Attention! Everybody! The secret to Madonna's success has been discovered! All these years, she has been decieving an entire population of innocent civilians! But now, through years of intensive research, her thinly veiled deception has been exposed!

The secret lies in the album inserts. Ever since the release of the cd titled "Like A Prayer", our scientists have been suspicious. Now, they've proven her to be the reason behind the surge in drug usage in America's youth. Stay tuned, and we'll take you behind the scenes to Madonna's secret Columbian factory, where our agents were able to spot, and record on hidden camera, a true story of corruption, greed, and drug smuggling which has been going on for over 13 years.

Good evening, and welcome to Dumpline: ATV. Tonight, we're going to cover the still-breaking news of the drug scandal surrounding pop star Madonna. As of yet, authorities have not arrested her, as they tell ATV that they are still gathering evidence to assure a conviction. Madonna is believed to now be hiding out in one of the remote regions of Saudi Arabia. Authorities there say they will cooperate fully with the United States if it becomes necessary. They have even assured us that they will be willing to temporarily bend their rules of conduct in order to ensure that justice prevails. Already, there are rumors that all the women's veils are being systematically removed until the wayward pop singer's face can be discovered and recognized. We'll keep you posted on further developments in her arrest as they occur.