3/8/96
Well, once again, I'm feeling like shit. I feel like everything I write is a bunch of total crap, my whole life is a bunch of nothing, and I need another spiritual makeover. On the eve of putting this stuff on the net, I think once again that all I do is meaningless. What does it even matter if Madonna sees this shit or doesn't? Especially the stuff I've been writing over the last couple hours.
I think I'm crazy. Right now, as I type this, I'm listening to the sound from Truth or Dare in my headphones. I think one of the reasons I feel like shit is that I've been treating others like shit in my writing. After watching it all again, I'm not at all sure that Kevin Costner wasn't feeling genuinely happy while he talked with Madonna. I think Madonna has been one of the greatest political influences in this country, or at least she could be. So what do I do? I sit and make up a bunch insulting shit that degrades everything she has said, and then I call it funny. What is wrong with me? And then I go so far as to say Warren Beatty was trying to bust her bubble. He was doing nothing of the sort. He was just stating what he saw.
Well, Holiday is coming on now. That song does cheer me up. I need to put this on the web, find another job, work up the courage to go back and talk with my former boss(es), and get on with my life. Everytime I go into one of these writing obsessions, it feels really good for a while. Then, everything feels horrible. I need some balance. When I get things in proportion, I think and feel better, more stable.
Well, I know I'll be able to restabilize myself. I just don't know what I'll be like after it happens. I might not even care for Madonna any more. I might have totally different tastes. I'll still have my memories, but everything will appear different. It always happens that way. If nothing else, I'll be leaving this web page as a marker, designating this particular turning point in my life.
Everytime I think I'm done changing, and everything about me is perfect and ready to face the world, the biggest inner transformations occur. I guess I'm as ready for the next one as I'll ever be. It's never comfortable or easy. It just happens. It's happened on several small scales, each of which seemed enormous at the time, since I first watched Truth or Dare over two monthes ago.
I've taken off my headphones now. I think, but I can never be sure, that this is going to be my last writing for at least the next few days. My life cannot continue the way it is going right now. Therefore, I must either remold myself or be destroyed. A part of me will be destroyed as I...
I had to stop and watch Live to Tell there. What a song! A celebration of love, life, and humanity it is! Love, life, and humanity in all its fucked up states. It's time for me to come out of my cacoon. I've been in preparation for it for my whole life, or so it seems. What will become of me when I'm a butterfly? I want more than to flutter around and look pretty. Or if I'm a moth, I guess I'll look ugly. Shit. It doesn't matter one way or the other.
There's a certain part of me that just wants to stay as I am. I like myself the way I am right now. I've barely had time to enjoy what I am, and already it's about to be robbed from me. Awful. I know I'll come out as a better being, but I don't know if I want that. Maybe it would be nice to just stay a nobody, but that's not my place. The universe is in constant motion, and I'm no exception.
I've been through the fire. What they never tell you is that the fire is really the easy part. All you've got to do is sit there and get burned. It's when you come out that you really have to function. I'm not ready to function. I want to stay dormant. But if I do that, I'll die. I want to live. I want to survive. This web page will be released, and I will suffer whatever consequeses it causes. It feels like I'm being pushed by a divine power. There is no control. I am lost.
I'm going to go watch the rest of the movie now, as it's playing right as I write. I might have a few more comments afterwards.
A half hour later...
What a great movie! I guess the prominent thought on my mind this time, as I watched the last half hour, is how sexy and cute Madonna really can be. She looked so hot, both onstage and off. I guess that's my lustful side coming out. The whole movie yields the implication that innocence can be restored. It's so wierd and touching. It's like she mixes sex, family, and spirituality to the point that they become indistinguishable. Maybe that, in and of itself, is the key to innocence. I think it's also the unconditional love everybody in her group gave each other while the tour was going. That's so rare. It's too bad they all had to claw at each other's throats after the movie was released. It's like, for a moment in time, they could all come together and love each other, despite all their differences, but they could only do it briefly. Could such a love last? Could a group of people get together and stick together for an entire lifetime? I wonder. Maybe that would be boring anyway. Oh well.
3:00 a.m. now. Time to stop writing and put the finishing touches on what will soon become a public spectacle. I'm so sleepy right now. I guess it's justified, as I didn't really sleep much at all Wednesday night, and now it's early Friday morning. I think I'll get a few hours rest before I begin the most daunting phase of this insanity yet. It just keeps getting more and more wild. Ever since she inspired me, my life has been so unpredictable. I like it that way. Keeps things interesting. The journey. Sometime, I'll have to read Pilgrim's Progress again. I've always wondered exactly what happens after you make it to Zion. What do you do, exactly? Just sit in your beautiful mansion all day long? I intend to find out, if I haven't already.
It's like my whole life is a series of alternating sensations. For a while, I feel really good, then I feel really bad, then really good again, and really bad. The difference now is that the intensity of these feelings has skyrocketed to an astounding level. Sometimes, I just want them to die down. Give me a break, some peace, for a while. I know that's not gonna happen, at least in the external world, at all. So I think I'll just take a nice rest, and know that when I wake up, everything will be new again.