Proverbs
Chapter 7

4 Say unto wisdom, Thou art my sister; and call understanding thy kinswoman:
5 That they may keep thee from the strange woman, from the stranger which flattereth with her words.

Now, hold it just one second. Wisdom art my sister? What the fuck? I don't want wisdom to be my sister. Now, I guess if that's all wisdom were going to be, it would be better than nothing, but why not have more? Wisdom could be my mother, and I guess that would work alright. Wisdom could also be my friend or my brother, but why not have a lover? I'd rather be her lover. I guess Solomon was just shortsighted.

Alright, before we go on, I've gotta make another comment. If you stay away from a strange woman, how are you ever gonna get to know anybody? What the hell are you supposed to do, sit in your house all day and wait for someone you already know to come around? It just doesn't work for me. Maybe it did for him. Ok, roll 'em.

Excuse me? Void of understanding? No need to start flaming here, Mister Solomon. Tell you what, if you'll quit insulting my intelligence, I'll do the same for you. And the person whose house I choose to go to is my personal business, thank you.

9 In the twilight, in the evening, in the black and dark night:
10 And, behold, there met him a woman with the attire of an harlot, and subtil of heart.
11 (She is loud and stubborn; her feet abide not in her house:
12 Now is she without, now in the streets, and lieth in wait at every corner.)

Sounds like my kind of woman. Ha, ha, ha. Yeah! What sa matter, little boy? Can't handle a woman with a brain? Oh, right. You wanted wisdom to be your sister. Need I say more? Proceed.

Forced him, did she? Sounds like a powerful force indeed. Solomon, are you threatened by powerful women? I wonder what he'd think of Hillary. Not that I really think she's powerful or anything, but everybody always makes her out to be this superwoman. Damn, I wasn't wanting to get into politics. Let's get back on topic. Ok, Solomon, continue your little voyeur's tale.

25 Let not thine heart decline to her ways, go not astray in her paths.
26 For she hath cast down many wounded: yea, many strong men have been slain by her.
27 Her house is the way to hell, going down to the chambers of death.

Chapter 8

1 Doth not wisdom cry? and understanding put forth her voice?

I don't know. She's your sister, isn't she?

2 She standeth in the top of high places, by the way in the places of the paths.
3 She crieth at the gates, at the entry of the city, at the coming in at the doors.
4 Unto you, O men, I call; and my voice is to the sons of man.

Blah, blah, blah. I think we get the point. You and your bitchy little sister calleth and crieth.

5 O ye simple, understand wisdom: and, ye fools, be ye of an understanding heart.
6 Hear; for I will speak of excellent things; and the opening of my lips shall be right things.
7 For my mouth shall speak truth; and wickedness is an abomination to my lips.
8 All the words of my mouth are in righteousness; there is nothing froward or perverse in them.

Oh yeah? Then what were you doing looking into that poor little man's private affairs? Say, does anybody know if prostitution was illegal when he was king? Or did he just, like, take all the women in the country for himself and not pay them for their services? I guess he thought he could get away with it, 'cause he was the big bad king. Maybe he was right.

Is it just me, or did this guy really have a strong dislike for himself? I'll bet he felt pretty guilty for all those sadistic things he did. But to blame all the women for it? That tops all. You know what? Madonna's right. We DO live in a misogynistic world. I mean, if people could see this stuff for the rot that it is, I wouldn't be going off like this. But, at least where I went to school, they taught us that Proverbs was the definitive book of wisdom. This was what young men should read and follow in their everyday lives. Maybe if Solomon had practiced what he preached, I would show a little more sympathy for the guy. Or even if he could just take a little responsibility for his own acts of evil, instead of going on tyrades about wisdom, the evil temptress, and his own superior moral conviction, I could have some understanding. Oh well, at least he expressed himself.

1 Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead.
2 Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and none is barren among them.

Now THAT is wild imagery! I get the feeling he liked animals. I wonder if he ever tried going out in the barnyard and fucking... Never mind. I like it. I like it.

3 Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thy speech is comely: thy temples are like a piece of a pomegranate within thy locks.

Ok, now we're starting to differ. A thread of scarlet? I think I prefer big, easily kissable lips. Although I guess thin thread-like ones would make for an interesting challenge. Speech is comely? Just a sec. Let me look up comely. Pleasing and wholesome in appearance. I don't know. I think I'd rather have a foul-mouthed mate. When it comes to temples, I have no comment.

4 Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men.

I can't relate to that one.

5 Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.

Whoa! So Solomon was a breast man, was he? Why does that not surprise me... Do I agree? Oh, man. It would have to depend on the woman. Roes which feed among the lilies. Very interesting...

6 Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, I will get me to the mountain of myrrh, and to the hill of frankincense.
7 Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.
8 Come with me from Lebanon, my spouse, with me from Lebanon: look from the top of Amana, from the top of Shenir and Hermon, from the lions' dens, from the mountains of the leopards.
9 Thou hast ravished my heart, my sister, my spouse; thou hast ravished my heart with one of thine eyes, with one chain of thy neck.
10 How fair is thy love, my sister, my spouse! how much better is thy love than wine! and the smell of thine ointments than all spices!
11 Thy lips, O my spouse, drop as the honeycomb: honey and milk are under thy tongue; and the smell of thy garments is like the smell of Lebanon.
12 A garden inclosed is my sister, my spouse; a spring shut up, a fountain sealed.
13 Thy plants are an orchard of pomegranates, with pleasant fruits; camphire, with spikenard,
14 Spikenard and saffron; calamus and cinnamon, with all trees of frankincense; myrrh and aloes, with all the chief spices:
15 A fountain of gardens, a well of living waters, and streams from Lebanon.
16 Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.

Well, that's it for Chapter 4. He goes on in more depth, but I'll let you look that up for yourself. Very poetic. I like it.