to can be clean and pure. Some will not, as their dirt is stuck on so hard that removing it would take the skin right along with it. New skin would grow, but some things just hurt too much anyway.
As we enter our promised land, let us not forget the mistakes of our maker. Let us forgive one another and move on, rather than trying to inflict eternal punishments upon each other. Let us also freely express ourselves, and let us listen with open ears and hearts to the expressions of others. Let us also not be afraid to worship ourselves and one another. Oh, and one more thing, on a personal note. If we don't get the Eve we're looking for, let us pray to ourselves that we will remember that, unlike in the beginning, there are plenty of fish in the sea. That's about it. Long live humanity!